You’ll Have To Wait Until January Jones’ Memoirs Are Released To Find Out Who Her Baby’s Father Is

When January Jones got knocked up and wouldn’t say who she made a baby with, Merv Griffin Productions almost greenlit the “Who’s January Jones’ Baby Father?” game show and Maury Povich told friends (no, he didn’t) that his career isn’t complete until he says “YOU ARE THE FATHER” to the true father of her baby. “Who shot a load of baby batter up into January Jones’ ovaries?” became the biggest question since “Who shot JR?” Some guessed Jason Sudeikis, some guessed Bobby Flay and some guessed (and got threatened with a lawsuit for it) Matthew Vaughn. January Jones never said, and in an interview with The New York Times, the iceberg with blond hair says that it’s really nobody’s business.

“That’s my son’s business. It’s not the public’s business.

Jack Nicholson once told me: ‘You should never give your personal life away, otherwise people will pick you apart. They’ll never believe in your character. Women should have lots of secrets. It’s our right to have secrets. Otherwise, what would we write in our memoirs?”

What I’m taking that to mean is that Jack Nicholson is probably the father. What I’m also taking that to mean is that January Jones won’t tell us if Jack Nicholson is the father or not until she can’t even get cast as a park statue in a Lifetime movie and has to get attention by writing the name of her son’s father in her memoirs. Bitch is thinking ahead.

TMZ Tells January Jones That People Think She’s A Homewrecker

As Miley Cyrus ran around with her hitchin’ ring not on her finger, January Jones landed at LAX from Paris and kept her mouth shut (“Oh now that home wrecking hussy whore keeps her slut mouth shut.” – Miley Cyrus) about whether or not she screwed Liam Hemsworth the night before the Oscars. Then TMZ’s camera dude got bold and said to January, “People think you’re a homewrecker, January. I’m just saying!” Since a true homewrecker never loses her cool and will later get revenge by fucking that camera dude’s husband or wife, the ice queen didn’t lose her cool and didn’t say anything.

But CDAN is saying that January has the sads about all of this, because she had no idea that Liam Hemsworth was engaged to Miley Cyrus. Someone told CDAN that January doesn’t really keep up with what’s going in Hollywood so she didn’t know Liam and Miley were (or are) together. When January asked him if he was dating anyone, he shook his head no and so they went at it. January’s all upset, because she feels like the homewrecker label on her forehead was starting to fade and now she’s getting blamed for wrecking Miley’s home.

Oh, please. Anybody who sucks on Liam’s tongue knows that he’s dating Miley Cyrus, because the inside of his mouth probably tastes like moonshine, pot brownies and chipmunk pellets. Besides, Sienna Miller and I refuse to believe that January would lick the face of a man she thought was single. The #1 rule of home wrecking is: don’t fuck single men! January Jones is the current reigning home wrecking queen of Hollywood and nobody can tell me otherwise. Truthfully, Liam Hemsworth should be getting all of the shit. January’s coochie is free to do whatever it wants. And yes, Chris Brown just fainted at the thought of an emancipated pussy.

Miley Cyrus Didn’t Call Off Her Wedding

The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren’t driving toward Liam Hemsworth’s house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn’t call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller’s home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:

“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.’ He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”

A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could’ve gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day, Lainey said in a blind item and in a post that Liam was flirting with Emma Watson at a pre-Oscar party and not January Jones.

Whatever the case may be, Miley isn’t hearing any of that and she quit Twitter over all the useless noise filling her ears:

I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn’t call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining

my new music is gonna shut everyone up.

not discussing anything but my music from now on.

Miley is right about her new music shutting everyone up, because it’s kind of hard to talk shit when you’re dry heaving while plugging your ear holes with your fingers.

I almost feel like this engagement was doomed from the beginning. Miley is only 20 and Liam is only 23 and they’re both living the best years of their lives. What I mean by that is that they’re at an age where they still have enough energy to be a huge whore.

And here’s January Jonesingforyourman at the Miu Miu show in Paris today. This is what it would look like if Martian Girl from Mars Attack! was in a remake of Valley of the Dolls.

January Jones Strikes Again?

Miley Cyrus is sharpening her chipmunk teeth on a rock and Tish Cyrus is dipping her hooves in glue and glass, because they’re coming for Liam Hemsworth that dick-stealing ice cold hussy harlot January Jones!

Miley’s betrothed Liam Hemsworth went to a pre-Oscar party at Chateau Marmont on Saturday night and Star (via Radar) says that he was all over January Jones. Miley wasn’t with him at the time or we’d probably be reading about how January was seen running down the driveway of Chateau Marmont as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth chipmunk chased after her.

A witness type says that party guests were all clutching their Tampax pearls while watching Liam and January get close. They weren’t even trying to hide it and the witness said that they had some “hot chemistry.” The witness type went on to say that they were all over each other and even kissed lips at one point.

At the end of the night, January and Liam got into the back seat of the same car and drove away together.

There are a million explanations for this. Maybe Miley and Liam broke up? Maybe Miley and Liam have one of those open relationship and she lets him dip his tongue in frozen twats and he lets her dip her tongue in twats? Maybe January Jones is a serious environmentalist and insists on carpooling to save money on gas? Maybe this eyewitness type was snorting that Lohan powder and had no idea what they were seeing, because it’s kind of impossible for human icicle January Jones to have “hot” chemistry with anyone.

But then again, the magic phrase that opens up January’s legs is, “You do know I have a fiancee (or wife), right?”

Since Sienna Miller is busy being a boring family woman now, somebody has to be Hollywood’s premiere home wrecker and it might as well be January Jones.

What In Pompadour Mullet Hell?

The universe already has one David Bowie, and when we needed another David Bowie we were given Tilda Swinton, but we don’t need anymore David Bowies. January Jones needs to know this, because almost every time she goes to an award show, she looks like she fell off the side of Bowie’s home planet and plummeted through the universe before landing on Earth. January Jones went to the SAG Awards last night and showed up with a hairstyle that was NO in the front, NO in the back and NO on the sides. Just NO all the way around.

To go with her fug hair, January Jones wore an equally as fug dress. I realize that IN THIS ECONOMY you sometimes have to make a SAG Awards gown out of an old French maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago, but the end product was shit. But I will give January Jones points for wearing what looks like a sheer Dickey, because Dickeys need to make a comeback.

And January wasn’t the only one with jacked up hair last night. Nicole Kidman looked like a Cocker Spaniel after a blowout, Lea Michele put the final nail in ombre hair’s coffin and Alec Baldwin confirmed that the cabinet under his bathroom sink is filled with nothing but boxes of Just For Men hair dye (shade: Autumn Sunrise).

And No Emmys For You, Mad Men

Christina Hendricks’ husband can’t believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, “Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven’t looked at my face once!” during their wedding ceremony.

Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn’t get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn’t even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue’s ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.

After THAT episode, I really thought I’d see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn’t happen. The Emmy bitches also didn’t do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm’s hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.

And here’s a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm’s peen (yes, it’s so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.