Category: January Jones
January Jones And Will Forte Are Already Over
Reminder: January Jones and her co-star from that Last Man on Earth show, Will Forte, were dating. That was a little fact I forgot about and right after I hit publish on this bitch, I can continue to forget about that little fact, because they’re no longer boning. A source tells UsWeekly that Will Forte no longer has to thaw out his dick with a blow dryer and a hot rag after doing it with January. January dumped Will after only 5 months of being a thing, because life is way too short and there’s way too much dick out there to stick with one for a long time.
As for why the actress isn’t on board with Forte, it may be due to the fact that she’s not looking for commitment. Jones has told pals that “relationships are a pain in the ass,” the insider says.
Tip for January: Whenever you feel that “pain in the ass” during a relationship, it’s time to switch lube brands and possibly look into getting some anus-numbing cream. But really, UsWeekly also put up a story yesterday about how newly single Jon Hamm and newly single January Jones spent a lot of time together at an Emmys after-party.
“Jon was in an amazing mood,” the source tells Us Weekly of Hamm’s demeanor at the post-Emmys party. “He spent most of the night nestled in a corner booth with January and a few show runners,” they added.
January also Instagrammed this picture of her with Don Draper:
Yeah, these two don’t really make sense to me. First of all, what kind of self-respecting home wrecker hooks up with a dude AFTER he breaks up with his long time partner? That is the opposite of home wrecker logic. Second of all, Jon Hamm is supposedly a needy man child who needs a mother figure to take care of him. If that’s the case, he should probably date January’s nanny. Because the minute he starts crying and saying he needs a hug, she’ll probably pick him up and drop him in the nanny’s lap.
And here’s Jon Hamm leaving the eye doctor’s office yesterday. There’s no need to press your eyeballs up against the screen to see if The Hammaconda made an appearance. I already did that.
Pics: Wenn.com
Okay, So Jon Hamm Did Thank Jennifer Westfeldt (And Their Dog) Last Night
When Jon Hamm’s acceptance was over last night, I wondered if he Hilary Swank’d it by not thanking his now ex-piece Jennifer Westfeldt. My ears didn’t hear the words, “Thank you, Jennifer Westfeldt,” but then again, I really wasn’t listening since all of my focus was on trying to spot any sign of the Hammaconda. (I always focus on the highly important things.) Jon Hamm did thank his partner/mother figure of 18 years…right after he thanked their dog first.
In “So Shocking” News: January Jones Spent A Comic-Con Party Looking Miserable
Apparently Ben Affleck wasn’t the only one working a hardcore frown game at Comic-Con this weekend. According to Page Six, resting bitch face hall of famer January Jones was seen at a party for the movie Self/Less during Comic-Con, and shock of all shocks, she looked like she’d rather be getting a fire ant enema. A source from the party, who no doubt had to be treated for second degree frostbite burns on their eyeballs after looking directly into her ice queen stare, tells Page Six that January “appeared absolutely miserable” and that she spent the night sucking on an e-cig.
“She was in a really foul mood and sat by herself, chain-smoking an e-cigarette while her friends danced. She was completely disinterested, and no one knew why she was there.”
Maybe January was acting like such a Debbie Downer, because she knew she was at a party for a movie that will someday see the inside of the $0.99 DVD bin at Walmart.
I don’t blame January for being in a shit mood all night. I blame the people throwing that party. January Jones was a test, and they FAILED. January Jones is the closest thing we have to a current-day Sword in the Stone situation. If notoriously not-into-it January Jones is at your party looking like the WASP version of Grumpy Cat, that’s a challenge to turn that frown upside down. You do what it takes: booze, topless hunks, more e-cigs. And on the day that January does crack a smile, the curse of her chronic grouch face will be slain, and the person responsible will be our new lord and king.
Pic: Wenn.com
Stephanie March Calls Out Bobby Flay’s Alleged Affair With January Jones In Court Papers
While looking for pictures to go with this story about Bobby Flay’s roaming ginger dick, I pulled up this picture just as I bit into a buttered English Muffin. My dog is now enjoying a half-eaten buttered English Muffin, because I long my appetite while picturing Paula Deen’s nooks and crannies fill with freshly churned pussy butter as she got an eyeful of Bobby’s pasty goods.
If there ever was a #getmoneybitch (copyright: the most influential philosopher of our time Khia) tournament of champions, Stephanie March would definitely be in the finals, because she’s been pulling out all the stops in her fight to get more alimony cash out of Bobby Flay. She’s brought their old racehorse into the fight and claimed that he’d be nothing without her palate. InTouch Weekly (via The Daily Mail) says that Stephanie is now bringing the adventures of Bobby Flay’s freckled salchicha into it.
Surprise! Bobby Flay’s Divorce Is Starting To Get Weird
Well, that was fast. One day after it was announced that smug-faced leprechaun chef Bobby Flay and SVU OG Stephanie March were quitting each other after 10 years of marriage, TMZ says Bobby Flay decided to haul ass to the courthouse and file for divorce, and it might have something to do with their prenup. Apparently Stephanie March isn’t happy with the prenup she signed back in 2005 when they got married, and they’ve already started fighting over property. TMZ says Bobby Flay was already pretty rich when they first got together, and the prenup reflects that. So their divorce might come down to Stephanie trying to get money while Bobby tries to keep money. They don’t have any kids together, so there will be no messy custody fight.
To make matters messier, the NYDN says that one of the reasons Bobby and Stephanie marriage dried up worse than a flank steak left in the oven too long was the frozen cauliflower version of Angelina Jolie, January Jones. An insider (a shifty-eyed Giada trying to divert attention away from herself) says that things haven’t been great ever since Stephanie found a frozen spermcicle on the tip of Bobby’s freckled dick and accused him of sticking it in January’s ice queen cooch. The insider claims he denied that anything shady ever happened with January Jones.
If Beat Bobby Flay has taught me anything, it’s that Bobby Flay can be a real asshole when he wants to win something. So if Stephanie March wants to get her hands on any of that sweet Food Network cash, she knows who to call: her replacement, Assistant District Attorney Casey Novak! Casey gets shit done.
January Jones And Will Forte Might Be Doing It
If you’ve been watching Fox’s The Last Man on Earth, you know that Will Forte’s character Phil Miller has been desperately trying to get with January Jones’ character Melissa Shart for the past couple weeks (despite the fact that he’s fake married to Kristen Schaal, who was his second choice after a hot department store mannequin. Trust me, it’s a great show). However, it sounds like pretending to have the hornies for each other might have lead to actually having the hornies for each other, because UsWeekly says Will Forte and January Jones are totally dating. Random, thy name is Betty Draper humping on SNL’s MacGruber.
A source says that they’ve been dating for the past couple months, adding that he’s a “good guy” and they’re “having fun“. Well no fucking duh, how could you not have fun with Will Forte? That’s like saying “Guess what! I went on a date with Kim Kardashian and she brought her mom and a camera crew!” I mean, we’re talking about the man who gave us Paul L’Astnamé from 30 Rock; if anyone could get January Jones’ non-smiling face to crack a smile, it’s him.
Then again, this could all be UsWeekly’s idea of an April Fool’s Day joke. In which case, does that mean he’s still available? How does he feel about ok-faced bloggers that smell constantly of strawberry Pop-Tarts? I’m…uh…asking for a friend.
But speaking of smiling, here are some pictures of January Jones smiling at the Mad Men season premiere last week. Who knew that getting dicked by Tim Calhoun is the cure for chronic resting bitchface?
Pics: Wenn.com