Well, if like me, you’ve ever fantasized about driving through the Scottish countryside and getting a flat tire, and as you stand by the side of the road, forlorn and shivering for ‘tis proper plowetery out, a figure appears out of the fog and mist, and as he approaches you, pulling off his damp wool sweater, you realize it’s Scottish pocket-hottie James McAvoy, and though you are married, the sudden mutual and intense lust between you is palpable and you tell yourself, it’s OK to fuck in this muddy field on a tartan blanket from the boot of your car, just this once, well I have bad news for you. You now have to gloss over the fact that James is also married in your fantasy, making it that much harder to finish. Because, according to Page Six, James recently revealed that he secretly married his girlfriend, Lisa Liberati.
Short King, James McAvoy is letting the dark side of Hollywood out of the bag. You thought women had it bad in Hollywood? Buckle up because it’s time for the real bias and disregard of the media elite to be revealed: sometimes men don’t get roles because they’re… too short. Can you believe it? Tom Cruise is quaking in his lifts
You wouldn’t think a story about shaving your nutshack could be cute, but this one kind of qualifies. James McAvoy is plugging some flicks (including that supposed turd Glass), so he was on Graham Norton and told a darling story about the first time he shaved his nethers. As any man knows, that’s a dicey prospect at any age. And he did it for the first time at 12!
Not a press tour goes by without Jennifer Lawrence almost munching the carpet by falling, so of course, she had a stage 2 tumble at a screening for X-Men: Apocalypse in London today. Jennifer Lawrence claims that her falls are completely organic and she doesn’t purposely do them to keep her image as the quirkiest quirky girl in the business alive, but bitch, please.
If you watch the riveting video from The Daily Mail below, you will clearly see that Ms. Tumble4YaAttention manages to get through a crowd of people without any problems, and when she gets out into a small open space where her fall will get as much attention as possible, she suddenly stumbles. I like how that woman in the purple, who I’m guessing is her publicist, just happens to be there to catch her fall. If you press your ear to that video, you can practically hear JLaw whisper, “And a 3..2..FALL,” to herself. You can’t fool me, JLaw!
And after JLaw performed the fall that she and a team of choreographers spent hours on in a studio somewhere, she posed with Oscar Isaac and James McAvoy who seemed to have an intense debate about her tits:
Or maybe they were arguing about her busted and ill-fitting Dior dress. Oscar thinks that it looks like a knock-off of a Windsor Fashion’s prom dress made with dyed muslin and James thinks it looks like a stripper’s wedding dress. Yeah, that’s probably what they’re arguing about it.
After falling on the stairs at the 2013 Academy Awards and bailing on the red carpet at the 2014 Academy Awards, I just assumed Jennifer Lawrence was planning on saving her next “Whoopsies, how endearing of me!” choreographed stunt fall for the 2015 Academy Awards. Instead, The Daily Mail says she fast-tracked things a bit by tripping up the stairs at the New York premiere of X-Men: Days of Future Past on Sunday night. Although, this one might not technically count, because they say it wasn’t a full-on shit-eating fall; it was more like a fall that never materialized because too many people threw out their arms to prevent America’s Sexiest Keeper of the Real from taking a tumble. It was the pre-cum of falling, really.
I know I throw a lot of shade at Jennifer Lawrence for being one of the hardest working tricks in the try-hard game, but I honestly believe this stumble up the stairs wasn’t planned. That velveteen dress she’s wearing is giving me serious flashbacks to the year 2000, and in case you forgot about the year everyone was stuffing themselves into cheap velveteen, that shit wasn’t a very forgiving fabric. It stretched when it wanted to and if your skirt/dress was long enough, it always found a way to wrap itself around the heel of your platform Mary Janes and throw your ass at the worst of times. It’s not JLaw’s fault she almost fell again; it was that vengeful bitch velveteen’s fault!
Here’s more of Jennifer Lawrence at the X-Men: Back to the Future Past premiere on Sunday night, along with Hugh Jackman, who also threw back to the year 2000 by wearing a band-aid on his face as an homage to Nelly (not really; it’s because he had some skin cancer removed), JLaw’s About A Hottie boyfriend Nicholas Hoult, Ellen Page looking like a young Jesus going to his bar mitzvah, and Fan Bingbing, who not only brings the glamour EVERY TIME, but also has the hottest name:
I didn’t know my nipple slits had the ability to pucker until I saw this picture of Sir Ian McKellen putting his hand on his hip while posing next to Michael Fassbender (the “F” is always silent).
When Comic-Con hits San Diego, the streets immediately fill with extra chunky nerd jizz, but there were extra amounts of nerd jizz in the streets on Saturday when Old Magento threw flirty eyes at Young Magento. At the panel for X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ian McKellen let it be known that he’s in the market for a husband and he wouldn’t mind if Michael Assbender slipped a ring on his finger. Vulture was there when fanfiction dreams came true:
“I just want to say it’s great to be back in California,” McKellen told the crowd. “I feel safe here now that you’ve gotten rid of Proposition 8. I’m looking for a husband.” He cast a sidelong glance at Fassbender, the handsome Shame star who plays the seventies version of McKellen’s character in Days of Future Past. With lasciviousness in his voice, McKellen purred, “It’s great to meet you, Michael.”
I was going to say that I don’t think Ian McKellen can handle Assbender’s prostate-flattening peen (his Assaconda?), but it’s obviously the other way around. Michael Fassbender can’t handle Ian McKellen.
And that picture tells me that when Ian McKellen gets close to Michael Assbender, both of his heads grow twice in size.