Drake Might Be Working His Sensitive Game On Hailey Baldwin

The last time we checked in on who Drake was allegedly rubbing on, sources claimed it was Rihanna and that they had been doing it in secret for months. That news got a bit of a “Sure, Jan” from me, since I’m skeptical that RiRi’s restless coochie is able to commit to a time frame as long as “months.” Now TMZ is saying that Drake might have a new lady in his life. It must be serious, because he took her to the only club/restaurant that exists in Los Angeles for famous people, The Nice Guy. I believe a pap walk outside of The Nice Guy is basically the famous version of a promise ring.

Drake was seen at The Nice Guy last night with Stephen Baldwin’s daughter and Justin Bieber’s former girlfriend/thirsty selfie partner, Hailey Baldwin. Sources tell TMZ that Drake and Hailey showed up around 11:30pm and crawled into a booth with another couple. The sources say it was clear that they were on a date, and that at one point, Drake put his arm around the back of the booth. Apparently the bearings in Jimmy’s wheelchair aren’t the only things that are smooth.

But they didn’t spend all night at the club. They left around 2:30am, because, you know, Hailey probably had a big day of…modeling (???) ahead of her. Hailey left out the front, Drake snuck out the back. As for when they might have gotten together, TMZ says they were hanging out at Drake’s Memorial Day party.

So Hailey Baldwin and her BFF Kylie Jenner are both dating Canadian rappers now. I wonder how long it will be before they both start taking selfies in Hudson Bay-stripe bikinis and Snapchatting themselves eating butter tarts while “high as fuck“? As a Canadian person, I hope the answer is: never.

Here’s Drake and what could possibly Canada’s future princess (typing that made me sad) leaving The Nice Guy early this morning.

Pics: Splash

Run For The Hills, Coachella Is Here

I’ve been putting up crosses, pictures of the baby Jesus and lighting prayer candles all week to protect myself from the impending apocalypse, which started yesterday. Hell fire rained down, demons joyously jumped through fields and string headband sales skyrocketed. My friends, pray with me… Coachella is upon us. Thankfully, I live on the East Coast, so I’m not in the danger zone, but these things spread. The hell mouth that has opened up in California to let loose boho dresses and string fringe vests could very well continue to grow and swallow the whole world. Let’s take a look at some of the devastation.

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Leave It To Charli XCX To Give You Ten Tons Of Drunk 90s Bride At The amfAR Gala

Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.

And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”

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Attention Citizens Of Mexico: Your Country Is Now Bieber-Free!

I know people are always saying that dolphins are super smart, but that’s obviously a lie. I mean, how smart can they be? I’ve got the brain of a low-IQ squirrel, and even I know that getting that close to Justin Bieber puts you at risk of catching a chronic case of doucheitis.

So, I’m not sure how national holidays are born, but it’s probably safe to say this one has already made the shortlist. One day after Justin Bieber was caught acting ike a drunken ass-flashing asshole at the Mayan ruins in Tulum, TMZ says Canada’s acid-resistant pediatric plantar wart has hopped on a private jet and left Mexico. The only thing less-surprising than hearing that a world-class brat like Bieber behaved like a fool in another country is that he followed it up with a pouty “I’M GOING HOME!“-style exit.

TMZ claims that Justin Bieber, the daughter of the least-relevant Baldwin brother, and the rest of his Entitled Douche Crew weren’t asked to leave Mexico by officials, but just asked them to show a little respect. (Hahaha – good one, Mexican officials). Obviously, “respect” isn’t a word in Justin’s My First Dictionary, so he summoned his plane and they all went home.

Well, it looks like we can go probably ahead and add “flag jacking” to the long-list of things Justin Bieber has ruined. Thanks to Justin Bieber’s recent vacation fuckery, I can’t see why anyone would want to pretend to be a Canadian tourist. I’m sure a million little Canadian flag patches just ripped themselves off the backpacks they were sewn to and explained to their former owners that Canada’s reputation has been sullied by Justin Bieber and that they’re far better off without them.

Pic: Splash

Justin Bieber And Stephen Baldwin’s Daughter Make Their Attention Whore Love Official On Instagram

I’m starting my 2016 off with the sicks. I caught some kind of sinus infection cold thing while I was in Denver for New Year’s and strangely enough, my usual HOlistic treatment of choice (weed, booze, porn and Slim Jims) hasn’t killed it yet. I know, weird. So the past few days, I’ve been hacking up disgusting phlegm balls that look like a cross between mutilated Ghoulies and the butt discharge of Jabba the Hutt. But yet, spitting up globs of alien jizz haven’t grossed me out as much as this picture of Justin Bieber sucking face did. I know, my bitter ass obviously doesn’t understand pure love.

Stephen Baldwin’s Instagram model daughter, Hailey Baldwin, has apparently been Justin Bieber’s casual hook-up trick for a little while now. A couple of months ago, the Biebs told Billboard that he and Hailey Baldwin weren’t a thing. But last night, she may have been officially upgraded to main piece when the Biebs posted a picture of them airing out their armpits while touching lips on Instagram. That’s the “raise your hand if you’re sure you’re a thirst bucket” pose. The two spent the holidays together in Anguilla and St. Barts.

So, let’s see, Hailey Baldwin is doing Justin Bieber who did Selena Gomez who may be doing Niall Horran who is in One Direction with Harry Styles who may be double bearding with Kendull Jenner who is friends with Hailey Baldwin and Gigi Hadid who is doing Zayn Malik who was in One Direction with Niall and Harry.  Those messes are the Wonky McValtrex, Brandon Davis, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, Starving Nachos, Mischa Barton and Harry Morton of 2016. And I’m just bracing myself for when some magazine inevitably calls them “the new Brat Pack” again.

And after the cut are a few more Instagram pictures of Young Hollywood High’s most annoying couple, including a picture of Justin Bieber looking like the star of Nick Jr.’s remake of Miami Vice.

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