Listen, my taste buds are the opposite of refined. My favorite “salad” is Tostitos, cheese, iceberg lettuce, and ground beef, all smothered in Catalina dressing. But even I, a proud trash food person, cannot get on board with the new offering from McDonald’s China… introducing the new Oreo Spam Burger. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Oreo crumble, two slices of Spam, topped with mayo (!!), on a classic sesame seed bun. This Frankenstein creation was released today and is only available for a very limited time. So fuck this virus, get your ass over to China ASAP!
Ok, so my goal is to get through this story without making a single toe pun. Can it be done? Only time will tell. According to The New York Post, Nick Griffiths, a man who lost his toe to frostbite last year, had his deceased appendage pickled and served to him in a glass of whiskey. And he’s leaving his toe behind as a gift so that others may have know the pleasure of its tangy zip.
Astoundingly, people have been paying actual money to drink something called a Sourtoe Cocktail since 1973. Under the watchful eye of the “Toe Master”, patrons at the Downtown Hotel in Dawson in the Yukon province of Canada, can pay $5 for the pleasure of imbibing a cocktail where instead of ice cubes bumping up against your lips, it’s the pickled toe of a human being. No word if the drinkers are offered a breath mint after completing the challenge in which “drinkers must touch their lips to the toe to earn a certificate of completion”. But if they are offered a mint, it would have to be a Mentos. Men. Toes. Dammit! I knew I’d jam myself up eventually.
Hostess announced via Twitter a new item that no one wants, needs or is excited about: Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich Twinkies. Unless some sort of universal immaculate conception happens and everyone becomes pregnant with Snooki’s baby, there’s no need for this.
Kanye West has done a lot of wild things on camera. He crashed Taylor Swift‘s MTV VMAs acceptance moment. He’s told us how much he loves Donald Trump while ranting about something that never actually happened. He’s sold over-priced garbage because you can’t have too much money. It’s well-documented that Kanye West is a mess. Well, we didn’t even know the half of it. Not only is Kanye West a self-aggrandizing, overly-sensitive, money-hongry (the Kardashian Kombo) man of God (AKA himself), but he’s also someone who possibly eats their own earwax. Not that eating someone else’s earwax is any better, but you know.
If you like mustard and you like ice cream, and more importantly like combining two things that have no business being combined, then French’s and Coolhaus have made all your sick fantasies come true with the invention of mustard ice cream.
Pabst Blue Ribbon has taken two great things, coffee and beer, and combined them together to make one gross thing. I guess ruining individual great things is America’s new favorite pass time. Heinz did it first with Mayomust and Mayocue and now Pabst wants in on the ruining action.