Things My Eyes Never Want To See Again: Justin Bieber Pretending To Make-Out With Ellen DeGeneres

But only because I get the creeps from seeing people get with the older versions of themselves, Quantum Leap-style. Also because I can’t stop thinking about all the weird dirty daycare viruses Ellen DeGeneres picked up from being in such close contact with perpetually runny-nosed toddler Justin Bieber.

Regardless, the Justin Bieber “I’m A Good Boy Now” Apology Tour made another stop at Ellen, and while there he and Ellen surprised some unsuspecting women by hiding out in a stall and pretending to be shocked when they were “caught” making out. I don’t know if they give out awards for pranking, but I’d like to nominate Justin and Ellen for the highest honor, because I truly cannot think of anything more traumatizing than accidentally walking in on that swaggy preteen hamster awkwardly putting his tiny hands on an adult woman.

I have no clue why Justin was on Ellen this week, besides trying for the 1,984th time to convince us that he’s no longer a throbbing dick cyst. Remember when he released that weird video of himself crying about how he’s not going to anything that might put him in the time-out chair anymore? No? Well, good news – here he is reciting it pretty much word for word for Ellen:

Raise your hand if as you were watching Jusin Bieber push out a pouty “I’m Sowwy”, you had a flashback to any episode of Full House where Michelle is forced to apologize for something. I could practically hear Danny and Uncle Jesse saying “Now, Michelle…” as that sad learning-a-lesson sitcom music played in the background.

American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America

I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).

Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.

But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.

Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:

Pics: Wenn.com

And Here’s A Picture Of Esmeralda Gosling, According To Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes (or as she’s known in the Gosloon superfan community, “Ryan Gosling’s man-stealing skank bitch baby mama”) appeared on Ellen yesterday for the first time since lying to human-sized elf Ellen DeGeneres about having a baby living in her body and talked some more about that baby. Eva first started talking about Baby Esmeralda last week when she confessed that she and Ryan don’t have any nannies for Baby Esmeralda and explained why they named her Esmeralda.

But it looks like she’s not quite ready to start releasing pictures of Baby Esmeralda just yet, because this is what she threw up to the audience on Ellen. And by “threw up”, I mean l literally threw up in my mouth a little after looking at that nightmare of a baby picture. Let’s get a closer look, shall we?

Yama hama, that picture is the definition of not right. Who knew that when you mash together the hot parts of Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s face in Photoshop you get a living nightmare? It looks like the modeling headshot of a baby Mr. Bean. I’m pretty sure that’s what Mia Farrow saw when she looked into the cradle at the end of Rosemary’s Baby.

And that picture is especially disturbing to me, because it looks exactly like my friend’s Nonna Maria after a fresh lip wax and right before she gives me the malocchio for not taking off my shoes in the house. Okay, now I’m actually for real terrified of that picture.

Jennifer Garner On Ben Affleck’s Dick In Gone Girl: “You’re Welcome”

Thanks to some of you and details articles giving me exact instructions, I knew exactly when the true star of Gone Girl (next to the indifferent ginger cat) would make an appearance and a few minutes before it did, I Gorilla Glue’d my eyelids to my eyebrows, pulled out a pair of high-powered binoculars and went bird watching. I thought that I spotted a note that read, “You’re welcome. Love, Jennifer Garner,” tattooed onto the side of Ben’s peen trunk and now I know I really did see that note. While on Ellen to whore out her new movie Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, she told Ellen DeGeneres that she is a charitable soul who wanted to give the world the gift of her husband’s dick. Jennifer Garner really IS the nicest woman in Hollywood. What other Hollywood wife would say, “um, you’re welcome,” to the side trick who calls her to brag about how they had her husband’s dick? At around the 0:56 mark in the video below, Jennifer sends all of us a Mylar balloon with the words “You’re welcum, whores” scribbled on it:

If you’re too lazy to hit the play button and move your mouse to the 0:56 mark, here’s what she said in text form:

JG: What I have to say is: You’re welcome. I try to consider myself a charitable person and I wanted to give back. You give me so much. I wanted to give something back to all of you.

ED: Forgive me if I don’t know this, is this the first time he’s been frontal nude in a film?

JG: Outside of our very racy films? Um, yes.

ED: Was he nervous about it? Were you nervous about it? Did you talk about it?

JG: It was a discussion. It was like, “Hey at work today Fincher talked me into coming out of the shower.” I was like, “Oh cool. I hope he had on a wide lens.“

I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth – I know the saying is “gift horse” but I can’t really say that here. I mean, it could grow into a gift horse. Anyway, I’m not one to look a gift colt in the mouth, but Jennifer Garner’s “gift” was a half order and some of us were expecting a full order.  What I mean by that is that (PEEN SPOILER ALERT) Ben gives us a quick side profile of his soft Affdick and what are we supposed to do with a side profile? Sketch it and then have that drawing turned into a cameo necklace? Actually, that’s not a bad idea.

Ellen DeGeneres Pretty Much Confirmed That Eva Mendes Has A Gosling Baby In Her Womb

Yesterday, when Ok! Magazine was the first to say that Eva Mendes has every McGosling shipper’s worst nightmare growing in her body, some people shrugged and said, “Eh, I’ll believe it when she gives birth to a baby who inherited her Cesar Romero as the Joker-like eyebrows and his ability to make ovaries combust by winking.” But then Access Hollywood co-signed Ok!’s story and the Internet really knew it was in danger, girl, when People (aka The Voice Of The People Weekly) confirmed through “a source” (FYI: I’m pretty sure Eva’s publicist’s name is Annabella Source) that one of Ryan’s smooth jizz fishes dropped kicked into one of Eva’s ovaries 7 months ago. And it really, really became all the way real when Ellen DeGeneres tweeted a tweet that pushed the Ryan Gosling fangirls deeper into the dark, scary ocean of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Congrats to @RyanGosling and @EvaMendes! That's going to be the most beautiful, bilingual, part-superhero, well-dressed, romantic baby ever.

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) July 9, 2014

Back in February, Eva was on Ellen and she sort-of-kind-of-not-really denied that she’s got a Gosling fetus in her, so Ellen congratulating them is their way of confirming that shit. But damn, Eva and Ryan are such dramatic, theatrical bitches. I get that Eva went into hiding for four months, because she’s practically the JD Salinger of C-list movie actresses and is oh-so private and blah blah blah… But when the story came out yesterday, she could’ve just come out and said, “Yeah, losers, call your family and tell them to put you on suicide watch, because your fake boyfriend really did bareback bone a baby into me.” Instead, she had to get Ellen to confirm it for them. You’d think Alfred Hitchcock’s ghost orchestrated this baby announcement, because it’s THAT suspenseful.

And today, TMZ posted hilarious and ridiculous pap pictures of Eva using everything and the kitchen sink (no joke, I think there’s a Kohler sink behind that stripped blanket thing) to hide her growing fetus dome yesterday. Those pictures look like a Monty Python skit. Buffoonery! I’m surprised she hasn’t hired Rob Kardashian (he needs the job) to walk in front of her at all times. I get that Eva’s knocked up with a fetus that has destroyed the emotions of thousands of fangirls, but she’s acting like she’s pregnant with some truly, truly, truly treasured cargo like a naked picture of Prince Hot Ginge or the secret recipe to Jell-O 1-2-3. It’s just a baby. But I do hope that she keeps this act up after her kid is born, because I really want to see her carrying around a paper grocery bag with her baby disguised as a baguette sticking out of it. (“Eva, your baguette just drooled.” – a pap “Oh, that means it’s really organic.” – Eva)

If I was Eva, I’d walk around naked with the words “KEEP CRYING” written on my bump.

The Multiple Selfie That Broke Twitter

If only Bradley's arm was longer. Best photo ever. #oscars pic.twitter.com/C9U5NOtGap

— Ellen DeGeneres (@TheEllenShow) March 3, 2014

If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.