And Here’s A Picture Of Esmeralda Gosling, According To Eva Mendes

Eva Mendes (or as she’s known in the Gosloon superfan community, “Ryan Gosling’s man-stealing skank bitch baby mama”) appeared on Ellen yesterday for the first time since lying to human-sized elf Ellen DeGeneres about having a baby living in her body and talked some more about that baby. Eva first started talking about Baby Esmeralda last week when she confessed that she and Ryan don’t have any nannies for Baby Esmeralda and explained why they named her Esmeralda.

But it looks like she’s not quite ready to start releasing pictures of Baby Esmeralda just yet, because this is what she threw up to the audience on Ellen. And by “threw up”, I mean l literally threw up in my mouth a little after looking at that nightmare of a baby picture. Let’s get a closer look, shall we?

Yama hama, that picture is the definition of not right. Who knew that when you mash together the hot parts of Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s face in Photoshop you get a living nightmare? It looks like the modeling headshot of a baby Mr. Bean. I’m pretty sure that’s what Mia Farrow saw when she looked into the cradle at the end of Rosemary’s Baby.

And that picture is especially disturbing to me, because it looks exactly like my friend’s Nonna Maria after a fresh lip wax and right before she gives me the malocchio for not taking off my shoes in the house. Okay, now I’m actually for real terrified of that picture.