Megan Fox Isn’t Crazy About Turning 30, Or As She Calls It: “So Old”

If you have a young person in your life that you want to encourage to grab life by the butt hole and seize the day and all that shit, go ahead and print out this picture of an almost-30 Megan Fox and tape it to the screen of their iPhone. That way, every time they flip over their phone to take a selfie, they’ll be reminded that life is short and it’s only a matter of time before they’re a crumbling sack of dusty bones ringing death’s doorbell like this old-ass lady here. It’s what Megan Fox would want.

Elderly mothball Megan Fox was on Ellen today to remind us that she subbed in for Zooey Deschanel while she gave birth to Baby Otter, and Ellen DeGeneres made the mistake of bringing up the fact that some parts of Megan will be turning 30 in May.

“When you’re young, that sounds so old. When you’re in high school or even when you’re in your early 20s, it still sounds like, ‘By the time I’m 30, I should just give up.’ Like, what’s the point of going on at that age? And then you turn 30, and you don’t feel any older at all.”

Ellen then added that she felt the same way about people who are 50 and 60 years old, and Megan chimed in that those are the numbers that make you picture a person “in a hospice.”

Apparently hearing the word “thirty” causes all the muscles in Megan Fox’s face to emote like she’s never emoted before. So, keep that in mind, future directors who hire Megan Fox.

Really though, Megan clearly needs an oldie in her life who can teach her that sexy is a state of mind, not a number. If only someone could find the real-life versions of Blanche Devereaux and Mona Robinson and convince them to mentor young sexy types in their spare time. We need to think of the future generations of sexy!

Harry Styles And Kendall Jenner Kontinue To Serve Up That New Relationship Realness For The Paps

Yesterday, Amish hipster Harry Styles was “caught” (read: the paps showed up at the right place at the right time) kissing on the most legitimate Kardashian, Kendall Jenner, on a yacht in St. Barts. I guess Harry didn’t want to spend another day listening to Kendall’s pimp, Kris Jenner, barking “What is this, amateur hour? Arch your ass harder!” at them from the upper deck, so they called up Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi and invited them over for lunch. “Fine. You get an hour. But after that, it’s back to choreographed cuddling” hissed Kris Jenner, before muttering “Kim would never have taken a break…” under her breath.

According to People, Kendall and Harry had lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht, which makes totally sense and isn’t random at all, because why wouldn’t a 57-year-old woman and her 42-year-old wife want to hang out with two fame-humping fetuses? No, it’s probably because Kris Jenner wanted to see if she could get any more mileage out of those gay rumors before retiring them to the back of the Kardashian Rumor Kloset, and Ellen and Portia were the most famous gayelles available in St. Barts.

Here’s more riveting photos of Kendall and Harry having lunch with Ellen and Portia on their yacht earlier today. You know you truly have your priorities in order when all you care about is what they had for lunch. Who cares about those two pieces of stale dry toast – I wanna know what kind of rich people food they ate! Like, those paps took 6.8 million pictures and you mean to tell me they couldn’t get one clear shot of the food? Jesus, get it together.

Pics: Splash

Go Ahead And Add “Drew Barrymore” To The List Of Things Martha Stewart Doesn’t Have Time For

Martha Stewart could teach a master class on not giving a single fuck. Martha will drag a bitch-ass trick who tries to come for her artisanal oven-roasted crown, she keeps the bathroom door open while she pisses, and now we know that she definitely doesn’t fuck with people getting in the way while she prepares a delicious autumnal sangria. Martha Stewart showed up on Ellen on Friday to pimp out her new book Appetizers, and of course she made some appetizers. She also made everyone in the audience want to reach for a warm blanket after she dropped the temperature in the studio to below freezing while icing out Drew Barrymore.

For some reason, Martha was only feeling Ellen DeGeneres. As you can see above, it’s like they’re at a party at Ellen’s house, and Martha is ratting out Drew for taking a massive crab cake dump and plugging the toilet. She’s like “I’m pretty sure she snatched a few pills from the medicine cabinet too.” You can watch the awkward trainwreck unfold below.

I have watched this video four times, and I honestly cannot tell what the fuck Martha was making because I was too busy watching Drew trying to get Martha’s attention and Martha straight-up ignoring her ass. Drew could have poured that pitcher of sangria over Martha’s head, and she would have kept on going as if nothing had happened.

Finally, after nearly four minutes of playing the Lea Michele to Martha’s Jessica Lange, Drew shrugs and starts drinking. Although I’m sure she could have picked up that giant bowl of popcorn, snuck off backstage to the green room, and returned at the end of the segment. Really, it’s not like Martha would have noticed she was gone.

Matt Damon Tries To Clarify What He Said About Gay Actors

Ellen DeGeneres has officially become the Captain Save-A-Ho of the S.S. Damage Control, because it seems like famous types are always “clarifying” crap on her show. Matt Damon was scheduled to be on her show yesterday to push that Martian movie and while he was there, Ellen gave him a chance to fix the latest shit storm his mouth hole created. It doesn’t seem liked it helped.

Continue reading

Caitlyn Jenner Is TOTALLY Cool With Gay Marriage Now, Okay?

Ellen DeGeneres was on Howard Stern’s Sirius show last week and she threw a side-eye at Caitlyn Jenner’s feelings about same-sex marriage. When Caitlyn was on Ellen’s show, the topic of dudes marrying dudes and chicks marrying chicks was brought up and she didn’t seem that thrilled about it. Caitlyn said that she’s a traditional Republican and used to think that marriage should only be between a dude and a chick, but she’s evolved and thinks that if “marriage is really important to you, go for it.” Ellen and everyone took that as a shrug, so she called Caitlyn out on Howard Stern. Well, Caitlyn cleared it all up in a note on her site.

Caitlyn writes that after talking to gay people, a light bulb popped up over her head and now she’s 100% for everyone being able to get married. Here’s a piece of what she wrote:

I want to help each of you understand something that I only recently embraced: Being different is okay – in fact, it’s great! But I also understand it takes some getting used to. Like many people, there was a time when I didn’t realize how important it is for gay couples to have the right to get married. But after hearing from my gay friends and learning more about the hardships they faced because of discrimination, it became clear to me that everyone should be able to marry the person they love. I can only hope that by sharing my story, there’s someone out there whose mind has been changed about trans people.

Sometimes it takes us a minute to have that aha! moment. (Yes, I too hate myself for quoting Oprah.) Sure, Caitlyn Jenner’s aha! moment probably came when an executive at E! called her up, cursed her out and told her that she better fix it with a publicist-written post on her site or else she’ll never be asked to be the Grand Marshal of a gay Pride parade and then they won’t have footage for the premiere episode of season 2 of her reality show…. But, she still had that aha! moment.

Pic: Warner bros.

Caitlyn Jenner Is Afraid She’ll Have To Go To A Men’s Jail

Caitlyn Jenner is currently facing two lawsuits (with a third one coming) for her role in the car crash that killed a woman on PCH and she’s also waiting to see if she’ll be charged for manslaughter or not. If I was her crisis manager (Note: She’d be FUCKED if I was her crisis manager), I’d tell her that if she’s doing an interview and the crash comes up, just say, “I can’t talk about it, my thoughts are with the family of the victim, I can’t talk about it, my thoughts are with the family of the victim,” over and over again. But she didn’t really do that during a 2-part interview with Matt Lauer for Today.

Continue reading