I Don’t Know If Joseph Gordon-Levitt Loves Stars Wars Or Hates It

I’ll get to the people who were actually in Star Wars: The Force Awakens in a minute, but first, here’s some of the messes who weren’t in the movie but showed up because they either wanted to see it for free or they wanted to get their picture taken. Or both!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt led the LOOK AT ME train by showing up to the premiere in Hollywood looking like what I think is supposed to be Yoda? What in the hell kind of GD Yoda is that? Dude looks more like somebody’s mom answering the front door on a Sunday morning with a seaweed mask on her face. It looks like Shrek shot a 6-day load on his face. If the tip of JGL’s nerd boner gets moist for Star Wars, he should’ve tried a little bit harder. A hotel bathrobe, Grinch pajama bottoms from T.J. Maxx, converse and a baby poop face mask does not make a Yoda costume. Maybe JGL not-so-secretly hates Star Wars and his fuck effort outfit is his way of saying, “This shit is stupid.” Whatever the case may be, he should’ve been arrested for this.

Both Sofia Vergara and Maria Menonous wore Princess Leia-like hairstyles, and Jaime King, the den mother of Taylor Swift’s squad, also got an invitation for some reason and I don’t think she came dressed as one of the characters. I mean, I guess Jaime King can say she came dressed as a trick who had a one-night-stand with Chewbacca and made an outfit out of a bed sheet and his huge tuxedo shirt for the walk home. Will Taylor Swift please increase Jaime’s allowance so bitch can buy a real outfit? Jaime’s WTF ensemble is in the gallery as well as pictures of Karreuche Tran (???) and Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s latest piece. Attention Whores: The Thirst Awakens!

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

SNL Opened Last Night’s Show With A Tribute To Paris

Even though my brain was still cursing my ass out for making it watch soggy Ritz cracker Donald Trump struggle to read off cue cards last week, I watched Saturday Night Live last night. Mostly because I was hoping they’d open with a sketch showing that last week’s show was just an elaborate 90-minute long prank pulled by Gilly. Instead, they kept it classy by scrapping their usual cold open and replacing it with Cecily Strong acknowledging Friday’s events in Paris. It’s short and sweet and she even does the second half in French, which is pretty impressive (well, to me, at least – but that’s because I can barely order a cheeseburger in French without going “Um…uh…le…um…“). She must have gotten a few pronunciation lessons from Jean K. Jean or something.

They still did a whole show, of course, and I’ve thrown two of the funnier sketches after the cut.

Continue reading

The Shade Of It All: Elizabeth Banks Burns Tara Reid

Elizabeth Banks has been in the Hunger Games movies, she stole scenes in 30 Rock, she was in the masterpiece that is Wet Hot American Summer and she directed the Pitch Perfect sequel, which will probably make 30 trillion dollars. She’s also the actress my mom always refers to as Al Bundy’s daughter in Modern Family. Some might say that Elizabeth Banks is at the top. But well, has she been in Sharknado 1 AND 2? No. Can she create a paparazzi frenzy (read: 1 pap taking a dozen pictures while waiting for someone from Vanderpump Rules to show) by posing with fellow A-lister Bai Ling? I think not. Is she a 3-time Razzie nominee? Nope.

Elizabeth Banks knows all of that and it eats at her insides. She probably wakes up in the middle of the night wondering where her career went wrong. Elizabeth couldn’t hide her jealousy anymore and during an interview with The Hollywood Reporter to promote Pitch Perfect 2, it all come out when she said this:

“There was a group of us girls coming up. A lot of us are surviving. Some of us are not. I used to go to auditions with Tara Reid. So, you know, we didn’t all make it. We’re not all still here. I do love Sharknado.”

Surprisingly, Tara Reid found time in her busy schedule to comment on this wrong diss. Tara responded by saying, “Elizabeth who?” No, Tara said that she’s a fan and she doesn’t understand why Elizabeth Banks would slap at her like that. Like I said before, the answer is: PURE JEALOUSY. Elizabeth Banks wishes she was in The Hungover Games instead of The Hunger Games, which nobody cares about! Elizabeth also wishes that her pussy game was so good that it got men fired from their job.

Continue reading

And Now It’s Jennifer Lawrence’s Turn To Work That Fancy Duvet Cover Couture!

As a proud nap enthusiast, I am loving the siesta sophistication being served up at these Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres! First it was Elizabeth Banks turning out gorgeous guest bedroom eleganza in London, and now we have Jennifer Lawrence working some flawless 5-star hotel room realness at the premiere in Los Angeles last night. That dress makes me want to order a $30 cheeseburger from room service and eat it in a pillow fort while watching a tasteful $20 adult film.

Now, I’m not sure what Jennifer Lawrence has stuffed under the skirt of her fancy Dior dress, but I will say this: it looks like it’s either comfortable as hell or a Slue Foot Sue nightmare. But knowing JLaw, there’s no way she’d cram herself into anything that would restrict a fart, so I’m going with “comfortable”. JLaw is smart – those Hunger Games movies are long as hell, and the best way to prevent getting a painful ass cramp from sitting too long is to make sure your butt is wrapped in a soft nest of plush booty cushioning.

Sadly, JLaw’s down-filled butt wasn’t my favorite look of the premiere. That honor goes to Fulton Reed from The Mighty Ducks (aka Elden Henson) who wore his hair in a gorgeous pair of formal gentleman braids!

The braids plus the bow tie make him look like sort of like a little girl at a dance recital that was like “Fuck this shit, I’m late for my job at the bank“. I love it! Here’s more of JLaw looking all kinds of comforter casual and Fulton Reed working a tight hair game last night, as well as Jena Malone serving up some drunk memaw at a wedding realness, and MISS DIANA ROSS!!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Behold, Elizabeth Banks Serving Up Some Dramatic Duvet Couture At The Hunger Games Premiere

Wearing clothes is hard, it really is. Unless you’re wearing a Snuggie, there are so many things that could go wrong: Camel Toe, Pancake Ass, Hot Dog Boob. Elizabeth Banks must know this, because instead of torturing her titties by wrapping them in a too-tight bandage dress or cramming her ass into some kind of high-waisted satin pant contraption, she showed up to the London premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 this evening wearing a billowy sleeveless chiffon duvet cover with a built-in blanket cape. Normally a dress like this might make me shout “FUG!”, but not this time and here’s why:

1. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing someone who looks like at any given moment could drop to the floor and take a comfortable nap.

2. Elizabeth’s dress reminds me of this rich girl I knew when I was 8 named Sabrina. Her nanny let her eat icing sugar by the spoonful, and you couldn’t touch anything in her house because it was opulent as hell. This dress reminds me of the duvet in her parent’s second bedroom, which I believe was used solely for fucking.

3. Elizabeth’s dress also reminds me of the one the greedy-ass queen from The Queen Who Stole The Sky makes when she steals the sky, and that’s super hot, because that crazy bitch stole the sky! THE SKY!

Here’s more of honorary shameless slut Elizabeth Banks working some “The bottom half of my dress is filled with farts and nobody can tell” eleganza in London this evening in what will no doubt be the first of 4,083 Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres, as well as the rest of your mom’s bedding sale haul, including Jennifer Lawrence wearing an embroidered mattress cover, Jena Malone wearing the cover from a yellow satin bolster pillow, and Natalie Dormer looking like a fancy scented underwear drawer sachet.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Elizabeth Banks Doesn’t Want Anyone To Feel Guilty For Getting Their Hump On

Elizabeth Banks may be married with two kids, but today she’s an honorary shameless slut of the highest order (I’m glueing together a crafty construction paper award ribbon with glitter and Astroglide for her as we speak). Elizabeth, who I bet goes by “Dirty Liz” when she’s feeling extra horny, spoke to New You magazine (via HuffPo) and explained that she believes the children are our future, and we must teach them the blissful joy that comes from happily rubbing your down-lows against another boner or pussy pocket, and also to stop throwing them judgemental side-eyes as if they were promiscuous trampy gutter trash:

“It’s a huge disservice to young people to put shame into the equation. That’s what bothers me the most about it and why I speak so openly about sex. I promote safe sex, always, and abstinence until you are madly in love. But at the same time I have no desire to shame any young person about what’s going on in their life or about general sexuality or their bodies.”

I’m not sure what sex-ed is like in America, since I was taught the “one beaver to one maple syrup” system in Canada, but I think what Elizabeth Banks is saying about sex makes plenty of sense, and I for one would love to see her create a nationwide standardized sex-ed curriculum. She covers all the bases! Abstinence for the religious kids, “madly in love” sex for the kids who plan on marry their high school sweetheart two seconds after they graduate, safe sex for the kids who want to get some decent experimenting in before they leave for college, and guilt-free no-string-attached fucking for the future hos of this great country. Let us teach the next generation of horny sluts to be proud of their unquenchable thirst for peens and poons. Stand tall! Hold your head high! You know, for pride, but also so you don’t get an eye-full of hot jizz.