Satisfying, uncomplicated, wholesome and fun. These are words we don’t get to throw around a lot in #thesetroubledtimes. But thanks to one of the best game shows of all time, there may be hope for us still. Supermarket Sweep is coming back! Why is this show so fucking great? I don’t know it just is! Why am I so exited? I don’t know I just am!
I’ve heard of silent but deadly, but this is a first for me. Jennifer Lawrence loves farts, but she didn’t almost take down a man with a deadly fart. That’s not to say the near-death situation wasn’t peak-Jennifer Lawrence, of course.
Jennifer was promoting Passengers with her co-star Chris Pratt on The Graham Norton Show on Friday and she told a story about the time her ass almost committed involuntary manslaughter. During the filming of The Hunger Games in Hawaii, Jennifer was in a wet suit and shooting a scene on sacred rocks. Her ass got itchy from the neoprene, so she scratched it against the rocks. This was a no-no, because according to JLaw, it’s disrespectful to rub your toot-toot against sacred rocks.
The Hawaiian island god living in the sacred rocks clearly had enough of JLaw rubbing her ass all over it. One of the rocks came loose and pulled a Raiders of the Lost Ark by rolling down a mountain towards a sound guy. This marks the first time in history that Jennifer Lawrence was beaten to an awkward fall by something else.
Thankfully, the sound guy wasn’t killed. The people of Hawaii, however, weren’t as relieved. As JLaw says, some saw the rock as a sign of a curse. Meanwhile, I’m sure there was at least one Hawaiian who saw the rock as a blessing. A genuine Hunger Games prop that was rubbed repeatedly by Jennifer Lawrence’s ass? I bet they got at least $1000 for that rock on eBay.
In case you’ve forgotten, America’s cool girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence loves to eat. If we went inside JLaw’s head, Inside Out-style, we’d see that she had only one Island of Personality, and it would be a massive pile of chicken wings floating on a fart cloud, surrounded by a moat of barbecue sauce. And JLaw says that she’s earned it. During the San Diego Comic-Con panel for The Hunger Games: Whatever, The Last One on Thursday, JLaw talked about how lucky she is to have gotten to the point in her career where she doesn’t have to worry about anyone telling her to switch from pizza to celery-flavored water because she’s growing a major “stuffed crust ass.”
“I had a conversation with somebody about the struggles with weight in the industry – I know that’s something I talk nonstop about. And they were saying, ‘All of the main movie stars aren’t very underweight.’ I said, ‘Yeah, because once you get to a certain place [in your career], people will hire you. They just want you to be in the movie, so they don’t care.’ It’s more about the struggle for the actors and actresses who haven’t made it to a certain place.”
But when one mouth opens, another closes (what? I don’t know). JLaw also wants you to know that she’s trying to be less-JLaw:
“I’m starting this new thing: I’ve tried to develop a filter. This could blow people’s hair back in a good way, or it could be my last time at Comic-Con.”
Noooooo! What is Jennifer Lawrence without her signature chronic word diarrhea? Maybe she’s self-censoring her words in preparation for that possible Hawaiian family vacation she’s going on with Gwyneth Paltrow. I can imagine training your mouth not hiss out a sarcastic “Bitch, I’M GOOD” every time you’re offered a snack platter of organic pink lemon wedges would take weeks of practice.
Here’s more of Jennifer “2 Successful 2 Struggle” Lawrence at the Comic-Con Hunger Games panel, as well as the X-Men: Apocalypse panel on Saturday.
I know I could have grabbed literally any screen shot from the first trailer for The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2, but I decided to go with this one for two reasons:
1. Elizabeth Banks, as always, looks like she’s wearing something the costume department found in a box of my old skating carnival costumes. The only thing missing is a pair of thick orange Mondor over-the-boot tights and some lazy choreography to Glass Tiger’s “Rescued (By The Arms Of Love).”
2. It sort of looks like Katniss is wearing black UGG boots. I feel like at any minute, Britney Spears is going to pop out from behind one of those curtains with a sharpened Slim Jim and be like “Surprise, y’all! Gimme them boots. I’m going to the Capitol tonight and I wanna look classy.”
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 doesn’t come out till the end of November, which means this will probably be the first of at least 2,394 trailers that will be released. And for something that will surely be the first of many, they sure do cover a lot of ground. It’s a real garage sale mish-mash full of Hunger Games imagery: there’s a wedding, a rally, Katniss looking sad, Katniss looking confused, guns, a fancy-ass dinner party hosted by Jack Bauer’s dad, Katniss looking worried, Woody from Cheers in a really bad wig, a mudslide that looks like Hexxus from Fern Gully (speaking of Tim Curry). It’s probably best not to play any kind of drinking game while watching this trailer, because there’s so much random shit in it, you will be drunk off your ass by the time it’s done.
Sadly, it appears the only person not in this trailer for THG:MP2 is real-life dystopian future times teen Jaden Smith. Four movies, and they couldn’t once offer him a walk-on or a non-speaking role? He would have been so perfect for it!
As a proud nap enthusiast, I am loving the siesta sophistication being served up at these Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres! First it was Elizabeth Banks turning out gorgeous guest bedroom eleganza in London, and now we have Jennifer Lawrence working some flawless 5-star hotel room realness at the premiere in Los Angeles last night. That dress makes me want to order a $30 cheeseburger from room service and eat it in a pillow fort while watching a tasteful $20 adult film.
Now, I’m not sure what Jennifer Lawrence has stuffed under the skirt of her fancy Dior dress, but I will say this: it looks like it’s either comfortable as hell or a Slue Foot Sue nightmare. But knowing JLaw, there’s no way she’d cram herself into anything that would restrict a fart, so I’m going with “comfortable”. JLaw is smart – those Hunger Games movies are long as hell, and the best way to prevent getting a painful ass cramp from sitting too long is to make sure your butt is wrapped in a soft nest of plush booty cushioning.
Sadly, JLaw’s down-filled butt wasn’t my favorite look of the premiere. That honor goes to Fulton Reed from The Mighty Ducks (aka Elden Henson) who wore his hair in a gorgeous pair of formal gentleman braids!
The braids plus the bow tie make him look like sort of like a little girl at a dance recital that was like “Fuck this shit, I’m late for my job at the bank“. I love it! Here’s more of JLaw looking all kinds of comforter casual and Fulton Reed working a tight hair game last night, as well as Jena Malone serving up some drunk memaw at a wedding realness, and MISS DIANA ROSS!!
Wearing clothes is hard, it really is. Unless you’re wearing a Snuggie, there are so many things that could go wrong: Camel Toe, Pancake Ass, Hot Dog Boob. Elizabeth Banks must know this, because instead of torturing her titties by wrapping them in a too-tight bandage dress or cramming her ass into some kind of high-waisted satin pant contraption, she showed up to the London premiere of The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 this evening wearing a billowy sleeveless chiffon duvet cover with a built-in blanket cape. Normally a dress like this might make me shout “FUG!”, but not this time and here’s why:
1. Nothing brings me more joy than seeing someone who looks like at any given moment could drop to the floor and take a comfortable nap.
2. Elizabeth’s dress reminds me of this rich girl I knew when I was 8 named Sabrina. Her nanny let her eat icing sugar by the spoonful, and you couldn’t touch anything in her house because it was opulent as hell. This dress reminds me of the duvet in her parent’s second bedroom, which I believe was used solely for fucking.
3. Elizabeth’s dress also reminds me of the one the greedy-ass queen from The Queen Who Stole The Sky makes when she steals the sky, and that’s super hot, because that crazy bitch stole the sky! THE SKY!
Here’s more of honorary shameless slut Elizabeth Banks working some “The bottom half of my dress is filled with farts and nobody can tell” eleganza in London this evening in what will no doubt be the first of 4,083 Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1 premieres, as well as the rest of your mom’s bedding sale haul, including Jennifer Lawrence wearing an embroidered mattress cover, Jena Malone wearing the cover from a yellow satin bolster pillow, and Natalie Dormer looking like a fancy scented underwear drawer sachet.