Category: Don’t Bother They’re Here
Kanye West Concedes The 2020 Presidential Election
Kanye West’s historic bid for the White House is over. Despite a respectable showing, earning as much as .4% of the vote in some states, it seems America isn’t ready for its first Uber Clown President. Though we’ve had many conventional clowns in the Oval Office before, Kanye would have been our country’s first natural-born clown president who went on to also train as, and dress as, a conventional clown. The Birthday Party Clown community is reportedly devastated by this loss. However, Kanye seems to have taken it in stride as he sets his sights on 2024.
Kanye West Was Kicked Off The Illinois Ballot And His Wisconsin Paperwork Is Being Contested
Even with the help of the GOP, regrettably one of the most powerful (if inept) organizations in the country right now, Kanye West’s Birthday Party clown campaign keeps creampieing itself in the face. According to Business Insider, Kanye’s bid to get on the Wisconsin ballot with the help of one of Donald Trump’s personal campaign lawyers is being challenged by the Democratic Party who claim “he submitted his nomination papers late and used bogus signatures,” which included “Mickey Mouse” and “Bernie Sanders.” Additionally, the New York Post reports that he’s been kicked off the Illinois ballot, his home state, after officials found that “1,900 of the 3,128 signatures West submitted are invalid.” OK, haha, who sent in R. Kelly’s crayon writing practice worksheets from jail as a joke? Not cool, man. He’s doing his best!
Chance The Rapper Wants To Know Why Joe Biden Is A Better Presidential Candidate Than Kanye West
Slap me on the ass and call me mother. He’s running. It looks like Chance The Rapper has his sights set on becoming the Mike Pence of the Kanye West administration. Unlike millions of Americans who don’t have the time or mental bandwidth for Kanye’s bullshit right now, Chance is apparently taking his Chicago brethren’s possibly bipolar episode induced declaration of candidacy seriously. Vulture reports that Chance’s bid to become Kanye’s Secretary of Hotepery began when he retweeted a video for Kanye’s latest single Donda (a tribute to Kanye’s late mother) with the statement “And yall out here tryna convince me to vote for Biden. Smfh.” He then posed a series of questions to his followers and asked “can someone explain why Joe Biden would be better??”
*****spoilers ahead*****
Khloe Kardashian And Tristan Thompson Filed A Cease And Desist Letter Against A Woman Claiming Tristan Is Her Kid’s Father
Yesterday, Khloe Kardashian got clowned on Twitter over rumors that she was pregnant with her ex Tristan Thompson’s baby. While Khloe neither confirmed nor denied those rumors, she made it clear that she doesn’t appreciate people speculating or discussing her so-called private life. Well, Tristan’s sperm is making headlines again as he and Khloe have filed a cease and desist letter against Kimberly Alexander, a woman who claims that Tristan is the father of her 6-year-old son. Poor Kalamity Kuppy Kakes is still wiping the whipped cream from her eye, just to get squirted in the other eye with a forceful stream of seltzer thanks to Tristan’s vagabond peen. I’d sure hate to walk a mile in her big red shoes.
The Live Stream Of Stephen Sondheim’s 90th Birthday Celebration Concert Was Extra Dramatic Due To Technical Difficulties
Last night’s live stream broadcast of Broadway.com’s Take Me to the World: A Sondheim 90th Birthday Celebration gave all the Anne Hathaway types their lives, but it also shaved precious minutes off said lives due to a harrowing period of technical difficulties which can be summed up by the face host Raúl Esparza is making above. If the show hadn’t ultimately given us the cultural high watermark of Christine Baranski, Meryl Streep, and Audra McDonald in their bathrobes getting litty 2 titty while singing The Ladies Who Zoom, I mean Lunch, it might have been a complete disaster.
A “Joker” Sequel Is Definitely Happening, Unless It’s Not, But It Probably Is
Clowns are super dramatic, we know this. They simply have no chill. When the inevitable Joker sequel comes to pass, Warner Bros. should consider replacing Joaquin Phoenix with Lea Michele, because that’s the kind of energy required. Two different trades, The Hollywood Reporter and Deadline, are offering two different versions of the same story. Both agree that Joker’s $1 billion windfall all but guarantees a sequel. However, THR says director Todd Phillips and Joaquin are already practicing their creepy clown end zone dances. They also report that Todd had a meeting with Warner Bros. and walked away with new DC origin story under his arm. And Deadline says THR is full of shit and that meeting never even happened. Are you prepared for the Great Clown Wars of 2020? Don’t bother, they’re here.