Today is the Fourth of July. And while this year’s party might feel like a trip to the dentist instead of a day at Chuck E. Cheese’s (I mean, literally insert any news item from the past six months and tell me there’s still anything to celebrate), there are still some ways that you can whoop it up responsibly. No, I’m not talking about mixing up some virgin margaritas (I just assume that everybody is and has been drunk at 9 am everyday since March) before passing out in your backyard kiddie pool. No, if you can somehow manage to get your hands on some colorful explosives, you can treat this year like every other Fourth of July. Just don’t let any sparks land on your face masks.
Remember how there was that whole “Storm Area 51!” thing going around the internet for a while? Well, some dumbass actually did it. But it wasn’t hundreds of thousands of curious alien-lovers going to Area 51 to rescue whatever alien species they think are locked up there. It was a YouTuber and his friend, and they got arrested because that’s what happens when you trespass on highly-secret government facilities. Who’d of thought? Oh yeah, everyone.
File this under: Shit Bored People Do. Because you really have to be bored out of your damn mind to want to take a pilgrimage to Area 51, better known as the place the government allegedly hides all their secret information about aliens.
McDonald’s has been supplying the masses with their non-biodegradable food for at least one thousand years now, and although many would claim that their biggest contributions to society are obesity and the bubblegutsm, they also introduced a creamy frozen delight called a McFlurry. If you’ve never had one then you don’t know what you’re missing. Actually, yes you do because there really isn’t anything special about it. However, some people absolutely LOVE them, and since McDonald’s has always been masters of marketing they’ve decided that they will help one lucky person begin their journey to starring on My 600 Pound Life. McDonald’s is giving away (as in for free) a couch that comes fully equipped with a built in chiller to keep your McFlurry’s super cold.
Jared Leto is pretty much the most authentic American we have right now, so it makes perfect sense that he’s undertaking the sacred American rite (for white dudes) of hitchhiking across the country in service of his art. James Franco is livid! Jared’s band 30 Seconds to Mars has an album coming out titled America, which is presumably American themed thus prompting Jared’s journey into the heart of darkness. Jared talked about the trip with “America’s host” on On The Air With Ryan Seacrest.
If there’s one story that encapsulates #thesetryingtimes in America right now, it’s the Keaton Jones saga. Over a 24 hour period, we went from “ah, no poor kid” to “lock her up” and I doubt we’ve yet to hear the last word on this story.
You’ll recall that yesterday everybody was talking about a video of young Keaton making an impassioned plea to end bullying, which his mom Kimberly Jones posted it to Twitter, supposedly at his request. Finally, an apolitical unifying cause we can all rally around to make ourselves feel better! Many celebrities picked up the thread and began retweeting Keaton’s video and offering to fly him out to various movie premieres. At this point, I started getting a no-good feeling in my gut because none of it made sense. That’s when the GoFundme campaigns started and the confederate flag reared its ugly head. Because, oh yeah it’s America and we can’t have nice things. Stupid, stupid, stupid (hits self in noggin repeatedly)!!