Wiz Khalifa Took A Snooze During Taylor Swift’s Grammy Performance

I always thought my spirit animal would come to me in the form of a talking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in a drug rug, not a come-to-life Clifford with regrettable neck tattoos and sloppy Busta Rhymes hair; but I guess life happens when you’re making other plans (or something else I read on a poster in the washroom of my dentist’s office while furiously spitting out fluoride). Anyways, today I found a kindred spirit in Wiz Khalifa when Us Weekly reported that he recently admitted on Fashion Police that he fell asleep during Princess Taylor’s piano recital performance at the Grammy’s:

“I loved that you had the good watch on, which is the detail,” Fashion Police host Joan Rivers told Khalifa of his flashy accessory at the Jan. 26 Grammys in L.A. “How many times did you check that watch during Taylor Swift’s endless ballad?”

“We love Taylor,” Khalifa’s wife Amber Rose replied, diplomatically.

But Khalifa didn’t want to play so nice. “I love Taylor, but I’m not even gonna lie, I fell asleep,” he said. “Just a little bit . . . then I woke back up.”

You had me at falling asleep, you lost me at “I love Taylor”. I’m kidding! Everyone’s allowed to love one embarrassing thing. Some people have Del Taco. Others have Tevas. For me, it’s Ke$ha (and not in an ironic way, either. I legit would love to be friends with that terrifically sloppy dumb pastel mess). So I’ll give Wiz a pass on Taylor, but it’s so over if I ever hear him say “You know what? Two and a Half Men is actually really fucking funny”. YOU GET ONE. ONLY ONE.

The 2015 Grammy committee should take what Wiz is saying as a valid criticism of the show, and not just the brain fart of a guy who looks like he eats Crunch Berries all day long in his sweatpants. Taylor was boring. But you know what made her 1000% more interesting? When someone superimposed Ryu from Street Fighter kicking her in the face:

To prevent napping, they should film all the performances in advance and add in video game character doing dumb shit. How could anyone fall asleep to Sonic the Hedgehog running laps around Macklemore?

I Guess That’s One Way To Greet Bradley Cooper…

Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?

Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.

At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.

Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Behold! A Time-Traveler From The Summer of 2012!

It feels like just yesterday that every girl under 30 was locking themselves in the bathroom with their boyfriend’s ball hair trimmer, listening to Call Me Maybe on repeat as they haphazardly shaved off half their hair (and immediately regretting their decision once they realized they look like Dr. Kimberly Shaw from Melrose Place). Apparently Game of Thrones actress Natalie Dormer didn’t get the memo that shaved heads died last year alongside #YOLO, because she showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like a bad-attitude suburban preteen-bot from Blade Runner. And that says nothing of the stapled-on ‘sleeves’ on her dress; that’s the kind of shit you do when you’re a dumb 17-year-old going to art school prom. “OMG I’m going to spray paint the bag these clementines came in and glue them to my dress because YOU CAN’T SILENCE MY CREATIVITY!!”

Here’s more of Natalie Dormer being as bad as she wanna be while looking like the poor man’s Miley (and that’s already the poor man’s everything) along with hot oldies Rita Moreno (who won a Lifetime Achievement Award) Helen Mirren (who won for Phil Spector) and Emma Thompson, Jennifer Lawrence – who I promise I won’t say anything mean about (even though those damn faces she’s making are begging me to), Our Lady of Bow Down, Bitches Lupita Nyong’o, Kaley Glen Coco (wearing her backup wedding dress), Julia Roberts IN A PANTSUIT, those Modern Family hos, OPRAH, Mimi (who was ROBBED of a Razzie nomination for her performance in Lee Daniel’s The Butler) and many more! Because – for real – they invite anyone who’s ever been near a television or an AMC theatre to the SAG Awards (I’m looking at you, Pauley Perrette).

(Pics via Splash, Wenn)

Jennifer Lawrence Didn’t Win The Critics’ Choice Award Last Night

In “What else is new?” news, I’m getting a late start today. So while I pour yesterday’s coffee grounds and a bottle of Redline into my right ear hole, here’s Lupita Nyong’o accepting the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Supporting Actress after beating Julia Roberts, June Squibb, ScarJo, The Mighty O and Hollywood’s current reigning Queen of ~Rill~ Jennifer Lawrence. Lupita beating Jennifer Lawrence at the Critics’ Choice Awards gives me hope. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll achieve the impossible by beating Hollywood’s golden child at the Oscars. But then I think about it for a second and ask myself, “Why in the hell do you give one fuck?

But really, screw the Oscars. It’s obviously all about the Critics’ Choice Awards (not really). Any awards show that airs on The CW, gets its graphics from Clip Art and takes place in a high school gym somewhere in the San Fernando Valley is my kind of awards show.

The 2014 Razzie Award Nominations Are Here!

Today is just like Christmas morning for me. Did the Razzie committee bring me everything I wanted? Let’s see! Oh my god, a Worst Supporting Actress nomination for Kim Kardashian in Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor? No way! What a great way to follow-up the Worst Supporting Human award she’s nominated for every day. Wait, whats this? Did I get two Lindsay Lohan nominations? Hashtag: blessed! And is this…8 nominations for that pile of shit Grown Ups 2! Uh oh, I feel light headed; I must be getting high from the overwhelming smell of garbage that’s filled my living room. God bless you, Razzie committee!

But the Razzie nominations left something behind; where’s the Worst Supporting Actress nomination for Cameron Diaz in The Counselor? When I was a kid, it used to be that weaving in and out of a vague accent, dressing in head to toe Body Central, and dry humping a car was a guaranteed Razzie nomination, but I guess times have changed. Don’t worry Cammy; I’m sure you’ll get a nomination next year for Annie.

The entire list of nominees is after the jump!

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What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash