That Gum In Brit Brit’s Mouth Is Really What Makes This Look Elegant

Seen above serving up “socially awkward 10-year-old who grew up in a cult her entire life and was forced to smile on picture day at her first day of public school after the compound she lived on was shut down by the feds and her parents were arrested” realness, Brit Brit was probably one of the biggest stars at the completely scripted and useless People’s Choice, I mean Publicist’s Choice Awards last night. Being around humans makes Brit Brit more nervous than when Daddy Spears tells her that she best eat the green beans part of her Hungry-Man Meal, but she agreed to show up and accept the bought-and-paid for award after he promised to buy her a BurritoBox nightstand if she did. Well, Brit Brit’s hamburger bed is about to get a burrito-making neighbor, because she fulfilled her end of the deal by putting on a purdy smile while posing with that crystal butt plug trophy.

As much as I’m happy that Brit Brit’s weave doesn’t look like a pack of bleached ferrets fighting for once, I’ve got the sads at her not posing with Justin Timberlake. JT and Brit Brit were in the same building and they couldn’t recreate one of the most glamorous moments in history by putting on their matching jean outfits and posing together for old time’s sake? Couldn’t Daddy Spears promise to buy Brit Brit a bidet that shoots out Frapps if she did that? It’s what the world needs now.

Here’s Brit Brit using the 20 words she knows (including AWESOME and COOL) to accept her award.

When she walks up those stairs, she looks like she just finished being the pass-around-bottom at an orgy and the numbing lube she smeared on her asshole is starting to wear off. I feel your pain, Brit. (Yeah, I wish.)

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Justin Timberlake Took His People’s Choice Awards On A Romantic Date To Taco Bell

YAAASSSS!!! Taco Bell is finally getting the A-list respect it deserves! Nothing says ‘Congratulations’ like the reward of 2 Doritos Locos tacos, nachos supreme, and a 24oz Mountain Dew Baja Blast, and apparently Justin Timberlake agrees. After taking home 3 People’s Choice Awards last night, Justin decided to celebrate his winnings in the same way I celebrate my cellphone company turning my phone back on by taking the party to Taco Bell and posting a picture to Instagram.

Now, we all know that Justin’s b-hole is probably too precious for the asshole-tearing that is Taco Bell Meat-Style Filling™, so I don’t believe for a damn minute that he ate anything from Taco Bell besides a Diet Pepsi and a packet of mild Border Sauce. I doubt he’s built up the  tolerance needed to handle Taco Bell without shitting your pants. I mean, I have, but my training involved eating it at least once a week for a year. I could walk into a Taco Bell in the middle of Kansas (where they pronounce it tay-koes), watch them assemble my food with items pulled from a box labeled with a question mark, and not spend a moment on the toilet. I believe that’s called ‘living the dream’.

Regardless, Justin seemed to have a good time riding high off taco farts and freedom at Taco Bell, since he left his boring-ass bowl of Cream of Wheat wife, Jessica Biel, at home; but he was kind enough to acknowledge her during his acceptance speech:

“I’d like to thank all the fans who voted. I’ll take it — people’s champ, I love it. And I’d like to thank my beautiful wife for teaching me patience and the little things like just putting the dishes in the dish washer. It goes a long way — fellas, you’re welcome!”

Isn’t it cute when rich people act like they know what a dishwasher is? As if they don’t have a disgruntled Eastern European housekeeper who silently curses in Polish under her breath every time she finds a 3-day old bowl of Lucky Charms in the den. I bet JT hasn’t loaded a dishwasher since his ‘N Sync days, and even then, something tells me Chris Kirkpatrick was the dishwasher if the group (he had to do something, right?)

(Pics via Instagram, Splash)

Lea Michele Dedicates Her Teen Choice Award To Cory Monteith

Lea Michele won Best Actress in a Comedy at the Teen Choice Awards yesterday and while accepting her surfboard trophy, she thanked Glee’s fans for hugging her heart and she said a few nice words about her boyfriend and co-star Cory Monteith, who died of an alcohol and heroin overdose about four weeks ago. While Kevin McHale honored Mickey Mouse and Justin Bieber by wearing black shorts with black tights (that look is not okay), Lea honored Cory by saying:

“Thank you, guys. Thank you. I just wanted to be here today to personally thank all of you and tell everyone out there how much all of your love and support has meant to me over these very past difficult few weeks. Thank you. Not that I had any doubt before, but you guys are most certainly the greatest fans in the world. And I wanted to dedicate this award to Cory. For all of you out there who loved and admired Cory as much as I did, I promise that with your love we’re gonna get through this together. He was very special to me, and also to the world. And we were very lucky to witness his incredible talent, his handsome smile and his beautiful, beautiful heart. So whether you knew him personally or just as Finn Hudson, Cory reached out, and he became a part of all of our hearts and that’s where he’ll stay forever. So thank you guys so much. Thank you.”

And here’s the video of Lea’s speech:

I always get the Teen Choice Awards confused with the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. I guess teens and kids are totally different and they each get their own choices. So while I was watching this, I kept thinking to myself, “Oh God, they’re totally going to slime her at the end.”

Pics: Wenn.com

Did Neil Patrick Harris Drop The N-Word During The Opening Number At The Tonys? (UPDATE)

TMZ, Radar and the Daily Mail all think that the n-word dribbled out of Neil Patrick Harris’ mouth while he was singing and dancing next to Mike Tyson during the Tony Awards huge opening number last night. My brain is barely caffeinated and so I’m having a hard time trying to wrap it around this mess. Doogie Howser saying the n-word…. next to a dancing Mike Tyson… at the Tony Awards…. in 2013. It’s way too early to try process all of that.

The Daily Mail says that at around the 3:23 mark Neil Patrick Harris sings, “We’re going bigger and is I his nigga.” That lyric doesn’t even really make sense. Wouldn’t Mike Tyson gnaw NPH’s ear off if he really did say the n word? Mike probably didn’t even hear it, because his ears probably don’t work too well and he’s on a permanent 10 second delay.

I think NPH’s trying to sing “and the night is bigger” but he flubs it and night and bigger become one word. I think. Well, I guess we’ll all know what he really said if we find out later that Lisa Lampanelli wrote the opening number and Mel Gibson produced it.

UPDATE: NPH denied it on Twitter by tweeting, “Really, Daily Mail?!? The N-word? That’s your story?!? I would NEVER be so disrespectful and frankly, neither should you.” And now, Mel Gibson is unpacking his bags, because he thought that Neil Patrick Harris was trying to lure him to Broadway by using the n-word in the Tonys opening number.

Here’s another musical number from last night’s Tonys which featured Broadway stars Andrew Rannells, Megan Hilty and Laura Benanti sad singing about their canceled TV shows. The n-word was not dropped during this number.

And here’s a few pictures from some of the tricks and tramps who either won, were nominated, presented or only showed up for the open bar. None of them said the n-word in front of a microphone last night that I know of. In order after NPH and David Burtka: ScarJo, Martha Plimpton, Judith Light, Alan Cumming, Holland Taylor, Andrea Martin, Jesse Tyler Ferguson with his fiancé Justin Mikita, BROWS, Bernadette Peters, Angela Bassett with Courtney B. Vance, Cyndi Lauper, Debra MESSing, Laura Benanti, Krysta Rodriguez, Tom Hanks with Rita Wilson, Jane Krakowski, Mike Tyson with Lakiha Spicer, Condola Rashad, Anna Kendrick, an Amish hipster with Sienna Miller, Jake Gyllenhaal, Matthew Morrison with his piece, Megan Hilty with her piece, Laura Osnes, Jane Lynch, Sigourney Weaver and Audra McDonald.

Ke$ha’s Nalgas Made An Appearance At The Billboard Music Awards

The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, “Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?” And that’s because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.

The Garbage Pail Kids’ favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I’m sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.

And here’s some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell’s favorite couple, Hell’s second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber’s former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa. 

Snooki Looked As Natural And Fresh As Ever At The MTV Movie Awards

If Mushu from Mulan shoved two stress balls in his cheeks, dipped himself in melted wax,taped two rubber tarantulas onto his eyelids, glued white Chiclets over his teeth, squeezed himself into a clearance rack gown from Windsor Fashions and put on a polyester wig that weighs more than him, he’d look exactly like Snooki at last night’s MTV Movie Awards.

Snooki says that she lost a whole lot of chunk, but it looks more like all of her body fat went straight up to her head and weave. Bitch looks like a bobblehead doll of Miss Midget South America 1989 (please tell me such a pageant exists). Ho is giving us some “Oompa Loompa in Kardashian drag” glamour.

And here’s a few other tricks and tramps from last night’s show. In order: Snooki, a rubber Thundercats action figure in a dress, Eddie Redmayne, the last place loser in a Steve Nicks look-alike contest sponsored by Hot Topic, Macklemore with Ryan Lewis, RUUUUU!, Selena Gomez (wearing one of Charo’s old costumes), Zachary Quinto, Zoe Saldana, Kerry Washington and a bloated and constipated alien.