We’re only four months into America’s highest rated reality TV show, “What The Entire Fuck?!,” where president Donald Trump straps on his finest wig every day to speak fluent gibberish and insult everyone, while his wife Melania desperately tries to find ways to get herself deported so she doesn’t have to be the First Lady anymore. Back in 2005 when the two of them got married, I’m sure she thought to herself, “Yaaaass!! A bitch about to get PAID!!!”

Slow down there melty-face. Because now, twelve years later, you’re in the middle of one of the biggest shit storms of modern history. And we all know you’re not here for any of it.

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This story is going to be a real emotional roller coaster for any of the following: people who cry at sad stories, people who cry at happy stories, people who cry seeing pictures of smiling babies, people who cry when they see Jimmy Kimmel cry.

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When the brave survivors of the Lord of the Fyre Flies Festival got off the plane from the Bahamas in Florida, I’m sure they walked into a crowd of thirsty lawyers handing them business cards. Someone suing the tricks behind the Fyre Festival was as inevitable as a musical festival headlined by blink-182 and organized by Ja Rule turning out to be a massive diarrhea puddle of a mess. One Fyre ’17 survivor wasted no time in filing a lawsuit and he wants others to join him.

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If Erin Moran’s brother is telling the truth, then in that picture above, she may be thinking to herself, “I wish I could get on something like that instead of getting on Chachi’s baby carrot cock,” while staring at hot dogs on the craft service table.

Somewhere in heaven last night, Erin Moran grabbed a bag of popcorn and sat in the front row to watch her brother read a motherfucker like the climax in a Jackie Collins novel. I think that Scott Baio might technically be a flatworm now because Erin’s older brother, Tony Moran, tore him several new assholes. Tony went after Scott on Facebook and Twitter for publicly bringing up the rumor that Erin died of a heroin overdose and also mouth shitting out a river of sanctimonious diarrhea about booze, drugs and addicts. When the Coroner’s Office announced that Erin most likely died of stage 4 cancer complications, Scott whined about how the media is making him out to be the fuck fart he is and also said that he would’ve never said what he said if he knew she had a terminal disease. Tony Moran has taken Scott’s apology, rolled it up, handed it back to him and told himself to dry fuck himself with it.

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Amy Schumer gets a lot of flack from all segments of the population for being shrill and annoying, thinking she’s funnier than she is, allegedly being a klepto for jokes, acting as an enabler for Lena Dunham’s privilege, pissing off comedy treasure Tig Notaro, wearing things like this, coming dangerously close to foisting a Barbie movie on us, and so on.

But, like the rest of us, Amy is multi-faceted. And one of those facets is that she’s so grateful for being allowed to piss, that she spends thousands of dollars on a stranger. A mattress store employee let Amy use of the store’s bathroom, so Amy bought her a $2,000 mattress. I hope she didn’t ask to use the mattress store employee’s discount to buy that mattress, because that would render this gesture a little tacky.

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The sparkly cloud-topped Pixy Stix that is Richard Simmons hardly ever speaks directly to his loyal disciples ever since he retired from the spotlight, but today, he left a message for his fans on his Facebook page. Richard very briefly responded to the podcast Richard Simmons Is Missing and mostly thanked everyone for praying to their Santo Simmons candle while he’s laid up in the hospital.

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