Hot Slut Of The Day!
Chroma Key Grandma!
Sequels to James Cameron’s giant CGI 3D bukkake extravaganza, Avatar, have been pushed off until the end of eternity (at least), because he says they’re going to do 4 movies back-to-back and it’s a gigantic undertaking. Pfft! What an amateur! 20th Century Fox should immediately replace James Cameron’s slow ass with this memaw from Russia who can easily bang out an Avatar sequel that is filled with both technological wonder and riveting storytelling.
Katy Perry Looks For Hot Pictures Of Herself When She Wants To Feel Better About Herself
Whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror after a Taco Bell bender looking like Shrek’s long-lost twin sister, I usually tackle it head-on by saying “fuck it” and eat more garbage. Embrace that swamp ogre life, you know? Luckily Katy Perry is famous, which means that when she feels ugly, she can look up hot pictures of herself on the internet.
On April Fools’ Day, Katy Instagrammed an 18-year-old messed-up picture of herself and joked it was her album cover. A few days later, she posted a couple pics of herself getting a jaw massage. No, it wasn’t the kind of “jaw massage” that violates Instagram’s community guidelines. Katy’s face looked busted in that pic too. It chipped away at Katy’s self-esteem, so she remedied it by posting this:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BSfsrHujog7/?taken-by=katyperry&hl=en
When Katy searches for hot pics of herself, it’s hard for her to lose. Google will unload hundreds of hot pics for her to choose from, and all of them are already Photoshopped. I just think she better be a bit careful. She got lucky this time. She searched “Katy Perry hot” and she got a hot picture. But one of these days, Google is going to pull one over on her and slip in an unflattering paparazzi pic of her sweating her ass off on a beach somewhere.
Pic: Wenn.com
Chris Evans Reunited With His “Favorite Human” Jenny Slate Yesterday
Last night was the Los Angeles premiere of Gifted, the movie where recent exes Jenny Slate and Chris Evans met each other (and then subsequently got together after she gave her husband walking papers). Most exes would probably rather fake diarrhea than pose and smile next to an ex, but not Jenny and Chris. Jenny and Chris love each other so much. They have nothing but cavity-triggering sweetness to say about each other. And Chris is still saying nice things about Jenny. Chris recently told USA Today that you can’t find “something bad to say about her.” No no, we know that Chris – you’ve proved that already.
Jenny and Chris may look awkward and uncomfortable in that picture above, but I’m sure that’s just because they’re reacting to a reporter that dared them to say something not-nice about each other. That wasn’t the case all night. Eventually they looked more than happy to see each other.
chris evans and jenny slate at the gifted premiere just killed what was left of my soul. pic.twitter.com/H4PWy0LoO4
— Anna Menta (@annalikestweets) April 5, 2017
So much smiling! They look like they belong on a box of Kashi Good Friends cereal. But for all that smiling, they got lazy where it counts. I’m talking about their outfits. It’s not enough that you say you’re still great friends, you’ve got to show us you’re great friends. If Jenny and Chris are as great of friends as they claim they are, then it’s insane to me that they didn’t oversell it on the red carpet. No matching his and hers I’m With THE BEST t-shirts? No gold-plated broken heart BFF necklaces? I’m just so disappointed in their commitment to a post-dating friendship.
Pics: Wenn.com
Open Post: Hosted By The Shit-Throwing Chimpanzee Who Got Grandma
I don’t think chimps, or any other animal, love it when humans stare and shout at ’em while they’re trapped in the zoo, but a chimp at the John Ball Zoo in Grand Rapids, MI really wasn’t loving it and let the people know by doing what angry chimps do sometimes. The chimp turned into an expert caca sniper and launched a shit ball at the people. That chimp made a granny shot and I mean that in more ways than one.
The visitors thought that the move the chimp was doing was a little cutesy dance for them and didn’t realize he was upset until he threw poop at them. The shit landed right on grandma and turned her into Poonocchio. Grandma ended up with a Paris Hilton nose made of chimp caca. I guess this is one way to get justice for Harambe.
Poor memaw, I bet she didn’t even want to go to the stupid zoo. She wanted to stay home and watch her stories, and now the sight of her working a shit schnoz is all over the internet thanks to her grandchildren. I bet that as they all laughed, abuelita rage filled her veins and she eventually reached for her chancleta. Granny didn’t want to jump into that enclosure and go after the shit launcher, she wanted to use her chancleta on her damn family for bringing her there in the first place!
Pic: YouTube
“Ghost In The Shell” Is The Latest Whitewashed Turd To Flop
Ghost in the Shell made a grand total of $19 million at the domestic box office this past weekend and that’s almost enough to cover the movie’s wig budget. What am I saying? That busted and raggedy “Moe Howard with two weave pieces taped to its sides” wig didn’t even cost $19. Ghost in the Shell, which cost $110 million to make, came in third behind The Boss Baby, which isn’t a Donald Trump biopic, ($49 million) and Beauty and the Beast ($47.5 million). Yeah, Ghost in the Shell got its ass beat bad by a yodeling CGI buffalo and a bossy computer animated baby in a teeny tiny Men’s Wearhouse suit.
Val Kilmer Doesn’t Understand Why His Cate Blanchett Love Came Off As Creepy
Over the weekend, some people got the image of Val Kilmer spooning with his Lady Tremaine Disney doll while lying on a bedspread covered with Cate Blanchett’s face in a room wallpapered with pictures of her. Val sang from the top of Twitter about his undying love for Cate Blanchett and admitted that he once flew all the way to Australia to talk to her but got her husband instead. He also said that he has dreams of Cate, dreams that don’t involve her husband. Some think that Val’s love for Cate is like the song You’re Beautiful and he’s James Blunt and she’s the subway chick.