Long gone are the days when Tom Cruise would parade Suri Cruise in front of the paps for a touching father and daughter photo-op. Ever since Katie Holmes grabbed Suri and RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN from those crazy messes, Tommy Girl hasn’t seen his daughter much and TMZ says that it’s been nearly a year since they’ve seen each other’s faces live and in person. TMZ, you in danger, girl. Tommy’s lawyers at The Law Offices of the Lollipop Guild sued the publishers of Life & Style for saying that he abandoned Suri, so he could challenge TMZ to a legal tussle. I’ll hold your fanny pack, Harvey.

TMZ says that Tommy was busy shooting Mission Impossible 5 in London so he wasn’t able to visit Suri for months. But when he got 2 weeks off after shooting, he still didn’t visit his 8-year-old daughter. A source close to Katie Holmes says that nearly 12 months have gone by since Tommy and Suri have spent any time together. Any trick without a brainwashed brain would guess that Tommy is now allergic to Suri and Katie, because those two have been stamped with the “Suppressive Person” label by Scientology. Scientology told TMZ that wasn’t true and that neither Suri nor Katie have been labeled SPs by them. Well, if Scientology says it isn’t true, it must not be true. They are the eptiome of truthery. Please, if they called me a dumb bitch and showed me Dlisted post after Dlisted post, proving my dumbassness, I still wouldn’t believe them.

Even though Tommy hasn’t spent time with Suri, he spent time with his son Connor at a NCAA Women’s Final Four game in Tampa the other night.

I see Katie’s people trying to stir shit up again! Why won’t they leave poor Little Lord Tommy Girl alone? It’s hard being the Prince of Scientology. He has a lot on his shoulders (hundreds of pounds of Thetans, David Miscavige’s legs, etc…). He has to spend his off time searching the land for a new wife to brainwash into giving him another Scientology chosen one since Katie Holmes rudely took his away. Besides, I’m sure he talks to Suri every night through the Spencer’s Gifts cube lamp he bought her.

I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:

“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”

I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.

I know, I really missed an opportunity to Photoshop two massage therapist peens into his paws. Next time.

In the HBO Scientology documentary Going Clear, a chunk of time was spent with Spanky Taylor, the former brainwashed disciple of the Church of L. Ro who was John Travolta’s “handler” and escaped after the head bridge queens punished her by separating her from her baby daughter and by forcing her to do 30 hours of labor at a time. Spanky claims that John knew she was being abused, but stood by with a plastic smile on his face and a plastic wig on his head and did nothing about it. Going Clear also claimed that John Travolta is trapped in a prison of his own secrets. Scientology has a file of “dirt” on their sweetheart, which they gathered during his auditing sessions. If he even thinks about packing up his wigs and leaving that cult of crazy bitches, they will expose his most ESCANDALOSO secrets. I’m not sure what these life-ruining secrets are, because if they told us that he wears fake hair and gets the tingles for warm dick, none of us would even bother letting out a, “meh.” The only things to side-eye him for are for being a Scientologist and for wearing jewelry from an International Male catalog circa 1996.

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Is that including her concrete-looking patio stone titties? Because those look like they weigh at least 10-12lbs. (I once worked in a garden center, I know these things). Former Housewife turned failed talk show host turned Housewife again Bethenny Frankel was recently asked about her weight on the Today show, because I guess asking her about her long-lost twin brother The Joker was off limits. Anyway, the skinny bitch who started a company called Skinnygirl wants you to know (or maybe her team of personality coaches wants you to know?) that despite sometimes looking like the real life version of Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, she’s not too skinny.

“Sometimes I do agree that I look too thin, especially when I’m tired, especially when I’m haggard. I do eat. There are nutritionists that comment that I don’t even weigh a hundred pounds — I weigh 115 pounds. I’ll be happy to get on the Today show scale!”.

Meanwhile, the Today show scale is like “You know I’m a real scale right? You should probably think this through.”

A quick glance at the internet tells me that Bethenny Frankel is 5 foot 5 inches, and I have no idea if 115 lbs. is the right weight for a 5 foot 5 inch tall person, since I can neither remember the last time I was 5″5 or 115lbs. But I would think that seems relatively normal for someone who, I’m assuming, burns 10,000 calories a day being a hard-core attention humper.

Here’s all 115 lbs of Bethenny strutting out of the Today show yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Because a check truly is a check and weekly crates of Botox don’t come cheap, Her Majesty (copyright: Julia Roberts) Nicole Kidman recently started shilling for Middle Eastern airline Etihad Airways. Unfortunately, The Hollywood Reporter says that in doing so, she’s pissed off a thing called the APFA – the Association of Professional Flight Attendants.

According to the APFA, working for Etihad sucks; they claim that Etihad has fired flight attendants for getting knocked up and forces them to live in confined compounds. So once the APFA discovered that Nicole Kidman was click-clacking for Etihad, they sent out a statement swatting at her for accepting money from an airline that sort of sounds like the Scientology of the sky.

In response, Etihad hissed back that they have a ton of job applications from people who want to be Etihad flight attendants, and added “Our commitment to the welfare, safety and well-being of the diverse group of men and women who have worked so hard to make Etihad Airways great is one of our airline’s top priorities.” A rep for Nicole Kidman didn’t say shit.

If I’ve learned anything in this life, which is very little because most of my brain cells are busy remembering old episodes of Mama’s Family, it’s that you do NOT piss off your flight attendant. Just ask Heather Cho! Besides, why would you want to get in bad with the good people who bring you nuts and booze?

Here’s Nicole hustling for Etihad last month in the UAE, as well as more of Nicole looking like the definition of “This ice isn’t cold enough. I want to speak to your supervisor. Well, then I want to speak to the pilot.”

Pics: Splash

After seeing a close-up of the Olestra molecule, the reason it caused anal leakage is obvious. – SottoVoce

Upvote winner:

Why no one wants to be a bridesmaid at Gaga’s wedding. – FluffKitteh

Pic: Cheezburger