Nicole Kidman is truly having the greatest week. First, she temporarily replaced Heather Cho as a flight attendant’s worst enemy and now she is joining the joining the likes of Tori Spelling, Melissa Gilbert, Meredith Baxter-Birney, Lindsay Lohan, Kellie Martin and Valerie Bertinelli as a Lifetime Movie Queen!

I really thought that Grace of Monaco starring the reanimated vintage Barbie doll as Grace Kelly already came out. I thought it debuted in the $2 theaters before being sent to Netflix three days later, but nope. It opened the Cannes Film Festival last year and it was supposed to come out a few months later in the US, but Harvey Weinstein, whose company helped produce it, pulled it from the schedule and the movie’s director shit on him in the media for fucking with the editing process. It later came out in Europe and Australia. Harvey said at Sundance this year that changes to the original script made by the director are the main reasons why he didn’t want to release it into US theaters. In other words, it’s a Botoxed turkey.

Well, it’s finally getting released, but it’s skipping the theaters, Red Box, Netflix, iTunes, HBO, Starz Cinema and even the 2 for 1 bin at a strip mall DVD store’s going out of business sale. It’s saying “fuck it” and going straight to basic cable. Deadline says that Grace of Monaco will have its grand US premiere on Lifetime, television for messes, on May 25th at 8pm. There are several cuts making the rounds on the Internet, so who knows which cut makes it to Lifetime.

Nicole Kidman’s nose just rose higher than usual, because she’s now standing at the peak of Hollywood and staring down at the lessers like Cate Blanchett and Jessica Chastain. Nicole has joined the elite. She should retire now, because it doesn’t get better than a Lifetime movie. And really, once Grace of Monaco sweeps the Emmys, someone should make a movie about the making of this movie, because it sounds like that’s where the real cunt drama is. The movie’s screenwriter tweeted this beautiful shade today:

I'm just glad the director's vision found its rightful home.

— Arash Amel (@arashamel) April 7, 2015

Sad news for those of you who have spent the past four months on your knees praying to St. Hollywood that Idris Elba would be chosen as the next James Bond, because according to Idris Elba, it’s probably not going to happen. And the reason it’s not going to happen is because we wanted it too much. Originally, Idris Elba was laughing off the rumor, but during a conversation with London’s British Film Institute (via THR) yesterday, he made it clear that we’ve got a better chance of seeing a Kardashian with a deflated ass than seeing Idris Elba as Bond:

“Honestly, it’s a rumor that’s really starting to eat itself. If there was ever any chance of me getting Bond, it’s gone.”

No! Say it ain’t so, Luther! Unless I hear it from Mr. Bond himself (I don’t know anything about James Bond, but that sounds sort of right to me), I refuse to believe the dream is dead. I don’t want to live in a world that would deny us the chance to see Idris Elba stroll out of the ocean in a pair of junk-hugging short shorts or lighting panties on fire with the sight of him in a red diaper and thigh-high boots. Yes, I know that’s Zardoz, but my mind chooses to believe that just like former James Bond Sean Connery, Idris Elba would also choose to follow up his role as 007 with some sexy sci-fi future fuckery. Is it too much to ask for a half-naked Idris Elba? Just let me have this Hollywood! Come on, I saw The World Is Not Enough twice – I think I deserve this.

An almost 8-minute-long video of panda porn exists and yet there’s no video of Marilyn Manson getting fisted in the face at a Denny’s in Canada? I’d even take it in portrait mode. We have got to do better, humanity.

On Sunday morning in Lethbridge, Alberta, Marilyn Manson got a serving of Denny’s signature dish, pure fuckery, when he got punched in the face. Of course, everyone involved in this Rooty Tooty mess has a different story. One source tells TMZ that after performing at a show, the South Park goth kid trapped in the body of a Knott’s Scary Farm character strolled into Lenny’s, I mean Denny’s, at around 2am and for some reason got into a fight of words with people at a table. The source says that Marilyn called one of the chicks at the table a “bitch” and her boyfriend responded by doing what life has done a long time ago: punched MM in the face. But Marilyn’s manager has a totally different story…

Marilyn’s manager tells TMZ that he is an innocent angel in all of this and he did nothing wrong. Marilyn claims that he was enjoying his pancakes when two chicks came up to him and asked for a picture. Marilyn says he played nice, took pictures with the chicks and never called one of them a bitch. But for some reason, a guy flew out of nowhere and punched the white Halloween Town vampire makeup right off of Marilyn’s face before elbowing his makeup artist in the head. The puncher screamed about blowing up Marilyn’s next concert as Marilyn’s bodyguard (yes, he has one of those) dragged the crazy dude away.

The cops know about this Fists Over My Hammy fight, but no charges were filed and the case is closed. It’s closed for the cops, but it’s not closed for Marilyn. He and his makeup artist plan to go back to Lethbridge to press charges against the sucker puncher.

I take back everything I’ve said in the past about Marilyn Manson being as edgy as a bunny in a bow tie backpack. MM earned all the edgy points when he got punched out at a Denny’s in Alberta after midnight. It doesn’t get more hardcore than that. But then again, if you go to almost any Denny’s after midnight, there’s a very good chance you’ll leave with a busted gut from eating that shit and a busted face from getting punched out by a drunk bitch.

If there was video of this, it might be my new favorite Denny’s fight video, but since there isn’t, that title still belongs to the classic “Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me” brawl. There are a million Denny’s fight videos on YouTube, but this one has everything: drama, theatrics and dialogue that sounds like Chekhov wrote it:

That’s pretty much the same face I gave my doctor when she not-so-subtly suggested I cut back on my Dorito intake (NEVAH!!!).

Shameless food enthusiast and face-stuffing hero Candice Bergen is back once again to give us her thoughts on food. Of course, Candice could have saved herself some time and just shouted “IT’S DELICIOUS, THE END“, but Murphy Brown is far more eloquent than that. During an appearance on the Today show to pimp out her memoirs, A Fine Romance, semi-professional creep Matt Lauer asked Candice about the comments she’d made about not giving in to rich lady peer pressure by eating only low-calorie air and fat free water. That’s when Candice took aim at all the Goopy Paltrow types whose upper buttholes are still trying to process the single slice of organic kale casserole they ate last week by saying:

“It was a scant reference on page 150 or something. I was just saying, I don’t enjoy eating lunch with some women who only have kale. I just find it limiting. I’d rather not go on, if that’s what I have to eat to fuel myself.”

Somewhere, a giant plate of pasta carbonara just shed a single tear of pure joy.

I think I get what Candice is saying. Kale is delicious, but too much is no bueno. I used to work with this dude who ate kale every day for lunch. Just kale. No dressing, no Craisins, no nothing – just a giant container of kale. And of course, he loved talking about how good his body was because of it. He later got a major case of the kidney stones and had to take a week off work to piss them all out. And I’m sure the giant bundle of kale in his fridge was laughing at him the whole time. Kale can be a real jerk like that.

Gwyneth is wasting no time putting Hustler’s “art” back on the street where it belongs. – HiRollan

Upvote winner:

Ho-ga. – Tarot

Pic: Instagram

INOJ, American singer, songwriter and the whisper chanteuse of the late 90s!

Sometimes when I want to pretend it’s the late 90s again, I put on Old Navy khaki cargo pants and work on an old gumdrop iMac connected to AOL dial-up while listening to one of the 90s Apple radio stations. No, but I do listen to the 90s Apple radio stations and the other day they took me back to a gym full of high schoolers freak dancing while wearing tube tops and pleather pants when they played INOJ’S “Love You Down.” INOJ (born name: Ayanna Porter) still writes for other artists and puts out songs today, but those of us who were around in the 90s probably know her best for her cover of “Time After Time” and her cover of Ready for the World’s “Love You Down.”

“Love You Down” was a semi-hit in the US, but it was a major hit at my high school. They played that shit during lunch on a loop and I remember thinking to myself, “The HELL is she singing? Sing out, Louise!” She almost sounded like a stoned baby talking in her sleep. Not only was INOJ’s voice demure and modest, but so was her fashion sense. While many pop tricks of the 90s were showing their asses and chichis, INOJ kept it demure and modest in church outfits your auntie bought at Merry Go Round and Casual Corner. Get into INOJ stalking her crush while caressing her face behind a tree:

You know what else is going to take all night? Trying to figure out what she’s saying, because I can’t hear her. But you know, that’s her charm and what made her the whispering modest songstress queen of the late 90s!