Today In DUH: John Travolta Hasn’t Watched Going Clear

April 7, 2015 / Posted by:

I know, I really missed an opportunity to Photoshop two massage therapist peens into his paws. Next time.

In the HBO Scientology documentary Going Clear, a chunk of time was spent with Spanky Taylor, the former brainwashed disciple of the Church of L. Ro who was John Travolta’shandler” and escaped after the head bridge queens punished her by separating her from her baby daughter and by forcing her to do 30 hours of labor at a time. Spanky claims that John knew she was being abused, but stood by with a plastic smile on his face and a plastic wig on his head and did nothing about it. Going Clear also claimed that John Travolta is trapped in a prison of his own secrets. Scientology has a file of “dirt” on their sweetheart, which they gathered during his auditing sessions. If he even thinks about packing up his wigs and leaving that cult of crazy bitches, they will expose his most ESCANDALOSO secrets. I’m not sure what these life-ruining secrets are, because if they told us that he wears fake hair and gets the tingles for warm dick, none of us would even bother letting out a, “meh.” The only things to side-eye him for are for being a Scientologist and for wearing jewelry from an International Male catalog circa 1996.

John Travolta is in deep, so of course he’s going to shit on Going Clear and of course he’s going to publicly lather up L. Ron Hubbard’s asshole. Bitch wouldn’t even watch Going Clear if it was projected on the crotch of a hot piece he met at Planet Fitness at 3am. But the Tampa Bay Times¬†decided to ask him about Going Clear anyway during a telephone interview about his new movie The Forger. John said that he hasn’t seen Going Clear and he’s not going to change that anytime soon. He has zero things to say about the abuse allegations, because he has never experienced shit like that. John continued to stay on script as¬†David Miscavige stood over him while holding a torch in one hand and his favorite wig in the other.

“I haven’t experienced anything that the hearsay has (claimed), so why would I communicate something that wasn’t true for me? It wouldn’t make sense, nor would it for Tom, I imagine. (Going Clear is a product of) people who were disgruntled with their experiences. (Scientology) has been nothing but brilliant for me.

I’ve been so happy with my (Scientology) experience in the last 40 years that I really don’t have anything to say that would shed light on (a documentary) so decidedly negative. I’ve been brought through storms that were insurmountable, and (Scientology has) been so beautiful for me, that I can’t even imagine attacking it. I’ve helped so many people through hard times. Loss of children, loved ones, physical illnesses. Through many tough, tough life situations I’ve used the technology to support them and help them. It’s always worked. So, why would I even approach a negative perspective? That would be a crime to me, personally, to do that.”

He isn’t lying. It would be a crime for him to watch Going Clear and talk shit about Scientology. They’d handcuff his jazz hands and make him polish the bottom of Tommy Girl’s heels with his tongue. I’m sure that Scientology is really, really good to John Travolta. Bitch pays enough for it in more ways than one. I bet that David Mascavige was even kind enough to warm his hand and arm before sticking them up John Travolta’s ass to move his lips for him during this interview.

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