You know that exactly 0.3 seconds after that headline was released to the world, all four Jacksons in the picture above received a “Hey, what’s up?” text from cash-sniffing bloodhound Jermaine Jackson.

Last year it was reported that Michael Jackson’s Estate has made $2 billion since moonwalking his way up to Heaven back in 2009. Now TMZ is saying we can go ahead and change that number to “nearly $3 billion.” Sony has recently announced that they’re buying Michael Jackson’s share of Sony/ATV Music Publishing for $750 million. Since MJ is dead, all the money goes to his estate, which benefits his children, Prince, Paris, and Blanket Jackson, and his momma, Katherine Jackson.

The reason for that huge-ass payout is because Michael Jackson owned 50% of Sony/ATV. That’s also where that whole “Michael Jackson owns The Beatles’ music catalog” thing came from. Not only did MJ make money off The Beatles, but he also owned 50% of the publishing rights to many other famous songs, including “New York, New York“, “Moon River“, “Jailhouse Rock“, and the Mission: Impossible theme. Sony/ATV has gone on to become the largest music publishing company in the world, so it makes sense that they wouldn’t want to keep handing over half of their profits to a person who has been dead for almost 7 years.

Along with a $750 million check, Michael Jackson’s estate will also get to keep all the songs he wrote and a bunch of others that he purchased while he was still alive.

Obviously at least a third of that money should be reinvested into La Toya Jackson’s…whatever she wants it for, really (don’t ask questions). But whatever is left over should be used to spend as they wish. Since Sony/ATV just turned the Jackson kids from “fucking super rich” to “really fucking super rich“, I think they should use some of that cash to change their names to reflect that. Prince Michael should change his to King, Paris can upgrade to France, and Blanket can now go by Cashmere Throw.

Pic: Splash

Last week, we all said, “Damn, FX’s marketing department doesn’t fuck around,” when the LAPD announced that they were doing tests on a rusty knife that was allegedly found buried on O.J. Simpson’s old property in Brentwood. The story went that a construction worker found it years ago and brought it to an off-duty traffic cop who was working private security on a film set across the street. The off-duty cop, who is now retired, claims he called it into the LAPD, but a supervisor blew it off. The off-duty cop held onto it for years and when he recently told a friend in the LAPD’s Robbery and Homicide Division about it, the friend’s supervisors made him hand that shit over. The knife is reportedly covered in rust. When The Juice found out about it, he apparently said, “If the knife is rusted, I can’t be busted.” Get it? The asshole was right.

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When Kim Kardashian decided to channel her inner-Kanye and clap back at the naked-rubber-body-selfie haters on Twitter last week, she specifically went after three famous people: Piers Morgan, Bette Midler, and Chloe Grace Moretz. Piers was an obvious choice, since he loves getting into Twitter fights over boobies. Bette Midler was a bad choice, since I’m pretty sure it’s a federal crime to come for The Divine Miss M.

But the easiest decision Kim made was to come for the person who wasn’t exactly joking when they implied that she needs to put some clothes on, which was Chloe Grace Moretz. However, Chloe Grace Moretz is a little surprised that her tweet to Kim about women being more than their bodies was taken as shots fired. Chloe recently spoke to Elle and admitted that she definitely wasn’t trying to “slut shame” Kim. So if Kim thinks she was, that’s on Kim.

“All I’ll say is that I think a lot of things can be misconstrued in a lot of ways. And I think if people open their minds more, and they try to look deeper into something than just something that is a very big, hot, fiery button to hide behind…I think if people looked into something bigger that I was trying to speak upon, they wouldn’t be so easy to fire back silly, miscellaneous things.”

She also had some advice for the young women who are seriously considering taking a night school class to learn how to Photoshop their bodies into an emaciated peanut shape for their Instagram pictures.

“Depict yourself adequately as what you want to be seen as. Don’t front, don’t put something out there that you feel isn’t realistic and doesn’t portray who you are. Just be yourself, be you, and don’t be afraid to speak your mind.”

I hate to break it to Chloe, but that’s an awful lot of words for Kim to process. Especially since she has limited time for reading every day, and it’s usually reserved for reading the text messages her children send her via their nannies. Besides, all Kim is going to do is pick out the words that appeal to her most (probably “big” and “behind“) and mentally turn it into an ass-kissing compliment. “OMG Chloe, that’s so nice of you to say that about my butt. Thank yeeewwww.”

Pic: Splash

On February 27, every presidential candidate not named Donald Trump, threw up their hands and said, “Well, there goes that, we tried,” when the pride of Florida Aaron Carter declared in a tweet that he’s voting for the sunburnt taint goiter. When you win the ex-meth head child star majority, you win the whole bitch!  The Hillary Duff stalker and Nick Carter coattail rider talked to GQ about why Donald Trump is the only candidate for him.

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Making a duck face and covered in peckers… must be a Kardashian. – Unify Normal

Upvote winner:

This is what it sounds like when doves cry. – Neely O’Harridan

Pic: Break

Avon Wrist-Writer Bracelet, a bracelet that was also a pen!

And here’s another one to add to the 45 million mile high pile labeled “glamour that could’ve only come from the 80s.” In the early 1980s, Avon released an elegant product that worked three out of five senses. It worked your sense of smell, because it was scented. It worked your sense of sight, because its shiny glamour gently touched your eyeballs. It worked your sense of feeling, because it was made of a luxurious kind of plastic that was cool to the touch (Note: I have no idea what I’m talking about as usual). Okay, let’s just say it worked four out of the five senses, because I’m sure the ink tasted delicious. Oh hell, let’s just go all the way. It also worked your sense of hearing, because the sound of you pulling the pen out of the bracelet made you feel like a serious business woman who was about to get shit done. It worked all of your senses!

From what I found on the Internet, the Avon Wrist-Writer bracelet came in 3 different scents and colors: grape-scented purple ink, strawberry-scented red ink and chocolate mint-scented mint ink. Avon doesn’t make it anymore, but you may be able to find one on eBay or Etsy. Avon should bring it back, though, because we need it. Sure, you can use your stupid phone to take notes and get someone’s number, but does your phone fill your nostrils with the sweet scent of strawberry and decorate your wrist with 80s gorgeousness?

And because I’ve always got peen on the brain, I also want Avon to make a cock ring version of the bracelet pen.

Pics: Etsy, eBay