When Kim Kardashian decided to channel her inner-Kanye and clap back at the naked-rubber-body-selfie haters on Twitter last week, she specifically went after three famous people: Piers Morgan, Bette Midler, and Chloe Grace Moretz. Piers was an obvious choice, since he loves getting into Twitter fights over boobies. Bette Midler was a bad choice, since I’m pretty sure it’s a federal crime to come for The Divine Miss M.

But the easiest decision Kim made was to come for the person who wasn’t exactly joking when they implied that she needs to put some clothes on, which was Chloe Grace Moretz. However, Chloe Grace Moretz is a little surprised that her tweet to Kim about women being more than their bodies was taken as shots fired. Chloe recently spoke to Elle and admitted that she definitely wasn’t trying to “slut shame” Kim. So if Kim thinks she was, that’s on Kim.

“All I’ll say is that I think a lot of things can be misconstrued in a lot of ways. And I think if people open their minds more, and they try to look deeper into something than just something that is a very big, hot, fiery button to hide behind…I think if people looked into something bigger that I was trying to speak upon, they wouldn’t be so easy to fire back silly, miscellaneous things.”

She also had some advice for the young women who are seriously considering taking a night school class to learn how to Photoshop their bodies into an emaciated peanut shape for their Instagram pictures.

“Depict yourself adequately as what you want to be seen as. Don’t front, don’t put something out there that you feel isn’t realistic and doesn’t portray who you are. Just be yourself, be you, and don’t be afraid to speak your mind.”

I hate to break it to Chloe, but that’s an awful lot of words for Kim to process. Especially since she has limited time for reading every day, and it’s usually reserved for reading the text messages her children send her via their nannies. Besides, all Kim is going to do is pick out the words that appeal to her most (probably “big” and “behind“) and mentally turn it into an ass-kissing compliment. “OMG Chloe, that’s so nice of you to say that about my butt. Thank yeeewwww.”

Pic: Splash

On February 27, every presidential candidate not named Donald Trump, threw up their hands and said, “Well, there goes that, we tried,” when the pride of Florida Aaron Carter declared in a tweet that he’s voting for the sunburnt taint goiter. When you win the ex-meth head child star majority, you win the whole bitch!  The Hillary Duff stalker and Nick Carter coattail rider talked to GQ about why Donald Trump is the only candidate for him.

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Making a duck face and covered in peckers… must be a Kardashian. – Unify Normal

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This is what it sounds like when doves cry. – Neely O’Harridan

Pic: Break

Avon Wrist-Writer Bracelet, a bracelet that was also a pen!

And here’s another one to add to the 45 million mile high pile labeled “glamour that could’ve only come from the 80s.” In the early 1980s, Avon released an elegant product that worked three out of five senses. It worked your sense of smell, because it was scented. It worked your sense of sight, because its shiny glamour gently touched your eyeballs. It worked your sense of feeling, because it was made of a luxurious kind of plastic that was cool to the touch (Note: I have no idea what I’m talking about as usual). Okay, let’s just say it worked four out of the five senses, because I’m sure the ink tasted delicious. Oh hell, let’s just go all the way. It also worked your sense of hearing, because the sound of you pulling the pen out of the bracelet made you feel like a serious business woman who was about to get shit done. It worked all of your senses!

From what I found on the Internet, the Avon Wrist-Writer bracelet came in 3 different scents and colors: grape-scented purple ink, strawberry-scented red ink and chocolate mint-scented mint ink. Avon doesn’t make it anymore, but you may be able to find one on eBay or Etsy. Avon should bring it back, though, because we need it. Sure, you can use your stupid phone to take notes and get someone’s number, but does your phone fill your nostrils with the sweet scent of strawberry and decorate your wrist with 80s gorgeousness?

And because I’ve always got peen on the brain, I also want Avon to make a cock ring version of the bracelet pen.

Pics: Etsy, eBay

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The hating peasants who think the young British royals are a bunch of lazies ate their words today when Prince Hot Ginge, Duchess Kate and Prince William worked hard at the Commonwealth Observance Day service. PHG really deserves a bonus for successfully fighting the urge to turn to Duchess Kate and say, “The HELL are you wearing?”  – Lainey Gossip 

Camille Grammer won a lawsuit against the ex who allegedly attacked her – Reality Tea 

Kristen Stewart may be bumping ‘ginas with a French singer who looks like the human embodiment of the 80s section of a Goodwill – Celebitchy

And here’s Jessica Simpson and her husband Eric DontMakeMeGoogleHisLastName giving you a douche-on-deflated-blowup-doll show – Drunken Stepfather

The Mexican actress who met El Chapo with Sean Penn said that Sean Penn lied to her about the Rolling Stone interview – WWTDD

And just like that, I’ve got the tingles for Ian McShane – The Superficial 

Praise the peeno noir gods, because the new trailer for the second season of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is here – Towleroad

Forget Selena Gomez’s hard nips, what is that midriff cape poncho thing she’s wearing? – The Nip Slip 

Still pregnant: Anne Hathaway is – Popoholic

I don’t know what’s messier: The fact that Miley Cyrus and Woody Allen are actually working together or that wig on her head? – OMG Blog

Something to make your ice cold heart feel things: John Boyega visited sick children in the hospital – Popsugar

Cindy Crawford and her daughter are on the cover of Vogue Paris for some reason – Jezebel

Ashley Greene or a melting Teri Hatcher wax figure? – Hollywood Tuna

Sarah Palin’s husband is laid up in the hospital after getting messed up in a snowmobile ride gone wrong – IDLYITW

Claire from Lost had a baby – HuffPo

Pic: Getty