The Time Madonna Made Rita Ora Kneel Before Her
Seen above looking like her makeup was done by an airbrush t-shirt artist at the mall, Rita Ora told The Mirror a story that made my head spit up more question marks than yours does whenever you see the name Rita Ora.
Rita says that at the Chime For Change charity event in London in 2013, she met her royal madgesty and the first thing Madge did was tell her to bow down, bitch. Madge apparently travels with her own lighting and didn’t want Rita to block it, so she asked a trick to kneel on the floor. Now, my life rule is that the only time it’s okay to kneel for someone is if that someone has a hard dick and is waving it in front of you, but Rita got on her knees anyway, because a thing called dignity doesn’t run through her veins.
“I was once doing a charity event and I met my idol Madonna. I was waiting for her and I was shivering. And my sister said to me, ‘Are you OK? You look really crazy’. And I was like, ‘I think I am going to be sick’. And Madonna walks in with lighting all around her.
I said, ‘Hi, it is so nice to meet you’ and she was like, ‘This is the lighting here. Can you just kneel down here on the floor?’ I was like OK. So I kneeled down on the floor and we had this conversation where I was on the floor. Can you believe that? But that is Madonna and she can do whatever she wants. That was major. Everything is a learning curve.”
Rita, who was the face of Madge’s clothing line for Macy’s and did a cameo in the Bitch I’m Madonna video, says that they’re totally friends now. To which Madge said, “Who?”
What’s weird about this story is that Madge didn’t do what she normally does when she meets a pop trick: suck that life force out of that youngin’. I’m guessing that Madge knew that she wouldn’t be able to handle all of the star power and talent that Rita possesses. I’m also guessing that Madge told that trick to get on the floor, because she knew that if they stood next to each other, she would become a dehydrated piece of chopped liver next to the charismatic goddess that is Rita Ora!
Pic: Wenn.com
Open Post: Hosted By Tom Hiddleston’s Nalgas
Many Hiddlestoners in the UK probably spent a piece of their morning wrapping an ACE bandage around their tongue, because they sprained it by licking their TV screen over and over and over again last night.
Tom Hiddleston stars in a BBC miniseries called The Night Manager (it will make its way to the US in April), and on last night’s episode (SPOILER ALERT), his tiny Stottie cake butt cheeks were exposed as he humped Elizabeth Debicki against a wall. The Daily Mail posted the screen shot of Tom’s little peach coming out to play and tweets from people who wanted to smear marmalade on those buns and eat ’em up. A clip of the VERY racy fuck scene (read: it’s not very racy) and Tom’s un-pixelated ass are after the cut. It’s not even close to being the tip moistening and panty destroying scene that Charlie Hunnam’s SoA fuck scene was, but if you have it for Tom Hiddleston, then wrap the seat of your chair in Saran wrap before clicking over.
Xena And Gabrielle Are Definitely Lesbians In NBC’s Reboot Of “Xena: Warrior Princess”
Back in December, it was confirmed that NBC had decided to dig up Xena: Warrior Princess from the mid-90s TV graveyard and reboot it for a new generation to enjoy. Yes, I used the word “enjoy“; Xena may have been low-budget garbage, but it was thoroughly enjoyable low-budget garbage. Part of the reason people watched Xena was for the maybe-gayelle (but clearly gayelle) relationship between Xena, the Nancy Kerrigan-looking one above, and her “companion” Gabrielle, the Tonya Harding-looking one.
However, there won’t be any not-so-subtle lesbian undertones this time around. During a Tumblr Q&A (via Vanity Fair) about the upcoming Xena reboot, writer Javier Grillo-Marxuach was asked if the decision to kill off a female LGTB character from The CW’s The 100 (which he was a writer and co-executive producer on) would have any effect on how he’ll handle Xena’s maybe-gay characters. According to Javier, there will be no question if Xena and Gabrielle are fucking.
“I am a very different person with a very different world view than my employer on The 100 – and my work on The 100 was to use my skills to bring that vision to life. Xena will be a very different show made for very different reasons. There is no reason to bring back Xena if it is not there for the purpose of fully exploring a relationship that could only be shown subtextually in first-run syndication in the 1990s.”
NBC’s Xena reboot won’t just be an excuse for some girl warrior-on-girl warrior action. This afternoon Javier Tweeted that his Xena will also be about “courage, redemption, ass-kicking, ancient Greece, scrolls, quarterstaffs, and the greater good.”
I’m really glad they’re not going to be vague this time around, because I was beyond clueless when I was a kid watching Xena: Warrior Princess. I literally couldn’t figure out what was going on between Xena and Gabrielle. Yes, even when something like this happened:
They could have spelled out the word LESBIANS in soap bubbles and I still wouldn’t have gotten it. So on behalf of all the other oblivious dummies out there, thank you, Javier.
Pic: NBC/Universal
Amy Poehler’s Beverly Hills Mansion Is Sucking California Drier
“Hi, you thirsty, literally, haters!” – the Marie Antoinette of the California drought in that picture.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the city of Beverly Hills has been the worst when it comes to cutting back on using water during the California drought. It takes a whole lot of water to keep their gigantic ass lawns lush and green, their pools full and their pristine skin cleansed of the peasant germs that touch them when they go outside of their gates. The state of California put its cities on a water diet by forcing cutbacks by as much as 35%. The rich bitches of Beverly Hills were forced to reduce their water use by 32%. They have failed hard and didn’t meet their goal for four straight months. State water officials have fined the city and so the city is punching back at its citizens the old-fashioned way: PUBLIC SHAMING!
Ben Affleck Wants You To Know That He’s Totally OK With The Stuff Jennifer Garner Said About Him In Vanity Fair
On a scale of “Oh yeah?” to “Spill that tea girl!“, Jennifer Garner’s recent-ish interview about the death of her marriage with Vanity Fair was about an “Oh yeah.” Which was probably for the best, since those two still live together and going full-Waiting to Exhale scorned wife on Ben Affleck in print would have made shit super awkward for their kids. She did however get in a subtle burn at the expense of his post-split back tattoo and side-eyed him for the whole nanny situation. But Ben Affleck isn’t mad about anything that came out Jennifer Garner’s mouth during her Vanity Fair interview.
While talking to The New York Times, Ben, said that he doesn’t like talking publicly about his family (shade on, Batman). BUT if he has to, he wants you to know that his relationship with Jen is great and everything is great.
“Jen’s great. She’s a great person. We’re on great terms. I just saw her this morning, so that’s the reality that I live in. She felt like she wanted to discuss it and get it out there and get it over with, so she could say, ‘Look, I already talked about it – I don’t want to do it again.’ It’s fine. She’s allowed to talk about it.”
So there you have it. Everything between Daredevil and Elektra is great. They officially have Hollywood’s least-dramatic divorce. You know somewhere in a hand-carved agar wood steam room, Hollywood’s former Best Divorce title holder Gwyneth Paltrow is plotting how to yank back her crown. “Chris? It’s me. Listen, you’re moving back in. Don’t ask why, just throw your shit in a box and get over here.”
Here’s Ben Affleck rolling through LAX on Saturday looking like Bruce Wayne’s beer-slamming younger brother, Brad Wayne.
Pics: Splash
Mama June Is Getting Gastric Sleeve Surgery After Dieting Almost Killed Her Ass
Besides dumb stuff like reducing your risk of heart disease and diabetes, nothing good comes out of eating healthy things. Case in point: The mutated hushpuppy we all know as Mama June had to be shuffled off to the hospital two weeks ago after she passed out in her house in Georgia. Mama June has been trying to burn off another layer of her Chalupa chins by dieting and her body apparently had the same reaction mine does when I eat broccoli that hasn’t been dipped in cheese or marannaise. It collapsed, and she’s reportedly going the Star Jones route, because dieting is dangerous for her health. I would say that Richard Simmons should come out of retirement to help Mama June, but he’s already been through too damn much.