Maybe it’s because I’ve never had a million dollars, let alone one hundred million dollars, but there isn’t a whole lot I wouldn’t do for a million dollars. Hell, there isn’t a lot I wouldn’t do for $1000. (The many times I considered volunteering for sketchy drug trials that I found on Craigslist can vouch for me on that one.) Well, there are apparently some things Daniel Craig won’t do for $100 million, and one of those might be doing anymore James Bond movies.

Daniel Craig has played Bond in four films (Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall, Spectre), but according to The Daily Mail, he’s done. Sources say that Daniel was offered £68 million (roughly $100 million) to make two more Bond movies, but he turned it down. The reason being that Daniel is no longer interested in looking intensely while wearing an expensive suit and firing a gun. The source says:

“Daniel is done – pure and simple – he told top brass at MGM after Spectre. They threw huge amounts of money at him, but it just wasn’t what he wanted. He had told people after shooting that this would be his final outing, but the film company still felt he could come around after Spectre if he was offered a money deal.”

Naturally, Gossip Cop is calling bullshit on the Daily Mail. They say that Daniel hasn’t officially turned down anything, adding that “no decision has been made.” BBC Entertainment says that “authoritative Bond sources” tell them that Daniel Craigs hasn’t made a decision, adding that a decision probably won’t happen for a while.

Last year, Daniel told Time Out that he’d rather “slash his wrists” than play James Bond a fifth time, and that the only reason he’d do it is for the money. I guess $50 million per film wasn’t the kind of money Daniel had in mind. Which is crazy, because how much money does he want? Doesn’t he realize that the more zeroes on his paycheck means less money for everything else? Getting paid $1 billion means shit when the movie’s wardrobe is provided by Burlington Coat Factory, the theme song is sung by the guy from Wham! who isn’t George Michael, and your Bond Girl is the only person in the UK willing to work for “exposure“, Rita Ora.

Pic: Wenn.com

At the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL a couple of weeks ago, a competitor from the UK pulled up his shirt to show Prince Hot Ginge his chest tattoo, and the ginger jewel of the British royal family used that opportunity to get into some quickie nip play. But the dude who was on the right end of that nipple tweaking had a really weird and unnatural response to it. I mean, he quickly pulled down his shirt and went OMG with his face. The natural reaction would be to pick up your prostate off of the floor (because obviously it’d fall out of you as soon as PHG touched your tit knob), and as you stuff it back into your ass, you run off to get a protective plastic box made for the nip that was touched by PHG.

First, PHG group hugs a bunch of hot, wet, shirtless swimmers and now this. I wish the Invictus Games lasted for months, because if it did, PHG may have given me enough material to put together a homoerotic soft-core porn. And I’m going to end this post now, because it’s really hard to type with one hand. No, I’m not doing that. What do you take me for? I’m a professional! I’m using the other hand to make my Prince Hot Ginge Real Doll pinch my nip so I can sort of know what it feels like. God!

(Thanks to everyone who sent this to me!)

Apropos of nothing (really – even he admits he had no reason to be there), Dax Shepard was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night. Little did he know he was actually there for a very valid reason, and that was to tell Jimmy Kimmel and the world a story about his vasectomy that begins with a pregnancy scare and ends with him jerking it into a jar in his car.

Unlike the character he played in Idiocracy, Frito Pendejo, who I assume was sterile from years of chronic ‘baitin and edible chemical exposure, Dax Shepard used to be quite fertile. So fertile in fact that he’s been able to successfully knock up his wife Kristen Bell twice on purpose and almost once on accident. According to Dax, the last one happened recently. Kristen got sick, so she assumed it meant she was probably pregnant again. Dax already has to be responsible for two kids under the age of three, and the thought of adding more to the equation made his dick break out into a cold sweat. That’s when he decided to sneak off to get a vasectomy.

Of course, they need to make sure the vasectomy worked, and there’s two ways you can test for that kind of thing. One, knock up your lady, thus proving that you should find your receipt and ask for a refund. Or two, come back a while later with a cup o’ jizz so they can look at them under a microscope and see if you’re sterile. Dax chose Option #2. The only problem was that he had a two-hour window to yank it before his appointment, and he had to do it before he got there. Thanks to a meeting running later than he expected, he ended up “providing a sample“, if you will, in a rinsed-out mason jar while driving to his appointment. Skip to the 4:03 mark to watch Dax explain it all in vivid detail.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=457&v=VIa-rI_48xs

Sadly, I doubt that’s the grossest thing that’s been done while driving in Los Angeles. I’m sure if you ask Kendra Wilkinson, she’d be like “Eh, that was pretty much every trip to Ralphs when we lived at the mansion.”

Here’s a not-knocked-up Kristen Bell at the NBC Universal Upfronts earlier this week.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kanye West shot an appearance on Ellen (it aired today), and they really should’ve temporarily changed the show’s name to KANYE! During her interview time with Kanye, Ellen DeGeneres should’ve just quietly exited stage left and chilled out in her dressing room until he was done (which would’ve been the day after never), because he took control. At one point, Kanye turned away from Ellen and addressed the audience as though he was giving a TED Talk if TED stood for Titanic-sized Egomaniacal Delusions.

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Olivia Munn, seen above looking like she really regrets letting a stylist put her in a while skirt, recently admitted to Women’s Health (via E! News) that her body became 12 lbs lighter during the filming of X-Men: Apocalypse. And how did she do it? Was it exercise? Atkins? Coke cut with TrimSpa? That laxative tea that the Kardashians are always pimping on Instagram? No, it was eating almost nothing but fruit and vegetables. Don’t worry, I also shuddered at the thought of spending all day on the toilet releasing an endless stream of fiber-filled poops.

“My intention was to just get as fit and as healthy as I could be, for myself. By the time I was finished [filming], I was 12 pounds less than I started! It’s a big difference because I started working out every single day, and then I also started getting into eating 20-80, where 80 percent of your diet is fruits and vegetables and 20 percent is whatever.”

“Whatever? Amateur” thought Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady. So apparently Japanese potatoes are the reason for Olivia’s new face and they’re also part of the reason for Olivia’s new body. Speaking of her new face, she also talked about her face (again) and how she still isn’t here for people taking a magnifying glass to recent pictures of her.

“I think…when you’re in the public eye, [scrutiny] does come with it. People want to say things. My girlfriend, she said to me the other day, ‘If people are wondering why you look younger, it’s better than them asking why do you look older.'”

Being asked about why you look different can suck no matter what the reason. I lost a lil’ weight once and a friend asked me how. The look she gave me when I confessed that my “secret” was eating a diet rich in Target popcorn was enough to make me wish I could go back in time and tell her to mind her own damn business. You should never feel pressured to reveal your truly shameful diet secrets.

Stop the 60 Minutes stopwatch and pawn it off, because there’s no need for it now that Morley Safer has died. The Canadian-American broadcasting legend announced his retirement on 60 Minutes last Wednesday, and a week after he began living that retirement life of  staying up really late (8:30pm), eating Werther’s for dinner and booking a Carnival cruise to the Caribbean, he has gone on to heaven. CBS News says that Morley died today in Manhattan. He was 84.

Morley started off in the broadcast journalism game long before many of us were performing synchronized swimming shows for the other jizz fishes in a venue called Our Daddy’s Ballsack. Morley was a correspondent and producer for the CBC before he joined CBS News in 1964 and stuck with them until (almost) his death. Morley became known for his coverage of the Vietnam War. Morley joined 60 Minutes in 1970 and became the show’s longest-serving correspondent. 60 Minutes devoted all 60 minutes to Morley on Sunday night by airing the most memorable moments of his career. Morley said this when announcing his retirement:

“After more than 50 years of broadcasting on CBS News and 60 Minutes, I have decided to retire. It’s been a wonderful run, but the time has come to say goodbye to all of my friends at CBS and the dozens of people who kept me on the air. But most of all I thank the millions of people who have been loyal to our broadcast.”

Rest in peace, Morley. You are now in heaven, shooting the shit with Katharine Hepburn:

Pic: Wenn.com