Reading About Tom Brady And Gisele Bundchen’s Diet Makes Me Want To Dunk My Head In A Bowl Of Fried Carbs And Sugar

January 6, 2016 / Posted by:

The look of happiness and love in their faces… Tom Brady is obviously staring at someone eating a candy bar and Gisele Bundchen is picturing him as a giant fried chicken drumstick slathered in mashed potatoes and gravy.

If I had a private chef like Tom and Gis I’d make them whip me up some In-N-Out Pie, corn dog pizza and a deep fried cookie cake pie, and afterward my in-house lipo technician would suck the fat out of my body. But that’s not how Tom and Gis do it. Tom and Gis pretty much eat like a rabbit who reads a lot of GOOP. They actually out-GOOPed GOOP. Their private chef Allen Campbell talked to about all the things that Tom and Gis don’t put in their mouths. Gisele is no longer THAT BITCH who happily eats pizza in front of photographers before modeling lingerie.

Allen Campbell says that 80 percent of their diet is made up of organic vegetables. (Side note: Before you shame Gis for allegedly putting plastic titty bowls in her chest, I’m sure the silicone she used was organic, okay?) They also eat whole grains, lean meats and fish. The list of the stuff they don’t put into their eating holes is long. Allen mainly only uses coconut oil to cook, because he says fats like canola oil “turn into trans fats.” Here’s a list of all the things Tom and Gis don’t eat. If you eat like I do and Tom and Gis invite you to their mansion for dinner for some reason, you better hit up an Arby’s first:

– No white sugar
– No MSG
– No white flour
– No gluten
– No olive oil
– No iodized salt
– No nightshades, because they’re not anti-inflammatory. I always think “Nightshades” was a spin-off of Evening Shade, but they’re potatoes, eggplants, etc…
– Tomatoes only once a month
– No coffee
– No caffeine
– No dairy
– No fungus
– Barely any fruit

The TL;DR version is: They eat nothing fun!

Allen Campbell also became my #1 enemy when he said that sugar is the death of people. Allen says that Tom and Gis love their diet (uh huh) and their kids pretty much eat like them. They even have their own comfort food. They’re comfort food is keen-wah and sad greens.

“I’m all about serving meals in bowls. I’ve just did this quinoa dish with wilted greens. I use kale or Swiss chard or beet greens. I add garlic, toasted in coconut oil. And then some toasted almonds, or this cashew sauce with lime curry, lemongrass, and a little bit of ginger. That’s just comfort food for them.”

Tom and Gis’ bodies are their money and if they’re into eating like that, okay. More carbs and death sugar for the rest of us! But I couldn’t do it all the time. My mom always gets on me for eating like I was raised by a pack of Mama Junes, so one time I went on a detox diet for her. No carbs, no sugar, no booze and so on. Surprisingly, I made it about 5 days, but on day 6, a wild-eyed me was found in the middle of a McDonald’s screaming at the employees to shoot me up with a blended Quarter Pounder STAT!


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