Ashley Olsen and her twin, Mary-Kate Olsen, are noted Hollywood recluses–unless they’re popping up in the news to remind us that they’re Hollywood recluses or one’s getting secret married or messily divorced. This time, Ashley, who’s one-half of Michelle Tanner and The Row fashion collection, got secret-married to Louis Eisner, an artist and the son of two mega-rich people. The Bel-Air ceremony was small and private, and I would wager a guess there wasn’t a dry eye or healthy lung in the house.

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Thor, the walrus whose masturbating and nap time got a fireworks show canceled!

Yesterday, my inbox was hit with emails about the horny walrus whose non-stop fapping messed with a resort town’s New Year’s Eve extravaganza. And I don’t know what that says about me. Actually, I do, but let’s not get into that right now because all the focus must be on this Don’t Give A Fuck legend!

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Kelly Osbourne recently gave birth to her first child, a baby boy she made with her boyfriend, Sid Wilson of Slipknot. They named their son Sidney after him. We know this because Kelly’s mom, Sharon Osbourne, announced it on live British TV. And Kelly herself is apparently not happy about that, and in an Instagram Story, called out a certain blabbermouth for mouth-sharting out private details about her baby. And last year, Kelly got pissed at her dad, Ozzy Osbourne, for telling everyone she was having a boy before she could. Obviously, Kelly knows her own parents a zillion times better than I do, but I could’ve told her that they were going spill the news before she did because of the fact that they are fucking Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne. I mean, I’m pretty sure Sharon Osbourne had her plastic surgeon remove her pesky brain-to-mouth filter decades ago! – Entertainment Tonight

Jennifer Lopez shared more pictures from her and Ben Affleck’s weddings because I guess she wanted us to see more pics of her serving bridal sexyface as Ben Affleck looks like he would rather be deep throating a Venti Starbucks Frapp than be there – Lainey Gossip

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On New Year’s Eve Day, Brad Pitt was papped poolside sunning his divorced-dad-of-six-bod alongside his topless lady friend of a few months, nutritionist/person having something to do with jewelry production, Ines de Ramon, while the two vacationed together in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. If the paps caught the couple unawares, they must be pissed to have missed the money shot because Ines kept her back to the voyeurs, depriving a thirsty public of a peep of the teats that are sure to inspire Brad to try his hand at designing a line of handcrafted nipple rings for every occasion. Possibly even a bespoke pair one might wear to a covert photoshoot when your man’s movie has just flopped following resurfaced accusations of domestic abuse by his very famous ex. But we’ll never know because Ines is, apparently, a pro. As such, she appeared far more interested in keeping her nose in her book than she was in the soulful artist with the “well-defined abs and many tattoos” seated by her side.

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Watch out, disgraced Grey’s Anatomy writer who faked cancer. Someone’s coming for your gig! Her name is Susan Meachen, she’s an aspiring romance novelist, and over two years ago, her “daughter” took to Facebook to share that she had died by suicide. Very sad. Until yesterday, when Insider reports Susan suddenly re-appeared on social media to reveal that, oops, she was actually alive this whole time! All signs point to Susan faking her own death to sell more books. Unsurprisingly, friends, colleagues, and people on the Internet are outraged. Hmmm, so maybe there is such a thing as bad publicity.

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