A couple years ago Cameron Diaz announced that she had retired from acting. Her last gig was as Miss Hannigan in 2014’s abysmal Annie remake, a performance that caused Carol Burnett to roll over in her grave (and the woman isn’t even dead yet!). Since then, Cammie D married one of the Good Charlotte twins (allegedly Benji Madden, but who knows, her and sister-in-law Nicole Richie could be swapping on the reg), had a baby daughter, callously named her Raddix Chloe Wildflower Madden, and declared she was getting into the wellness business.

Recently 47-year-old Cameron launched a “clean”, chemical-free wine line called Avaline (um, that’s a far better name than Raddix), and went on Gwyneth Paltrow’s digital series “In Goop Health: The Sessions” to promote it. The two friends chatted about motherhood, marriage, and being a “manifester”. For all I know, they also talked about who killed Jeffrey Epstein, but I couldn’t watch more than ten seconds of that rich-wellness-lady-spiritual-journey mumbo jumbo without my morning bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats creeping its way back up my throat.

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There has been talk of Disney giving their 1940 film Pinocchio the live-action treatment for at least three years, which should be surprising to no one since they’re giving the live-action treatment to all of their animated movies except for Song of the South. One day in the near future a CGI’d to Pleasure Island and back version of Pinocchio will be making its way to a theater near you…or dropping on Disney+, depending on how this COVID-19 thing turns out. And when that happens, there’s a very good chance the old man who becomes Pinocchio’s human father Geppetto will be played by none other than Hollywood’s dad himself, Tom Hanks.

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Joan Drew-Smith, the Queen of Tell It Like It Fucking Is who called out Prince William and Duchess Kate for being shitty at bingo calling!

Some oldies take the important elder sport of bingo very damn seriously, so if you’re going to call numbers for them, you better bring it, and if you don’t, you better hold onto your wig because one of them will snatch it off and call you out. Or in Prince William’s case, you better say goodbye to the last two strands of hair on your dome since some pissed off memaw is going to snatch ’em off, which is what Joan Drew-Smith did over his and Duchess Kate’s toilet-worthy bingo calling skills.

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Megan Fox posted a picture on Instagram of her current piece Machine Gun Kelly and called him an “Achingly Beautiful Boy.” Okay, when she posted that, a medical team should’ve parachuted in since she’s obviously suffering from stage 10 dickmatization and is suffering from it in a bad way. But instead of calling in an optometrist and a priest who specializes in coochie exorcism, her estranged husband Brian Austin Green mocked her by posting a picture of his three children with her and his son with Vanessa Marcil and he used the same “achingly beautiful” caption. While I’m sure Megan isn’t laughing at BAG using their kids to get at her, I’m sure her lawyer is laughing at the thought of using this against him in their inevitable divorce fight – Just Jared

Miley Cyrus is putting out new music soon, and judging by that clip she posted, her tongue of terror is back (and she now looks like a 90s Lori Petty on E) – Lainey Gossip 

Not pictured: the seagulls, dolphins, and fish rolling their eyes at Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas‘ latest kiss and canoodle show for the paps – Celebitchy

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The theme for July’s Hot Slut of the Month showdown is: BADASSES. Because in the mix for July’s HSOTM crown are the badass emus who caused a commotion in a small Australian town, the badass memaw and pepaw who destroyed the fashion industry with their devastating looks, the badass “UPDATES” graphic that dramatically let us know that an Unsolved Mystery may have been solved, and the badass black hole who will gobble up anything in its path.

The first three HSOTM finalists got the most Facebook likes for the month, and the fourth one was picked by me. Your choices for July are:

Carol and Kevin, the party emus of the Australian town of Yaraka who got banned from a restaurant after they shit all over the place, stole french toast from customers, and got behind the bar. Screw those Vanderpump Rules bores, Carol and Kevin need their own Bravo reality show.

Hsu Sho-er and Chang Wan-ji, the laundromat owners who have made Taiwan the new epicenter of high fashion by posing for their lives on Instagram in ensembles put together using clothes left behind by customers. And well, if those customers ever want their clothes back, they’re going to have to pay couture prices since they’ve been on the bodies of these supermodels.

The “UPDATES” graphic, the extremely important graphic that hit your eyes during an episode of Unsolved Mysteries to let you know that there was an important update in one of their past stories and sometimes of those important updates led to an Unsolved Mystery becoming a SOLVED Mystery. So basically that graphic was the face of justice back in the day.

J2157, the envy of every power bottom in the world because it holds the title of the hungriest black hole in the universe since it devours everything.

Voting is below. The winner will be announced next Wednesday, August 12!

https://poll.fm/10589230

Pics: Instagram, Instagram, NBC, NASA