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Open Post: Hosted By The Time That Dame Judi Dench Gave Her Goldfish Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth CPR
Nothing like a weekend story about 85-year-old acting legend, Dame Judi Dench, putting her lips on a big, floppy…fish, and blowing it back to life. There’s a joke in there that I’m just not going to touch (unlike Judi, who would not only touch it but probably slobber all over it!).
Shia LaBeouf And Margaret Qualley Got Naked In The Name Of High Art
Style-wise, I’m completely obsessed with Shia LaBeouf. Sometimes, he bolts out of the house to grab a coffee dressed for a Daytona 500 tailgate party; sometimes it looks more like he’s on his way to join the picket lines at a sanitation workers’ sit-in. And then occasionally he just says “fuck it!” and mixes lumberjack chic with Day-Glo prints and a greasy rattail. And underneath all that Central Florida Nascar fan cosplay, he’s a Museum of Shitty Tattoos. Because I watched this short, which features him and actress/Andie MacDowell’s daughter/park trespasser Margaret Qualley as a couple in a fucked-up relationship (these two were perfectly cast btw), titled “Love Me Like You Hate Me” and, honestly, after digesting all 9½ minutes of it, I hate myself the most.
Adele Ended Up Singing On “Saturday Night Live” After All
And no, she didn’t slip back into those Bantu knots to belt out a Bob Marley-Shaggy-Grace Jones medley. In fact, Adele, who randomly decided to host “Saturday Night Live” last night (with musical guest H.E.R.), kept it MOSTLY safe and boring while relying heavily on those cue cards and said she wouldn’t sing but eventually did. And I said “mostly,” because there was one skit that made people scream, “Adele’s at it again!”
Open Post: Hosted By McBroken, The Website That Tracks Every McDonald’s With A Broken Ice Cream Machine
It’s a shame that this year’s Nobel prizes have already been handed out, because the award for Economics (and, frankly, for Peace), should definitely have gone to the 24-year-old who put together a tracking app that lets users know about every single broken ice cream machine at McDonald’s restaurants throughout the entire United States. That’s right, from now on, self-loathing, hungover losers like myself will no longer have to experience that sinking feeling you get when you stumble into a McDonald’s, smackdown your sofa-cushion change, and ask for an OREO McFlurry––only to be told that the machine is broken again.
Eva Mendes Says That Being With Ryan Gosling Made Her Want To Have Kids
Did you hear that? That was the sound of the collective universe screaming “no shit, Eva!” after she blurted out the most unnecessarily obvious statement in the history of celebrity interviews. Apparently, Eva Mendes, who has been in a relationship with Ryan Gosling––with whom she shares two daughters––since 2011, NEVER used to think about birthin’ babies or pushing strollers and shit until she started grinding up on her hunky man.
But that’s funny, huh? Ya, my hot boyfriend helped me get over my hatred of kids once I realized that having constant, non-step sex with him (especially during those “The Place Beyond the Pines” years) was worth changing a few diapers. Hell, I’d have Ryan Gosling’s babies…and I just witnessed a screaming, maskless 5-year-old in a Walmart YESTERDAY.
Zachery Ty Bryan Has Been Charged With 2 Felonies For Allegedly Attacking His Girlfriend
The harsh realities of life and all of its consequences continue to beat up against the side of the bloated, Trump-loving face of Zachery (with an E) Ty Bryan following last week’s news that the former “Home Improvement”––and literally nothing else––actor was arrested for allegedly attacking his girlfriend. Well, the plot has thickened as new details are emerging about the night in question. AND, to top it all off, Zachery has formally been charged with 2 felonies related to the incident…it looks like things really couldn’t get any worse (I mean, according to IMDB, it’s pretty much all been downhill for ZTB since 1999).