It’s been much too long since we’ve all choked on a river of laughs coming out of our mouths while reading the hilarious deep thoughts of one of delusion’s ambassadors Kunty Karl. Kunty Karl is back and is once again showing us that he probably wins open mic night at the Death Eaters Comedy Club every week, because his shit is funny.
Britain’s Stylist Magazine (via Cosmopolitan) asked the German King of the Vampires what he would do if he ran England. I don’t know why Stylist even asked him that. We all know that if Kunty Karl ran England, he’d make eating actual food illegal and he’d deport all fatties to a land far, far away. Karl didn’t say he’d do that, but he did say that he’d take away welfare for families and give that money to people who dressed well. Whoever said that zombies have no sense of humor has never read a Kunty Karl quote.
“I would make myself head of the style police and we would fight fiercely against sloppiness,” said the high fashion legend. Being well turned-out is not a question of means. Benefits for families would be replaced by maintenance bonuses for those who make an effort.”
Kunty Karl then got a little serious when he said that he’d make everyone learn a bunch of languages because it’ll combat Alzheimer’s or something:
“I would make everybody learn two or three languages. Being trilingual is essential, it opens doors for you, opens your mind and helps you to avoid Alzheimer’s disease.”
Compared to the bitchy nuggets that have come out of Karl’s mouth before, those quotes aren’t bad. I guess he was saving his best cunty material for The New York Times.
The New York Times did a profile on 35-year-old Brad Kroenig, a male model who is part of Karl’s Boys. Karl’s Boys is a group of male models who follow him around the world. They claim that their relationship with Karl is strictly platonic and they don’t have to suck on his crypt keeper boner. The New York Times reporter tagged along as Brad went to Dubai with Karl. During the trip, the reporter asked Karl why his entourage is filled with male models.
Lagerfeld refers to Brad and the other models that travel with him as his family, albeit a self-selected, genetically ideal one. “I hate ugly people,” Lagerfeld told me. “Very depressing.”
If you’re thinking to yourself, “Bitch must hate himself then,” don’t say it out loud! He can hear you and he’ll punish you for saying that. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night staring at his white pot scrubber hair as he sucks the blood out of your chest. Besides, Kunty Karl doesn’t know what he looks like. Vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors. Duh.
Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?
But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?
Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.
You didn’t think that Kunty Karl would let his pussy of leisure Choupette Lagerfeld spend her days delicately licking rare mermaid caviar off of her maid’s white glove while lounging on a swan feather-stuffed cashmere pillow as her other maid gently cleans her b-hole with champagne, did you? Choupette has to earn her keep and Kunty Karl has put her to work. WWD says that the cat who proved that it is possible for a soulless, dead-hearted zombie vampire to love a living thing has landed a deal to be the face of Shu Uemura’s holiday collection called Shupette. Leave it to Choupette Lagerfeld to sign a cosmetics deal when bitch doesn’t even wear makeup since she’s a natural beauty. Maybe Choupette signed with Shu Uemura, because she’s trying to get in with the cosmetic industry so she can sneak into animal testing laboratories and free her kind. Yeah, probably not. That luxurious bitch is lazy.
WWD says that Shu Uemura is calling their Choupette-inspired collection “the first tie-up between a beauty name and a house pet” and that’s probably right, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Cover Girl gives Grumpy Cat her own collection called Cover Grump. WWD also said this about Choupette’s new job:
Press materials suggest the Shupette range is likely to include furry false eyelashes, and includes a quote from the cat, calling herself “queen of catnaps” and “social media’s most wanted.”
Lagerfeld already photographed his cat for the Shu Uemura campaign.
And here’s Choupette hard at work:
Sorry, human models, your services are no longer needed. Your jobs are now be snatched away by the pampered pussies of zombie fashion designers. Nepurrtism at its finest!
Chanel hired the humanized paper bag full of paint fumes Kristen Stewart to be the bitchy resting face of their Paris-Dallas Collection, because Kunty Karl loves that she’s more unfeeling inside than he is. Kunty Karl falls in love with any trick who would win the role of a “barely functioning zombie” on The Walking Dead over him. KStew was announced as Kunty Karl’s new muse at Chanel’s show in Dallas, TX last December and the first pictures from the campaign leaked yesterday. KStew really switched shit up for this one! Deceased eyes that say nothing, a facial expression that makes a white hockey mask look like its full of all the emotions and a mouth that’s going “duuuuuurrrrrrrrrr” non-stop. KStew really made everyone shit out a lump of SHOCK by doing something totally new. Bitch looks like a Skillrex fan who overdid it with the Ecstasy at a hoe down-themed rave.
The entire city of Dallas should file a defamation and slander suit against Chanel for doing their city wrong, because half of those clothes look like they were pulled out of a dusty cardboard box marked 1991 at one of Billy Ray Cyrus’ garage sales. If Sue Ellen Ewing looks the clothes up and down and shakes her head NOPE, you cannot give those clothes the Dallas seal of approval. Since Chanel hasn’t officially officially released these pictures yet, I don’t know if that filter came from them or not. That filter makes these pictures look like they were taken at the old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. If that’s the look they were going for, they should’ve went totally authentic and shot the campaign at the actual old timey photo shop at Knott’s Berry Farm. Now, that would’ve been a real fashion campaign.
Here’s more pictures from Chanel’s zombie confederate soldier in lazy drag campaign. I do like the first picture, but only because her arms look like two abominable snowman dicks.
via The Fashion Spot
And my definition is the loosest! I’m such a jaded fuck, I think anyone that goes out of their way to not be a raging asshole on purpose is a hero. An employee at McDonalds didn’t tell me to ‘eat shit’ when I asked for an extra ketchup packet? HERO. Seeing a car wait an extra 10 seconds while an old lady finished crossing the road? HERO. My shower had hot water? OMG SUCH HERO.
With that being said, I applaud Kunty Karl for taking a break from being the World’s Second Largest Undead Kunt (the title of First Largest is being reserved in the event Pimp Mama Kris dies and returns as a zombie) long enough to save Women’s Wear Daily editor Bridget Foley from the pain and anguish she suffered after being detained by customs officials in France. I know: quelle fucking horreur. Showbiz Spy says that Bridget Foley was on her way to the Paris couture shows when she was held up by French customs because her passport was nearly expired, then put in a holding cell before being taken to police. Despite intervention by her bosses at Condé Nast and the US Embassy, Bridget was detained for so long she missed the first day of couture shows in Paris (LE GASP).
Things for Bridget seemed hopeless until news spread to Karl Lagerfeld, who made a couple calls and sent his main Chanel bitch, Bruno Pavlovsky, to free her from a life of prison yard shankings and teardrop tattoos. Bridget Foley later wrote about her harrowing ordeal for Women’s Wear Daily by saying:
“My personal takeaway, should I ever be stopped by law enforcement personnel for anything, for crossing against the light, my first words will be ‘Officer, I’m so sorry.’ And my second: ‘I want to call a lawyer. Or Chanel.’ ”
Who does this bitch think Karl Lagerfeld is? Better Call Saul? Get real Bridget; Karl’s too busy drinking the blood of virgins with Choupette to get you out of a jaywalking ticket. She’s lucky she caught Karl at weak moment; an hour earlier or later and he would have been all: “What a pity. I certainly hope she looks good in orange.”
And today’s Important Life Lesson: France does not fuck around when it comes to passports and will Brokedown Palace your ass.
Linda Grey as Sue Ellen Ewing
Charlene Tilton as Lucy Ewing
Barney Bush’s ghost
Chase from The A-List Dallas
Gary Busey’s teeth
Papa Joe Simpson
A chewed-up piece of deep fried butter
Those are all beauties who are either from Texas or affiliated with the state of Texas in some way and any one of them would be a better choice for the face of Chanel’s Paris-Dallas collection than emo-faced Kirsten Stewart. Kunty Karl debuted his Texas-inspired métiers d’art collection (whatever that means) at Dallas Fair Park last night and he also announced that his new muse is as dead inside as he is. Kunty Karl needs to switch the brand of children’s hair he’s smoking, because his new shit is obviously doing crazy things to his zombie brains. Okay, okay, maybe Kunty Karl chose Kristen Stewart, because she makes him look alive in comparison. And judging by the crap she wore to the show in Dallas last night, I think he might hate her more than he hates a fat, ugly baby who eats food.
Really, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF GD OUTFIT IS THAT?!
That is the fanciest and ugliest period outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s giving me cramps in my eyeballs. This is some Orange is the New Barf shit. It’s like a cross between a leather prison jumpsuit (they wear that at the Kanye West State Penitentiary), a pair of RUN-DMC’s old pants and an orange biohazard waste trash bag.
And now that I think about it and have seen the tacky, ugly hoedown wear from the collection, I can’t wait to hate on this campaign when it comes out next year. Keep on trolling, Kunty Karl!
(Pic via Getty)
Insert ten coliseums full of echoing cackles here.
Kanye West is still straining every muscle in his gold-leafed anus to turn trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian into some kind of high fashion icon and he got Kunty Karl, Carine Roitfeld and his favorite snuggle time partner Riccardo Tisci to help him make it happen. Kim is the brain dead child beauty queen to Kanye’s crazy stage mother. Carine put a knocked up Kim on the cover of the third issue of her CR Fashion Book and the inside spread was art directed by Riccardo Tisci and shot by Kunty Karl. In almost every picture, you can hear Riccardo and Kunty Karl screaming, “I HATE THIS TRICK!” If every picture tells a story, then in every picture Riccardo and Karl are telling us the story of how they gave up.
I love it all and I really love that picture above. Bitch looks so stupid. She looks like a pregnant OctoMom as a slutty mime from the 90s. It looks like she’s lying on a black wheelbarrow and that “HUH?” look in her face tells me that Kunty Karl asked her what 2 + 2 is.
And honestly, here’s the best picture of them all:
It was really brave of Kim to show us the rhinestone mask that Kanye makes her wear when she wants to kiss him. The secret to their relationship is Kim wearing a mask that Kanye can see his own sparkling reflection in.
And if you’re behind on your eye roll exercises today, here’s a quote from Carine that will help you to catch you up: “This is not something for a gossip magazine that goes into the trash. This is a magazine that is a collector’s item.” Yes, it’s the perfect piece for any comedy memorabilia collector.
Fancy fashion type and Harper’s Bazaar’s Global Fashion Director Carine Roitfeld styled and picked out women for her “Singular Beauties” spread, which was supposed to pay homage to the diversity of women. But the only thing I see it paying homage to is fuckery. Case in point: Gabourey Sidibe’s picture.
I don’t know if Gabourey is saying, “STOP IN THE NAME OF FOOLERY,” or if she’s just saying “Stop!“, but they should’ve definitely listened to her, because this picture should’ve never made it out of the camera and should’ve died by the hand of the delete button. I don’t even know what’s going on in that picture. It’s like the weirdest game of charades ever. Karl Lagerfeld shot all of the pictures in Carine’s spread, so now it all makes sense. Carine and Kunty Karl probably told Gabourey to show up dressed like a volunteer theater usher. Then they put a red leather jacket (aka the only thing they had in her size) on her and when that didn’t work, Kunty Karl sighed and screamed at his minions just to throw a curtain over her and be done with it. Kunty Karl wanted to get Gabourey out of his sight, because just like food, the living and happiness, fat people are his rivals. Getting Kunty Karl to photograph a fat person is like getting Paula Deen to cater a Black Panther luncheon. It’s not going to end well and it didn’t.
And here’s a few more of Harper’s “Singular Beauties” spread (click here to see them all). It really is paying homage to fuckery, because ScarJo made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar Australia and they declared her the “modern Marilyn.” Yes, they said that and they said it during the anniversary of Marilyn’s death! Harper’s really needs to switch dealers, because the stuff they’re snorting is the wrong stuff.
On the left is RiRi at the Chanel couture show in Paris today. On the right is a front yard Scrooge statue holding a lantern. Had RiRi accessorized her old man nightgown with a nightcap and a lantern, and had a look on her face like she was searching the darkness for spirits, she would’ve won this. But she didn’t, so game point goes to the Scrooge statute!
Since we’re on the subject of old man nightgowns… (Note: I might’ve told this story before. Stoned messes tend to repeat themselves a lot.) When I was in the third or fourth grade, my school friends and I went door-to-door selling Helen Grace eggs during Easter times. One of my friends’ mom came with us and stood at the sidewalk while went up to the door. We went to this one house where an 80-something couple lived. The pepaw came to the door wearing a button down nightgown like RiRi’s, except his was short and burgundy. Ole’ dude should’ve kept a pair of chonies by the front door so he wouldn’t give his visitors a peek of his soft-boiled huevos when he answered the door. His wrinkled nuts were hanging out of his shorty robe. I don’t think he knew, but it was still highly inappropriate and ILLEGAL! We turned around and ran to my friend’s mom as though the face of Freddy Krueger was on that old dude’s nuts.
So when I see RiRi in a nightgown all I see are wrinkly white man nuts. Thank you for traumatizing me again, RiRi.
The soulless vampires of the underworld were left confused about the meaning of their lives when their king, Kunty Karl, said that he feels actual love toward his pussy Choupette. The future of evil was in doubt when a heartless ghoul like Kunty Karl declared love for a living thing. But every heartless creature can breathe a cold sight of relief, because Kunty Karl is back to being a ridiculous kunt.
During the same interview where Karl said he wants to make Choupette his wife, CNN’s Alina Cho asked him about Adele, whom he said was “a little too fat.” The current reigning King of Kunts and former fatty said this about current day Adele:
“I never said that she was fat, I said that she was a little roundish; a little roundish is not fat. But for such a beautiful girl, after that she lost eight kilo so I think the message was not that bad.”
So Karl called Adele fat and she lost weight. Yet all of us have been calling Karl a mega kunt for years and he’s still a mega kunt. I guess there’s an exception to every rule and thank the dark lords for that, because where would we be without Karl’s words of wisdom?
But really, Karl is truly on to something. If you’ve been trying to lose some chunk, just stand in front of Karl and feel your insides shrivel as he slurps the edges of your soul while calling you “roundish” over and over again. Staring deep into Karl’s puckering zombie anus face will keep you off of food for a while, because you’ll be too traumatized and scared to get out from under your bed covers and you won’t go to the kitchen for a while. The pounds will drop off. It’s the Kunty Karl diet!