Category: Kunty Karl

Kim Kartrashian’s Knipples Are Just As Powerful As Adele’s Vocal Cords

July 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Harper’s Bazaar’s September issue should’ve been called the “Necrophilia Issue,” because that picture has about as much sexiness and charisma as a picture of a crime scene photographer taking a picture of a dead body. No disrespect to crime scene photographers and dead bodies.

The publishers of Harper’s Bazaar are probably going to be hit with a class action lawsuit from subscribers who no longer have eyeballs because that shit rolled out of their faces and out the door while reading the magazine’s Q&A with Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian. It reads like one of those Facebook quizzes filled out by a fart bubble and a queef bubble.

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Le Tax Man Is Coming For Kunty Karl For Allegedly Trying To Hide Over $21 Million From The Government

January 6, 2016 / Posted by:

Fatties, ugly people, Adele and Pippa Middleton are all cackling into the night, because the grand lord of the Death Eaters Kunty Karl is being investigated by French tax authorities for using all kinds of schemes to hide more than 20 million euros. Kunty Karl’s white pot scrubber hair isn’t only filled with the screams of his victims. It may also be filled with tax-evading secrets.

The French newspaper L’Express (via The Daily Mail) says that French authorities believe that over the course of 6 years, Kunty Karl failed to declare a total of 20 million euros. They believe he’s been using places like the British Virgin Islands, Delaware and Ireland to circulate his millions. Authorities are focusing on 7L, a bookshop that Kunty Karl founded in 1999 in Paris. Inside of Kunty Karl’s bookshop is a photo studio owned by a British company, which takes in the revenue from his photography work. The bookshop doesn’t pay taxes because it doesn’t make any money. Apparently, the French authorities think the foreign transactions allowed the “concealing of the undeclared professional activity” of Karl as a photographer.

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Behold, The Inspiration For Elegance Who Is Worth Millions

April 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Kunty Karl has obviously never met the true inspiration for elegance Shauna Sand. But that’s another conversation for him and me to have while I’m filing his claws as one of his slaves in Hell.

Karl Lagerfeld was recently in NYC to present his Paris-Salzburg collection (Whatever that means!) and he let The Cut into his tomb at The Mercer Hotel to talk about it, but he didn’t really want to talk about that or himself or inspiration or books or TV or movies. The only thing Kunty Karl really wanted to talk about was the only living thing on this planet who is safe from him sucking the life out of them when the evil inside him needs refueling. Karl only wanted to talk about his precious pussy Choupette Lagerfeld. Karl calls Choupette the “most famous cat in the world,” but again, he obviously lives in an ass bubble of ignorance where he doesn’t know who Shauna Sand or Grumpy Cat is.

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Attack Of The Clones: Jared Leto Channels Kunty Karl

March 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Kim Kartrashian’s yeast infection surprise hair color turned to a bright shade of jealousy green at the Balmain show today when the modern day Dorian Gray named Jared Leto sashayed in while showing that trash heap heffa how the peroxide look is really done.

Five seconds is approximately how long it took Jared Leto to fight the hot again after he stopped fighting the hot by chopping off his ombre Yanni circa 1999 hair. Jared took a Flowbee to his mane to play The Joker in the Suicide Squad movie and he kept the transformation going by bleaching his hair the same color that every teenage trailer park tweaker had in 2002. I’m guessing that Jared is going to keep his transformation into The Joker going by going bright red or bright green. But I, for one, hope he keeps it like this.

I hope this means that in the Suicide Squad movie, The Joker is a cunty, black-hearted German zombie fashion designer who destroys his targets by calling them fat over and over again and who brings Batman to tears by shaming that bitch for wearing black rubber when this season is all about light onyx panda leather. The Joker will also make Superman question everything by saying, “Honey, unless your name is Lupita Nyong’o, don’t try the cape look.” They can even replace Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn with Choupette Lagerfeld. Now THAT is the Suicide Squad movie I want to see.

And here’s more of Jared looking like the golden child of the Death Eaters at the Balmain show in Paris today. And on a different note, the HELL is he wearing? He’s dressed like a toddler whose mom let him pick out his outfit.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

From The Gospel According To Kunty Karl: Ugly People Are Very Depressing

January 17, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been much too long since we’ve all choked on a river of laughs coming out of our mouths while reading the hilarious deep thoughts of one of delusion’s ambassadors Kunty Karl. Kunty Karl is back and is once again showing us that he probably wins open mic night at the Death Eaters Comedy Club every week, because his shit is funny.

Britain’s Stylist Magazine (via Cosmopolitan) asked the German King of the Vampires what he would do if he ran England. I don’t know why Stylist even asked him that. We all know that if Kunty Karl ran England, he’d make eating actual food illegal and he’d deport all fatties to a land far, far away. Karl didn’t say he’d do that, but he did say that he’d take away welfare for families and give that money to people who dressed well. Whoever said that zombies have no sense of humor has never read a Kunty Karl quote.

“I would make myself head of the style police and we would fight fiercely against sloppiness,” said the high fashion legend. Being well turned-out is not a question of means. Benefits for families would be replaced by maintenance bonuses for those who make an effort.”

Kunty Karl then got a little serious when he said that he’d make everyone learn a bunch of languages because it’ll combat Alzheimer’s or something:

“I would make everybody learn two or three languages. Being trilingual is essential, it opens doors for you, opens your mind and helps you to avoid Alzheimer’s disease.”

Compared to the bitchy nuggets that have come out of Karl’s mouth before, those quotes aren’t bad. I guess he was saving his best cunty material for The New York Times.

The New York Times did a profile on 35-year-old Brad Kroenig, a male model who is part of Karl’s Boys. Karl’s Boys is a group of male models who follow him around the world. They claim that their relationship with Karl is strictly platonic and they don’t have to suck on his crypt keeper boner. The New York Times reporter tagged along as Brad went to Dubai with Karl. During the trip, the reporter asked Karl why his entourage is filled with male models.

Lagerfeld refers to Brad and the other models that travel with him as his family, albeit a self-selected, genetically ideal one. “I hate ugly people,” Lagerfeld told me. “Very depressing.”

If you’re thinking to yourself, “Bitch must hate himself then,” don’t say it out loud! He can hear you and he’ll punish you for saying that. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night staring at his white pot scrubber hair as he sucks the blood out of your chest. Besides, Kunty Karl doesn’t know what he looks like. Vampires can’t see themselves in mirrors. Duh.

Oh, It’s Just Miley Cyrus Flashing Her Fur-Covered Cooter For V Magazine

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Amateur hillbilly stripper chipmunk Miley Cyrus is on the cover of V Magazine’s “Rebel Issue”, which sort of makes sense, since she’s damn near re-wrote every chapter in the book of Former Disney Ho Rebellion. Slutty shower pics? Check. Smoking drugs? Check. Humping everything that moves? Check. More drugs? Oh, you betcha. The issue doesn’t come out until September 10th, but V Magazine decided to tease the cover a little early, because who wouldn’t want to see Miley laying on a pile of stuffed animals dressed like Beast Man’s skanky glue-sniffing half-sister?

But who’s responsible for this busted bowling alley claw game mess? Why that would be kunty tastemaker Karl Lagerfeld. Karl shot Miley and her Muppet fur-covered pork rinds for the cover, and it’s actually not the worst. Sure, it kind of looks like she’s posing for a sleazy ad that would run in the back pages of Sesame Street’s weekly free newspaper and, sure, that shark is giving “Help Me” eyes, but at least he managed to keep her clothes on, right?

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Oh, for fucks sakes! As usual, I spoke too soon. It appears that Karl Lagerfeld also took a picture of Miley reaching for a slice of poontang pie with her backwoods pudding balloons out, because of course he did! It probably wasn’t even his choice! I bet Karl was all ready to pack up his shit when a naked-ass Miley lept in front of the door like a freon-huffing gazelle and hollered “Where do you think you’re going, Gay Dracula? We ain’t even done no nudes yet!”. Meanwhile, cut to that pile of stuffed animals all silently wishing for the incinerator from Toy Story 3.

Pics: Instagram, ONTD

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