When I read that Mariah Carey performed a few numbers at a private party for Karl Lagerfeld on Monday night, I started seal clapping in glee at the thought of those two just taking separate corners of the Boom Boom Room to see who could give the most ‘tude in this self-absorbed Price Is Right Showcase Showdown. Who won round 1? Mimi, dahhhhhling! Continue reading
It’s been much too long since we’ve gotten a random feud that is like Valium for the soul, and thankfully Kunty Karl ended the drought by going after Meryl Streep about a couture dress. I’m not sure who I should direct my, “You in danger, girl,” comment at.
Did you lose out on the $100k Flamin’ Hot Harambe Cheeto and have been looking for something else to waste your money? Look no further, because Karl Lagerfeld has the perfect thing for you. Continue reading
Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis’ 17-year-old daughter Lily-Rose Depp closed today’s Chanel couture show in something that a rich southern belle would wear to her quinceañera in the 1980s. Lily-Rose looks like a school girl from the 1920s who’s in the middle of getting attacked by a pack of mutated shower puffs from the future. That dress looks like what you would get if you injected steroids into the knitted toilet paper cozy in your memaw’s guest bathroom.
Lily-Rose Depp is apparently Kunty Karl’s current muse and that’s why she wore the wedding dress at the Chanel show in Paris today. Two things:
- I once read an article about the world of couture, and a customer said that nobody asks how much that shit costs. If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. So based on that, I’m guessing that Kunty Karl knows of a billionaire 9-year-old girl who really needs a beyond-froofy froofy Barbie gown for the play wedding she’s having with her teddy bear. Because that’s who that dress is for.
- I hope that Lily-Rose learned how to run in that dress. Because I’m sure that when she and Kunty Karl got backstage, his vampire nostrils started to twitch and when his vampire nostrils start to switch, you better run before it’s too late. He smells your blood!
And here’s more of the Thoroughly Modern Millie’d up models (including a Jenner and a Hadid) at the Chanel couture show.
Kunty Karl can’t physically cry, but if he could, he wouldn’t shed one tear about Kim Kardashian reportedly getting robbed at gunpoint by jewel thieves. Karl basically told reporters after his Chanel show that when you drink Don Pérignon around Three Buck Chuck drinkers, you shouldn’t be surprised when one of them snatches your crystal champagne flute out of your hand. A spokesperson for the Paris police department also hit our eyeballs with a giant DUX (that’s French for “duh,” I checked) by saying that Kim was targeted by alleged thieves because she’s famous, rich and flashed her diamonds all over social media. Pimp Mama Kris, I mean, a family source, tells People that Kim isn’t blaming her pimp mom for choosing that one night to not have cameras on her. Kim is blaming herself.
Weird, right? As soon as I heard that Kim Kardashian was allegedly held at gunpoint by jewel thieves in Paree, I figured that Kunty Karl would immediately drop the virgin he was feeding upon and appear in a Chanel logo-shaped white cloud before her to comfort her. I mean, KK has photographed the lesser KK before, he scribbled out a note of support for her ass and he’s always the epitome of warmth. But if Karl did have a sympathetic bone in his regal vampire body, it wouldn’t feel a thing for Kim. In the Gospel According to Kunty Karl it states that if you’re going to flaunt that luxurious life in front of the peasants, you better protect that luxurious life with the damn A-Team.