And my definition is the loosest! I’m such a jaded fuck, I think anyone that goes out of their way to not be a raging asshole on purpose is a hero. An employee at McDonalds didn’t tell me to ‘eat shit’ when I asked for an extra ketchup packet? HERO. Seeing a car wait an extra 10 seconds while an old lady finished crossing the road? HERO. My shower had hot water? OMG SUCH HERO.
With that being said, I applaud Kunty Karl for taking a break from being the World’s Second Largest Undead Kunt (the title of First Largest is being reserved in the event Pimp Mama Kris dies and returns as a zombie) long enough to save Women’s Wear Daily editor Bridget Foley from the pain and anguish she suffered after being detained by customs officials in France. I know: quelle fucking horreur. Showbiz Spy says that Bridget Foley was on her way to the Paris couture shows when she was held up by French customs because her passport was nearly expired, then put in a holding cell before being taken to police. Despite intervention by her bosses at Condé Nast and the US Embassy, Bridget was detained for so long she missed the first day of couture shows in Paris (LE GASP).
Things for Bridget seemed hopeless until news spread to Karl Lagerfeld, who made a couple calls and sent his main Chanel bitch, Bruno Pavlovsky, to free her from a life of prison yard shankings and teardrop tattoos. Bridget Foley later wrote about her harrowing ordeal for Women’s Wear Daily by saying:
“My personal takeaway, should I ever be stopped by law enforcement personnel for anything, for crossing against the light, my first words will be ‘Officer, I’m so sorry.’ And my second: ‘I want to call a lawyer. Or Chanel.’ ”
Who does this bitch think Karl Lagerfeld is? Better Call Saul? Get real Bridget; Karl’s too busy drinking the blood of virgins with Choupette to get you out of a jaywalking ticket. She’s lucky she caught Karl at weak moment; an hour earlier or later and he would have been all: “What a pity. I certainly hope she looks good in orange.”
And today’s Important Life Lesson: France does not fuck around when it comes to passports and will Brokedown Palace your ass.
Linda Grey as Sue Ellen Ewing
Charlene Tilton as Lucy Ewing
Barney Bush’s ghost
Chase from The A-List Dallas
Gary Busey’s teeth
Papa Joe Simpson
A chewed-up piece of deep fried butter
Those are all beauties who are either from Texas or affiliated with the state of Texas in some way and any one of them would be a better choice for the face of Chanel’s Paris-Dallas collection than emo-faced Kirsten Stewart. Kunty Karl debuted his Texas-inspired métiers d’art collection (whatever that means) at Dallas Fair Park last night and he also announced that his new muse is as dead inside as he is. Kunty Karl needs to switch the brand of children’s hair he’s smoking, because his new shit is obviously doing crazy things to his zombie brains. Okay, okay, maybe Kunty Karl chose Kristen Stewart, because she makes him look alive in comparison. And judging by the crap she wore to the show in Dallas last night, I think he might hate her more than he hates a fat, ugly baby who eats food.
Really, WHAT IN THE HELL KIND OF GD OUTFIT IS THAT?!
That is the fanciest and ugliest period outfit I’ve ever seen. It’s giving me cramps in my eyeballs. This is some Orange is the New Barf shit. It’s like a cross between a leather prison jumpsuit (they wear that at the Kanye West State Penitentiary), a pair of RUN-DMC’s old pants and an orange biohazard waste trash bag.
And now that I think about it and have seen the tacky, ugly hoedown wear from the collection, I can’t wait to hate on this campaign when it comes out next year. Keep on trolling, Kunty Karl!
(Pic via Getty)
Insert ten coliseums full of echoing cackles here.
Kanye West is still straining every muscle in his gold-leafed anus to turn trash heap heffa Kim Kartrashian into some kind of high fashion icon and he got Kunty Karl, Carine Roitfeld and his favorite snuggle time partner Riccardo Tisci to help him make it happen. Kim is the brain dead child beauty queen to Kanye’s crazy stage mother. Carine put a knocked up Kim on the cover of the third issue of her CR Fashion Book and the inside spread was art directed by Riccardo Tisci and shot by Kunty Karl. In almost every picture, you can hear Riccardo and Kunty Karl screaming, “I HATE THIS TRICK!” If every picture tells a story, then in every picture Riccardo and Karl are telling us the story of how they gave up.
I love it all and I really love that picture above. Bitch looks so stupid. She looks like a pregnant OctoMom as a slutty mime from the 90s. It looks like she’s lying on a black wheelbarrow and that “HUH?” look in her face tells me that Kunty Karl asked her what 2 + 2 is.
And honestly, here’s the best picture of them all:
It was really brave of Kim to show us the rhinestone mask that Kanye makes her wear when she wants to kiss him. The secret to their relationship is Kim wearing a mask that Kanye can see his own sparkling reflection in.
And if you’re behind on your eye roll exercises today, here’s a quote from Carine that will help you to catch you up: “This is not something for a gossip magazine that goes into the trash. This is a magazine that is a collector’s item.” Yes, it’s the perfect piece for any comedy memorabilia collector.
Fancy fashion type and Harper’s Bazaar’s Global Fashion Director Carine Roitfeld styled and picked out women for her “Singular Beauties” spread, which was supposed to pay homage to the diversity of women. But the only thing I see it paying homage to is fuckery. Case in point: Gabourey Sidibe’s picture.
I don’t know if Gabourey is saying, “STOP IN THE NAME OF FOOLERY,” or if she’s just saying “Stop!“, but they should’ve definitely listened to her, because this picture should’ve never made it out of the camera and should’ve died by the hand of the delete button. I don’t even know what’s going on in that picture. It’s like the weirdest game of charades ever. Karl Lagerfeld shot all of the pictures in Carine’s spread, so now it all makes sense. Carine and Kunty Karl probably told Gabourey to show up dressed like a volunteer theater usher. Then they put a red leather jacket (aka the only thing they had in her size) on her and when that didn’t work, Kunty Karl sighed and screamed at his minions just to throw a curtain over her and be done with it. Kunty Karl wanted to get Gabourey out of his sight, because just like food, the living and happiness, fat people are his rivals. Getting Kunty Karl to photograph a fat person is like getting Paula Deen to cater a Black Panther luncheon. It’s not going to end well and it didn’t.
And here’s a few more of Harper’s “Singular Beauties” spread (click here to see them all). It really is paying homage to fuckery, because ScarJo made the cover of Harper’s Bazaar Australia and they declared her the “modern Marilyn.” Yes, they said that and they said it during the anniversary of Marilyn’s death! Harper’s really needs to switch dealers, because the stuff they’re snorting is the wrong stuff.
On the left is RiRi at the Chanel couture show in Paris today. On the right is a front yard Scrooge statue holding a lantern. Had RiRi accessorized her old man nightgown with a nightcap and a lantern, and had a look on her face like she was searching the darkness for spirits, she would’ve won this. But she didn’t, so game point goes to the Scrooge statute!
Since we’re on the subject of old man nightgowns… (Note: I might’ve told this story before. Stoned messes tend to repeat themselves a lot.) When I was in the third or fourth grade, my school friends and I went door-to-door selling Helen Grace eggs during Easter times. One of my friends’ mom came with us and stood at the sidewalk while went up to the door. We went to this one house where an 80-something couple lived. The pepaw came to the door wearing a button down nightgown like RiRi’s, except his was short and burgundy. Ole’ dude should’ve kept a pair of chonies by the front door so he wouldn’t give his visitors a peek of his soft-boiled huevos when he answered the door. His wrinkled nuts were hanging out of his shorty robe. I don’t think he knew, but it was still highly inappropriate and ILLEGAL! We turned around and ran to my friend’s mom as though the face of Freddy Krueger was on that old dude’s nuts.
So when I see RiRi in a nightgown all I see are wrinkly white man nuts. Thank you for traumatizing me again, RiRi.
The soulless vampires of the underworld were left confused about the meaning of their lives when their king, Kunty Karl, said that he feels actual love toward his pussy Choupette. The future of evil was in doubt when a heartless ghoul like Kunty Karl declared love for a living thing. But every heartless creature can breathe a cold sight of relief, because Kunty Karl is back to being a ridiculous kunt.
During the same interview where Karl said he wants to make Choupette his wife, CNN’s Alina Cho asked him about Adele, whom he said was “a little too fat.” The current reigning King of Kunts and former fatty said this about current day Adele:
“I never said that she was fat, I said that she was a little roundish; a little roundish is not fat. But for such a beautiful girl, after that she lost eight kilo so I think the message was not that bad.”
So Karl called Adele fat and she lost weight. Yet all of us have been calling Karl a mega kunt for years and he’s still a mega kunt. I guess there’s an exception to every rule and thank the dark lords for that, because where would we be without Karl’s words of wisdom?
But really, Karl is truly on to something. If you’ve been trying to lose some chunk, just stand in front of Karl and feel your insides shrivel as he slurps the edges of your soul while calling you “roundish” over and over again. Staring deep into Karl’s puckering zombie anus face will keep you off of food for a while, because you’ll be too traumatized and scared to get out from under your bed covers and you won’t go to the kitchen for a while. The pounds will drop off. It’s the Kunty Karl diet!
Kunty Karl traded his heart in for the throne of Chanel and his insides are as ice cold as a penguin’s clit, but yet he still feels warmth toward his pet cat. Choupette Lagerfeld has her own maids who keep a diary of her daily activities, she flies on her daddy’s private jet, she eats better than Goopy Paltrow does AND she has the love of a ghoul who didn’t know he had the ability to actually feel feelings for a living thing. Choupette really does have it all and if Karl had his way, she’d have a wedding ring too! Karl tells CNN’s Fashion Week: Backstage Pass (via The Independent) that he loves Choupette so much that he wants to marry her. Yes, Kunty Karl wants to marry his pussy.
“There is no marriage, yet, for human beings and animals… I never thought that I would fall in love like this with a cat.”
I never thought that Kunty Karl would fall in love with ANYTHING. How is it possible that he looks at Choupette and sees hearts and rainbows instead of seeing a Chanel stole he can sell to an Upper East Side ho for thousands upon thousands of dollars? Choupette has turned Kunty Karl into a crazy cat lady. Soon he’ll making cock cozies out of her fur.
We all know what’s going to happen next. Karl is going to get the French government to pass a law making it okay for humans to marry cats. He’ll marry Choupette, Choupette will set him up by getting a younger pussy to hit on him, she’ll divorce him and she’ll get half of his empire. Karl will be too heartbroken to design another dress and he’ll spend his days caressing a lock of her fur in a dark corner. Damn, Choupette is good. I bet she works for one of Karl’s enemies like Donatella Versace or Harry Potter.
*Please put your michelleobamaeyeroll.gif on standby*
Kunty Karl hates Michelle Obama’s bangs.
Kunty Karl’s opinion on beauty and style is the only opinion on beauty and style I care about, because a soul sucker with hair like batting from JoAnn’s Fabrics KNOWS beauty and style. The French TV show Le Petit Journal had the Forbidden Forest’s most beautiful ghoul on to talk about Paris Fashion Week and while he was there they asked him for his thoughts on Michelle Obama’s new bangs. Karl is not impressed and said that Michelle Obama now has news anchor hair. via Vanity Fair:
“I don’t understand the change of hair . . . Frankly, the fringe was a bad idea. It’s not good.” He also noted that Mrs. Obama now resembles “une speakerine de LCI,” or an anchor on the French news network LCI. Although Lagerfeld has made unpopular statements about beloved pop-culture figures in the past, the Michelle Obama–bang harangue is especially surprising considering that the designer once identified himself as “a big fan of Mrs. Obama.” Particularly, he specified, a fan of her face. “I think, [it] is magical,” he told Metro World News last February. “[Barack Obama] would not be there without her.” Remarkably, the statement was not the first time Lagerfeld marveled at the First Lady’s visage. In 2011, he told USA Today, “I like her face, the cleverness of her face. Her face is stronger than the clothes.”
QUICK! Everybody, stuff your eatin’ hole with mounds of super-processed, corny syrup-filled, fat-summoning deliciousness while Michelle Obama isn’t looking. She can’t shove raw broccoli pieces down our throats, because she’s too busy taking a Flowbee to the bangs that Kunty Karl hates.
JLo must’ve been desperate for photographers to catch her having a touching and completely manufactured moment with her daughter Emme Anthony, because: a) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show in Paris? and; b) Who in the hell brings a 4-year-old to a boring ass fashion show where backstage in the darkness lies the Death Eaters’ house mother who keeps the mop of wires on his head glistening white by regularly dying it in the pure innocence of a child? JLo is so hard up for a photo-op that she doesn’t care if Kunty Karl syphons the youth and innocence out of her daughter. Oh well, I’m sure Emme wasn’t too scared of Kunty Karl. I mean, you get used to staring at the malnourished face of a functioning zombie when you spend every other weekend with Skeletor.
The front row at the Chanel show in Paris this morning smelled like desperation (from JLo), boredom (from Emme), soiled chonies (from Casper Smart, he still hasn’t earned his PtD, potty training degree, yet), freshly polished blue steel (from Karl’s 22-year-old human Baptiste Giabiconi) and fish (from Kanye). While Emme tried to keep from completely melting down into an impeccably dressed puddle of BORING, her mom’s adopted boy toy Casper Smart tried to not look at the hot piece that is Baptiste Giabiconi, because he didn’t want to further embarrass his sugar mami by having a cream pie moment in his panties.
And if you’re thinking that Suri Cruise and Harper Seven Beckham must be spitting jealousy over this, STOP! Harper Seven Beckham privately viewed this collection in her penthouse suite at The Ritz LAST WEEK. And Suri Cruise already gave this collection to her maid’s daughter, because she owned and wore all of it weeks ago!
Oh, it’s been much too long since we’ve all frozen our finger tips on the ice cold cuntiness that pours out of Kunty Karl’s ghoulish prune lips when he comes for a bitch. This newest ice pick of words from the Grand Dame Bitch of the House of the Death Eaters comes from The Sun and normally I look at anything that comes from The Sun with suspect eyes, but Kunty Karl would totally say this. It’s practically stamped with a platinum certified cunt seal. (FYI: The platinum certified cunt seal is a picture of Choupette Lagerfeld winking.) As Karl ran his fingers through the mop of cob webs on top of his head, he shat out this piece of pot kettle pricelessness about the Middleton sisters:
“Kate Middleton has a nice silhouette and she is the right girl for that boy. I like that kind of woman, I like romantic beauties. On the other hand, her sister struggles. I don’t like the sister’s face. She should only show her back.”
Kunty Karl slapped her down like that. Damn. That crypt keeper went IN on her. That’s like a poem by Yeats if Yeats was a straight-up, black-hearted harsh bitch who had his soul removed because it made him look fat. But I’m sure Karl will make it up to Pippa by sending her an apology gift in the form of a $50,000 Chanel bag made out of pink dolphin leather with a note written in his black blood that says: “This would look good over your head. Kisses, KK“. Pippa should really take that as a compliment, because if Kunty Karl doesn’t like her face then that means he’ll never slurp blood from her neck veins. Bitch is lucky. Although, he might slurp blood from her butt veins……