You probably remember that back in May, the cast of Arrested Development sat down for an interview for The New York Times which ended with Jessica Walter in tears. She was trying to talk about Jeffrey Tambor being a rageaholic asshole to her on set, and Jason Bateman, Tony Hale, and David Cross were practically tripping over each other to rush to his defense. People were rightfully outraged. One such person was Thomas Sadoski. Now, before you start practicing your owl calls, I’ll remind you that he is Amanda Seyfried‘s husband. Apparently, Thomas rushed to Jessica’s defense on Instagram as soon as he heard about it, and read the boys for filth. But if an owl hoots in the woods and there’s nobody following him, does it even count? But I guess somebody must have seen it because Amanda claims that he recently lost out on a job because of it.
You would think being married to one of the founders and most vocal proponents of the Time’s Up movement might have some added benefits such as, helping you develop a more nuanced understanding of sexual politics in the workplace, or, how to craft a winning apology. But apparently that’s not how it works in the Tamblyn-Cross household. David Cross is taking heat for his participation in that New York Times interview with the cast of Arrested Development that should have been called “How To Sink A Show Before It Even Airs”.
When seven cast members of Arrested Development recently sat down with The New York Times for an interview about the upcoming fifth season, I’m sure they all thought they’d have a great time. (Ron Howard voice) They did not. Jason Bateman came to the defense of on-set jerk Jeffrey Tambor, and while doing so, he simultaneously took a hot cornballer shit all over Jessica Walter’s feelings.
Here’s a real yucky one for you! It must be Friday. Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka have confirmed a story about hotelier André Balazs being an alleged dirty rotten pussy grabber. Not for nothin’, André, who owns The Standard hotels and the Chateau Marmont, used to date both Uma Thurman and Chelsea Handler. Say what now?
Just two days after Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux (which caused the makers of the the boyfriend pillow to close shop since there’s no use for their company anymore), we have learned all sorts of thrilling details about the wedding and honeymoon. I know you really care.
UsWeekly says that Courteney Cox was Jennifer’s maid of honor and Lake Bell’s husband was Justin’s best man. During the reception, Sia sang some songs, Lindsay Lohan’s former partner in pussy Samantha Ronson
DJ’d pressed the play button on her iPod touch, everyone ate pasta and Uncle Terry took the pictures. (I can’t wait to see the pictures of him fucking the wedding cake.) TMZ says that Jennifer and Justin kept everything on the shush by using a vacant $10.7 million house next door to hers to hide all the tables, chairs and decorations for the reception. She had a temporary pathway built from the vacant house to her house so workers could transport everything without the paps finding out.
The day after the wedding, Justin, Jennifer and their friends got on a private jet headed for Bora Bora. People says that Jennifer and Justin are also in Bora Bora to celebrate his 44th birthday, so they asked a bunch of friends to come along. Chelsea Handler, Courteney Cox, her man, Jason Bateman and his wife all tagged along for Jennifer and Justin’s honeymoon/birthday party. UsWeekly says that everyone is staying at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is a good sugar mama, because they celebrated Justin’s birthday in Bora Bora last year too.
Basically, all those words I typed above add up to one simple fact: Bitch is RICH as shit. Specifically, she’s as rich as Oprah’s shit since Oprah shits pure gold and diamonds.
At first I thought that a group honeymoon (which I guess is like group sex without the sex) sounded kind of a fun, because looking at the same face every day for a week can get boring. But then I saw grainy pictures of the group. Children came along! That sounds like a nightmare in paradise. Not only does Jennifer have to deal with screaming children, but she also has to deal with seeing Chelsea Handler strut her naked body all over the place since Chelsea doesn’t wear clothes anymore. If I was Jennifer I’d be afraid that there wasn’t enough booze on the island for me to deal with that shit.
And if you want to see a picture of Jennifer and Justin in Bora Bora, People has one. It’s so clear! It looks like a Monet painting of two turnips in hats.
Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.
“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant'” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. “I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”
Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.
By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?