Here’s a real yucky one for you! It must be Friday. Jason Bateman and his wife Amanda Anka have confirmed a story about hotelier André Balazs being an alleged dirty rotten pussy grabber. Not for nothin’, André, who owns The Standard hotels and the Chateau Marmont, used to date both Uma Thurman and Chelsea Handler. Say what now?
Just two days after Jennifer Aniston got married to Justin Theroux (which caused the makers of the the boyfriend pillow to close shop since there’s no use for their company anymore), we have learned all sorts of thrilling details about the wedding and honeymoon. I know you really care.
UsWeekly says that Courteney Cox was Jennifer’s maid of honor and Lake Bell’s husband was Justin’s best man. During the reception, Sia sang some songs, Lindsay Lohan’s former partner in pussy Samantha Ronson
DJ’d pressed the play button on her iPod touch, everyone ate pasta and Uncle Terry took the pictures. (I can’t wait to see the pictures of him fucking the wedding cake.) TMZ says that Jennifer and Justin kept everything on the shush by using a vacant $10.7 million house next door to hers to hide all the tables, chairs and decorations for the reception. She had a temporary pathway built from the vacant house to her house so workers could transport everything without the paps finding out.
The day after the wedding, Justin, Jennifer and their friends got on a private jet headed for Bora Bora. People says that Jennifer and Justin are also in Bora Bora to celebrate his 44th birthday, so they asked a bunch of friends to come along. Chelsea Handler, Courteney Cox, her man, Jason Bateman and his wife all tagged along for Jennifer and Justin’s honeymoon/birthday party. UsWeekly says that everyone is staying at the Four Seasons. Jennifer is a good sugar mama, because they celebrated Justin’s birthday in Bora Bora last year too.
Basically, all those words I typed above add up to one simple fact: Bitch is RICH as shit. Specifically, she’s as rich as Oprah’s shit since Oprah shits pure gold and diamonds.
At first I thought that a group honeymoon (which I guess is like group sex without the sex) sounded kind of a fun, because looking at the same face every day for a week can get boring. But then I saw grainy pictures of the group. Children came along! That sounds like a nightmare in paradise. Not only does Jennifer have to deal with screaming children, but she also has to deal with seeing Chelsea Handler strut her naked body all over the place since Chelsea doesn’t wear clothes anymore. If I was Jennifer I’d be afraid that there wasn’t enough booze on the island for me to deal with that shit.
And if you want to see a picture of Jennifer and Justin in Bora Bora, People has one. It’s so clear! It looks like a Monet painting of two turnips in hats.
Now you know the name of the person to which you can send that muffin basket; I’m sure you want to say a proper thank you for this gorgeous public mouth-humping moment between Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell. Frito Pendejo’s past life self Dax Shepard recently told People that if it weren’t for his friend Jason Bateman pressuring him like an old timey hillbilly with a shotgun to marry his girlfriend Kristen Bell, it might never have happened.
“Jason was first to go, ‘Stop fucking around and marry Kristen’. You immediately transitioned into ‘Get her pregnant'” Shepard continued while standing next to his friend. “I would say you were at the very forefront of cracking the whip on that. And you were dead right.”
Now that we know Jason Bateman has some kind of weird mind control over Dax Shepard and is able to get him to do whatever he says, if I were Kristen Bell, I would be using that to my advantage. For example, like Kristen, I too go nuts for sloths, so my first order of business would be instructing Jason Bateman to convince Dax to buy a sloth. Then another. Then an entire sloth sanctuary. From the window to the wall, sloths dripping down from the ceiling like little furry slow-moving Cirque du Soleil performers.
By the way, if Jason Bateman is taking requests, do you think it would it be too much trouble to ask him if he could convince Dax Shepard to take his shirt off more often?
I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.
Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.
She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always a classic.
Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.
The London premiere of Horrible Bosses 2 happened on Wednesday night, and in case it’s not obvious, this isn’t the movie Jennifer Aniston is hoping to get nominated for an OSCAH for. Serious film actress Jennifer Aniston walks the red carpet in a tasteful black dress with her hair pulled back into a contemplative low chignon, whereas Horrible Bosses 2 actress Jennifer Aniston rolls up with her hair down and her right tit out. You know what? I don’t even care that it’s covered in fabric; one titty out is always the look.
Jenny’s titty dress is like a piece of abstract art. That weird cut-out can be interpreted in so many different ways! Is it an upside-down tube of lipstick? A ketchup-dipped french fry? A cartoon dog boner? The severed finger from Miley Cyrus’ VMA foam hand? I think I’m going to go with cartoon dog boner. Or maybe I’m supposed to be focusing on the negative space? Fuck, art is hard.
But as much as I love that Jenny is showing off her right titty, I’m also a little sad for her left titty. Poor left titty, hidden away behind all that fabric. I bet left titty feels left out.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston and her modest orange titty in London last night, as well as her Horrible Bosses 2 co-stars and a bunch of British “Who??”s, because it ain’t a British red carpet without the appearance of someone random chick from TOWIE:
Nothing brings me more joy than hearing a tiny human talk about Elmo using the kind of language that would make your raunchiest trailer park aunt blush. It’s an enjoyable kind of trashy, like referring to toilet paper as “ass rag” or deep-fried Mountain Dew sandwiches. And it sounds like Jason Bateman agrees, because in a recent GQ+A interview about his new film Bad Words, Jason talked about how familiar his daughter Maple Bateman is with Class-4 expletives:
GQ: Do you actually swear anywhere near as often as your character?
Jason Bateman: I tend to use as many as I can think of. I don’t do it around my 7-year-old, but I do around my 2-year-old, because she doesn’t know what the hell I’m saying yet.
GQ: What’s your go-to swear word?
Jason Bateman: Motherfucker is pretty good.
Motherfucker is pretty good, especially when the situation calls for it, but sadly it’s one of those words that will get you a non-verbal side-eye beat down from strangers if you say it in public. It’s the catchiest of 22’s: you accidentally sit down in a urine-soaked bus seat, or some clueless trick runs over your foot with a shopping cart, and you’re not able to let out a good motherfucker because out of the corner of your eye you spot the little ears of an innocent chirrun, so instead you have to use some made-up shit like muffin puffer or mother father chinese dentist. I know; these are the real tragedies.
But more importantly than his gloriously casual use of the word motherfucker…Jason Bateman named his daughter MAPLE BATEMAN?? Bless him and his wife for gifting her with such a delicious sounding name. Maple Bateman? More like Maple Bacon. I need to stop thinking about Maple Bateman’s name; I just imagined a maple bacon pancake stick swaddled in a baby blanket, and that’s all kinds of wrong.