Well, now I get why Ben Affleck wasn’t feeling very festive at the Grammys, and it had nothing to do with his relationship with Jennifer Lopez. I have just watched the trailer for Ben’s upcoming film Air, which he directed and which stars his work wife, Matt Damon, and if you had put your heart and soul into the work, and even went so far as to give yourself the same Ogilvie Home Perm my mom used to rock back in the day, and this was the result? Well, then, you’d look miserable too. The movie is about two Nike bros who save the ailing company by exploiting Michael Jordan’s popularity. I know Viola Davis, who plays MJ’s mom in this, looked perfectly happy at the Grammys, but she probably only had to roll through for a couple of hours for her scenes. She’s not that invested, and why should she be? She already done had herses (EGOT). So naturally she wasn’t clenching her ass cheeks all night waiting for the trailer about the other shoe to drop. But Ben earned his misery fair and square.
I’ve often fantasized about receiving free shit in the mail that I have no moral obligation to return but hearing Simone Boutet of Oak Park Illinois’ ongoing Saga of the Ugly Shoes, I’ve had to think twice about what I try to manifest into my life. According to ABC7, over the past year, Simone has been receiving mysterious UPS shipments containing “really, really, really tacky” women’s shoes. The shipments are from Amazon customers trying to return them to a seller in China, but the address on the return label provided by Amazon simply reads “RETURNS DEPARTMENT, Simone, Elm Street, Chicago.” Simone has made numerous attempts to return the shoes back to UPS, but has been playing an absurd game of whack-a-mule because UPS keeps “correcting” the address to read “Simone, Oak Park.” and shipping them right on back to her. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to legally change my name to RETURNS DEPARTMENT, CVS Pharmacy, Good Shit Only.
In People-Really-Will-Buy-Anything News, a shoe created to mock “collab culture” which cost almost $1,425 sold out in minutes. Yes: the design company MSCHF decided to make a statement and gag the public, and instead they got gagged themselves by sort of accidentally making a huge monetary success out of a prank. Enter: the highly expensive “Jesus Shoes”.
Many people are donning face masks and running the opposite direction of human cootie Louis C.K. after the New York Times article accusing him of sexual misconduct blew up his spot. For years, rumors have been emanating from him like the little stink squiggles coming off of Pig Pen’s head. Yet his career continued to blossom and grow. Well, those halcyon days are over now. The New York Times is now reporting that HBO has taken a hard line with Louis and have basically cancelled his entire ass.