I don’t want anybody to get too excited: The prediction I’m about to make may be premature, as it is based solely on the pretentious Art fumes wafting off of Zoë Kravitz’ recent interview with GQ in which she touches on falling in love with Channing Tatum, the star of her upcoming feminist directorial debut, over their shared passion for Art, not long after the dissolution of her marriage Karl Glusman, and disputes the idea that “nepo babies” are any different from regular babies that go into the same business as their parents. I mean, I obviously hope and pray that we have another Don’t Worry Darling situation on our hands with Pussy Island, but I’m not quite ready to start taking bets. I know the odds are grim, so for now, I’m just floating the idea in case I get the chance to scream, “I TOLD YOU SO!” when, a year from now, we’re all losing our collective shit when Geena Davis shows up late to the Venice Film Festival swirling an Aperol Spritz.
One of the more random bits of celebrity dating gossip that happened last decade was the rumor that 58-year-old Brad Pitt was dating 32-year-old Alia Shawkat. Of course, nothing came from the rumors. Even Alia herself decided to finally comment on them, and explain that no matter what whispers people were hearing, she was definitely not dating her “friend” Brad Pitt. But for that brief period of time where celebrity gossip was set ablaze with rumors of Bralia or Shitt, Brad Pitt remained blissfully unaware of it all.
The jig is up! 56-year-old William Bradley Pitt’s been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar. This particular cookie jar belongs to 27-year-old German model Nicole Poturalkski who was seen kissing William Bradley as the pair traveled by private jet from Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris to his Chateau Miraval estate in the south of France. Yes, the same estate where the judge who Brad’s mostly ex-wife Angelina Jolie is trying to get fired from their divorce case, married them back in 2014. Oh, and by the way, Nicole is said to look a touch like Angie. Wow, did you feel that? I don’t know about you but I just felt the temperature in the air drop by like 20 degrees. Because while Angie might not give a shit, I’m sure Odile Soudant, the French lighting designer who is currently suing Brad for credit on the work she did on Chateau Miraval, is none too pleased! A pox upon your (electrical) box, Pitt!
People started whispering about Brad Pitt and his alleged friend Alia Shawkat back in November, and the whispers continue. Except the whispers are often accompanied by confused shrugs and words like, “…I guess?” (at the very least there was a plethora of Maeby jokes). But Alia has recently made it very clear that she and Brad aren’t dating, and that they really are just friends.
Last week during a video conference with the Surgeon General of California, Angelina Jolie encouraged people to “check in with each other” during the ongoing coronavirus isolation situation. I’m guessing Alia Shawkat heard that and thought, “Sounds good, I’ll start with your ex.” And she might have taken the suggestion literally, because she was seen on Saturday leaving Brad Pitt’s gated community on her bike.
Ever since wrapping up a very successful awards season, William Bradley Pitt has retired to his pottery studio to escape the spotlight, making only occasional forays out into the world to attend concerts and eat In-N-Out with Alia Shawkat, his artistic young friend with a severe haircut. Despite rumors to the contrary, Brad insists that he and Alia are just friends, and I believe him. Brad’s one true love is obviously his carefully curated collection of hobo hats.