When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
Although to be fair, when you have a lot of friends and a lot of ex-boyfriends, it’s probably bound to happen sooner or later. Last night was Gigi Hadid’s 21st birthday, and because Gigi is famous, it’s not exactly a surprise that her party was packed with famous people. The most important of which was Gigi’s squad leader, Taylor Swift. I say “important“, because unless you want to find your ass on the other side of a “Bad Blood“-style song, the first birthday party invitation you send out is to Taylor.
Jaden Smith has already done many things for this planet in just 17 years. (Well, his body is 17. The spirit that inhabits his human shell is a 500,000-year-old alien who came to earth, wandered through the land we call Mexico and died, leaving his corpse behind, which later turned into a peyote cactus. True story.) Jaden Smith made the world a more enlightened place by being born. Jaden Smith has opened up our minds with thoughts like, “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” And Jaden Smith has shown the youngins’ that there’s nothing wrong with a boy in a dress. But Jaden has much bigger plans for this planet. Jaden wants to fix it. “Fix it, Jaden” is the new “Fix it, Jesus.”
Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.
Actor, rapper, down-low Scientologist, rich kid, world-renowned scientist, inventor of gender fluidity, Twitter poet, stoned toddler and reincarnation of Moses, Jaden Smith, can add the title of “supermodel” to his resume now. The 17-year-old genderless Galileo was named the new face of Louis Vuitton Women’s Spring/Summer 2016 campaign. Louis Vuitton’s creative director, Nicolas Ghesquiere, posted a picture on Instagram of a coma eye’d Jaden wearing a skirt and a shirt made out of my abuelita’s macrame plant holder while posing next to three models who look like Charlie’s Angels if Charlie’s Angels were hungry alien praying mantises from a faraway planet where happiness doesn’t exist. I thought the model all the way to the left was The Curious Case of Ali Lohan until I realized that’s impossible. If Ali Lohan shot a Louis Vuitton campaign, Page Six would’ve already posted a story about how Dina “White Oprah” Lohan slurred out the words,” Do yooze know who I am? My daughter is the fashe of Louise Veetwan,” as she got kicked out of a club on Long Island.
Nicholas added this little note on Instagram:
“Happy to introduce Jaden Smith @christiaingrey in the new SS16 @louisvuitton ad Campaign photographed by Bruce Weber.”
Jaden Smith’s Instagram name is @christiangrey, which only makes sense because it came from the mind of Jaden Smith.
You know, I am all for this, because the more time Jaden Smith spends enlightening the modeling world with his sleep walking poses, the less time he’ll have to make more cinematic turds. It’s a good thing.
And here’s another one of Jaden without his Not-So-Mighty Power Rangers:
We’re all probably rolling our eyes at this pose. Jaden and Louis Vuitton probably think that pose is super high fashion, but please. All of us do that pose when we fall asleep while typing at our desks on a Monday morning.
Those of us who have read any of Jaden Smith’s interviews or tweets know that his words and thoughts are otherworldly star beams that lift our consciousness above the universe where it dances with the breaths of aliens to the sound of humming UFO engines. (I know, I should switch my weed strain or stop reading Jaden Smith quotes.) If a short Jaden Smith interview can do that to a person, imagine what an entire book of his thoughts will be able to do.
Amazon will soon stop carrying the works of Plato, Nietzsche and Confucius, because Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s child is apparently writing a philosophy book and it will become the only philosophy book this world needs. A source tells UsWeekly that 17-year-old homeschool student Jaden Smith, who is well on his way to becoming valedictorian of his class of 1, is currently writing a collection of essays. The source says that Jaden thinks he’s the new Sylvia Browne, because he can feel spirits from other dimensions. Jaden also hopes that his book will turn him into the teenage Dalai Lama of Calabasas.
“Jaden sees himself as a modern-day prophet and is working on a collection of essays. They’re new takes on string theory and chaos theory, but more mystical. Jaden thinks he has spiritual ties to people in other dimensions and galaxies, and they are helping him write. He hopes to have a spiritual following when he releases these.”
So basically, he’s writing Dianetics for Kids!
See, this is what happens when you mix together a privileged rich kid, Scientology, zero discipline and a never-ending supply of the good shit. You get a future cult leader who will preach to his followers about his hot take on chaos theory as they shop for jersey t-shirt dresses and get froyo. And I will be really disappointed in Jaden if the pages of his philosophy book aren’t infused with weed.
Yep, you guessed it: even more Deep Thoughts, courtesy of wealthy teenage philosopher Jaden Smith. Will and Jada’s kid was recently named one of TIME magazine’s 30 Most Influential Teens of 2015, a list that also includes Kylie and Kendall Jenner, so…that should tell you everything you need to know about that. TIME also talked to Jaden, because apparently TIME wanted to get the kind of high that comes from a drug called “Jaden Smith opening his mouth and letting thoughts fall out.”
Jaden Smith clearly had some nuggets of potent crazy left over from his recent interview with GQ. So when TIME was ready, Jaden the Influential Teen asked them to find a comfortable spot on the floor away from any sharp objects, set their Facebook status to “Away“, and get ready to fly high on the physical manifestation of the word bonkers.
The answer to the question, “What happens when you give children of the 1% as much weed as they want and let them school themselves?”, was answered last year when Jaden Smith and Willow Smith did a brain-melting interview with T Magazine where they went on about prana energy and metaphysics. If you figured then that Jaden would one day switch his strain and outgrow that phase, you were wrong, because it’s a year later and his 17-year-old brain is still spitting out nuggets of solid foolery. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s son did an interview with GQ, for some reason, and he brought us into his world of pyramids and science. If HBO ever decides to do a season of True Detective in space, they should get Jaden Smith to write the script.
Who knew that Deborah Norville from Inside Edition and that cunt-hearted Hungarian cameralady who tripped those Syrian refugees trained together at the Crazy Bitch Journalist Academy?
Publicists, models, reporters, celebrities and anybody else who dares to step on the same red carpet as Deborah Norville better beware and better come prepared. If you see Debbie The Terrible with a mic in her hand and a camera in her face, you better grab a taser, put on some armor and proceed at your own risk, because she will kick you down if you screw with her shot. Page Six says that Deborah Norville, who has been on Inside Edition since practically the beginning of time, worked a Harper’s Bazaar party in NYC on Wednesday night and a bunch of rude bitches did not give her the respect that she truly deserves.
A witness says that Deborah was interviewing celebrities for a sponsor and she slowly started to rage when rude ass model after rude ass model walked through her shot during filming. Deborah’s rage hit a boiling point and she snapped when a publicist walked through. While keeping a manufactured smile glued onto her face, Deborah kicked the publicist and kept on, kept on…
She’d had enough when “a publicist walked through her shot while she was talking to Jean-Paul Goude,” and “Deborah took out all her anger. She kicked the woman, hard, all while continuing to smile for the camera and ask questions,” a shocked spy said.
Deborah’s terror on the red carpet didn’t end there. The witness says she also hijacked interviews from other reporters:
“A celeb would be going to talk to someone and [Norville] would just bust in, ‘I’m Deborah Norville!’ You’d think it was the Oscars . . . or ‘The Hunger Games,’ ” sniffed a witness. “[She was] practically tackling celebrities.”
Not only was Deborah tackling “celebrities,” but she was also mistaking them for their sister. Deborah apparently screamed “Willow!” when Jaden Smith walked by.
Everybody in this story but Deborah Norville is in the wrong. Interviewing Zzz-listers at some stupid fashion party is a serious and competitive game and you gotta be in it to win it. Deborah is not the one and everyone is lucky she didn’t bring one of her double pointed knitting needles with her. Because she would’ve definitely cut a whore up and stepped over their corpse to interview someone from a show on The CW.
And here’s Ireland Baldwin and Willow Smith outside of that Harper’s Bazaar party.
It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.
Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.
I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.
— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015
They all look like sad used condoms.
Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…