Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.
Actor, rapper, down-low Scientologist, rich kid, world-renowned scientist, inventor of gender fluidity, Twitter poet, stoned toddler and reincarnation of Moses, Jaden Smith, can add the title of “supermodel” to his resume now. The 17-year-old genderless Galileo was named the new face of Louis Vuitton Women’s Spring/Summer 2016 campaign. Louis Vuitton’s creative director, Nicolas Ghesquiere, posted a picture on Instagram of a coma eye’d Jaden wearing a skirt and a shirt made out of my abuelita’s macrame plant holder while posing next to three models who look like Charlie’s Angels if Charlie’s Angels were hungry alien praying mantises from a faraway planet where happiness doesn’t exist. I thought the model all the way to the left was The Curious Case of Ali Lohan until I realized that’s impossible. If Ali Lohan shot a Louis Vuitton campaign, Page Six would’ve already posted a story about how Dina “White Oprah” Lohan slurred out the words,” Do yooze know who I am? My daughter is the fashe of Louise Veetwan,” as she got kicked out of a club on Long Island.
Nicholas added this little note on Instagram:
“Happy to introduce Jaden Smith @christiaingrey in the new SS16 @louisvuitton ad Campaign photographed by Bruce Weber.”
Jaden Smith’s Instagram name is @christiangrey, which only makes sense because it came from the mind of Jaden Smith.
You know, I am all for this, because the more time Jaden Smith spends enlightening the modeling world with his sleep walking poses, the less time he’ll have to make more cinematic turds. It’s a good thing.
And here’s another one of Jaden without his Not-So-Mighty Power Rangers:
We’re all probably rolling our eyes at this pose. Jaden and Louis Vuitton probably think that pose is super high fashion, but please. All of us do that pose when we fall asleep while typing at our desks on a Monday morning.
Those of us who have read any of Jaden Smith’s interviews or tweets know that his words and thoughts are otherworldly star beams that lift our consciousness above the universe where it dances with the breaths of aliens to the sound of humming UFO engines. (I know, I should switch my weed strain or stop reading Jaden Smith quotes.) If a short Jaden Smith interview can do that to a person, imagine what an entire book of his thoughts will be able to do.
Amazon will soon stop carrying the works of Plato, Nietzsche and Confucius, because Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s child is apparently writing a philosophy book and it will become the only philosophy book this world needs. A source tells UsWeekly that 17-year-old homeschool student Jaden Smith, who is well on his way to becoming valedictorian of his class of 1, is currently writing a collection of essays. The source says that Jaden thinks he’s the new Sylvia Browne, because he can feel spirits from other dimensions. Jaden also hopes that his book will turn him into the teenage Dalai Lama of Calabasas.
“Jaden sees himself as a modern-day prophet and is working on a collection of essays. They’re new takes on string theory and chaos theory, but more mystical. Jaden thinks he has spiritual ties to people in other dimensions and galaxies, and they are helping him write. He hopes to have a spiritual following when he releases these.”
So basically, he’s writing Dianetics for Kids!
See, this is what happens when you mix together a privileged rich kid, Scientology, zero discipline and a never-ending supply of the good shit. You get a future cult leader who will preach to his followers about his hot take on chaos theory as they shop for jersey t-shirt dresses and get froyo. And I will be really disappointed in Jaden if the pages of his philosophy book aren’t infused with weed.
Yep, you guessed it: even more Deep Thoughts, courtesy of wealthy teenage philosopher Jaden Smith. Will and Jada’s kid was recently named one of TIME magazine’s 30 Most Influential Teens of 2015, a list that also includes Kylie and Kendall Jenner, so…that should tell you everything you need to know about that. TIME also talked to Jaden, because apparently TIME wanted to get the kind of high that comes from a drug called “Jaden Smith opening his mouth and letting thoughts fall out.”
Jaden Smith clearly had some nuggets of potent crazy left over from his recent interview with GQ. So when TIME was ready, Jaden the Influential Teen asked them to find a comfortable spot on the floor away from any sharp objects, set their Facebook status to “Away“, and get ready to fly high on the physical manifestation of the word bonkers.
The answer to the question, “What happens when you give children of the 1% as much weed as they want and let them school themselves?”, was answered last year when Jaden Smith and Willow Smith did a brain-melting interview with T Magazine where they went on about prana energy and metaphysics. If you figured then that Jaden would one day switch his strain and outgrow that phase, you were wrong, because it’s a year later and his 17-year-old brain is still spitting out nuggets of solid foolery. Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s son did an interview with GQ, for some reason, and he brought us into his world of pyramids and science. If HBO ever decides to do a season of True Detective in space, they should get Jaden Smith to write the script.
Who knew that Deborah Norville from Inside Edition and that cunt-hearted Hungarian cameralady who tripped those Syrian refugees trained together at the Crazy Bitch Journalist Academy?
Publicists, models, reporters, celebrities and anybody else who dares to step on the same red carpet as Deborah Norville better beware and better come prepared. If you see Debbie The Terrible with a mic in her hand and a camera in her face, you better grab a taser, put on some armor and proceed at your own risk, because she will kick you down if you screw with her shot. Page Six says that Deborah Norville, who has been on Inside Edition since practically the beginning of time, worked a Harper’s Bazaar party in NYC on Wednesday night and a bunch of rude bitches did not give her the respect that she truly deserves.
A witness says that Deborah was interviewing celebrities for a sponsor and she slowly started to rage when rude ass model after rude ass model walked through her shot during filming. Deborah’s rage hit a boiling point and she snapped when a publicist walked through. While keeping a manufactured smile glued onto her face, Deborah kicked the publicist and kept on, kept on…
She’d had enough when “a publicist walked through her shot while she was talking to Jean-Paul Goude,” and “Deborah took out all her anger. She kicked the woman, hard, all while continuing to smile for the camera and ask questions,” a shocked spy said.
Deborah’s terror on the red carpet didn’t end there. The witness says she also hijacked interviews from other reporters:
“A celeb would be going to talk to someone and [Norville] would just bust in, ‘I’m Deborah Norville!’ You’d think it was the Oscars . . . or ‘The Hunger Games,’ ” sniffed a witness. “[She was] practically tackling celebrities.”
Not only was Deborah tackling “celebrities,” but she was also mistaking them for their sister. Deborah apparently screamed “Willow!” when Jaden Smith walked by.
Everybody in this story but Deborah Norville is in the wrong. Interviewing Zzz-listers at some stupid fashion party is a serious and competitive game and you gotta be in it to win it. Deborah is not the one and everyone is lucky she didn’t bring one of her double pointed knitting needles with her. Because she would’ve definitely cut a whore up and stepped over their corpse to interview someone from a show on The CW.
And here’s Ireland Baldwin and Willow Smith outside of that Harper’s Bazaar party.
It says everything when soulless grand dame of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, would rather pay attention to a human child than pay attention to the ~fashuns~ in front of her. To Anna Wintour, North West is like a cat at a boring party. She’s so happy that child is there to distract her from the dumb, boring shit going on around her. Mark this day as the first day in history when Anna Wintour is happy to see a child she isn’t about to suck the life out of.
Kanye West wasn’t supposed to butt squirt out his latest collection of overpriced post-apocalyptic rags for Adidas during New York Fashion Week, but since his throbbing pus-filled ego will deflate if he doesn’t take every opportunity to get as much attention as possible, he decided at the last-minute to do a show. Two designers who were scheduled to show at the same time Kanye suddenly decided to show weren’t happy, because they knew he would overshadow them. One designer decided to show anyway and the other rescheduled.
I don’t know why those designers are bitching. They need to shut the hell up and be thankful that his highness Kanye allowed them to show at Fashion Week in the first place. I mean, New York Fashion Week may as well be called New York Kanye Week since Kanye IS Fashion. Besides, I doubt those designers’ collections are as innovative, forward and avant-garde as what Kanye queefed out. And of course I mean the opposite of that since this year’s collection was as bland and basic as last year’s.
— adidas (@adidas) September 16, 2015
They all look like sad used condoms.
Kanye’s kollection for Adidas is perfect for rich bitches who want to waste a lot of money to look like a malnourished desert hobo on the planet Tatooine or like a Walking Dead zombie who teaches aerobics. But what do I know about fasihon? How can I judge Kanye’s genius designs when I’m sitting here wearing a droopy tank top and baggy beige sweatshorts. Oh, wait…
If you’re like my mom and are wondering what a Cara Delevingne is and wondering why she was dating that movie starring the man from Groundhog Dog, I’ll break it down for you real quick. Cara Delaredvines is that model with the brows who was cokey clit wrestling with Michelle Rodriguez for a minute and St. Vincent makes music I like to listen to. They were together and apparently, they’re not together anymore.
Page Six says that St. Vincent is no longer being entertained by the sight of Cara’s obese caterpillar brows squirming around as she munches on that twat. 22-year-old Cara and 32-year-old St. Vincent were together for about 6 months. Before Cara, St. Vincent was with Carrie Brownstein and now Carrie Brownstein is scissoring with Piper from Orange is the New Black. Page Six puts it like this:
We’re told the breakup was recent, with the couple appearing on St. Vincent’s Instagram two weeks ago.
[Cara’s] rep didn’t comment. St. Vincent’s rep said they didn’t know about a split.
These two supposedly broke up in April and got back together shortly after. Yesterday, St. Vincent Instagrammed a picture of a guitar signed by David Bowie, which was a gift from Cara. Maybe they’re already back together? I don’t know. Page Six also didn’t say why they broke up again. But well, Cara Delawhatever is friends with the Jenner girls and that’s a deal breaker. “Your piece is friends with any trick directly related to Pimp Mama Kris” is a deal breaker right up there with “snorting while orgasming” and “wanting to sit in the same side of the booth at a restaurant.”
Here’s Cara at the Paper Towns premiere in L.A. with human philosopher bong Jaden Smith and those Jenner messes.
Even though Jaden Smith, the peyote baby of a Pure Moods CD and a stoned Socrates, is anti-school, he’s been working the Los Angeles-area high school prom circuit hard during the last couple of weeks. Jaden went to new levels of “You So Edgy” two weeks ago when he went to someone’s prom done up like a virginal groom Batman. Jaden was back on the prom scene on Friday night when he took actress Amandla Stenberg from The Hunger Games to her high school prom.
I woke up this morning to a million “JADEN SMITH WORE A DRESS TO A PROM” headlines. Based on those headlines and the fact that Jaden is a thought-provoking performance artiste, I figured that he wore a backless, lace gown with cutouts as commentary on high school girls getting kicked out of prom for wearing dresses that teachers think are “too revealing.” But nope, he just wore some plain dress over black skinny jeans. That look is very “butcher going to a business meeting.”
Where is the glamour? Where is the social commentary? Where is the controversy?!
Since Jaden is into wearing dresses and is into the 90s, he should go all the way at the next prom he goes to by wearing a knock-off version of Demi Moore’s Indecent Proposal dress. If Jaden can’t find one, he can ask one of my high school friends, because 4 out of 5 of them wore that shit to prom.
After the cut are more pictures of Amandla and the Indigo Child whose power is the ability to melt our brains with his deep thoughts.
But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s still doing next-level bonkers intergalactic Scientoloteen too. Because Jaden Smith is truly a vanguard of life and is clearly much more ~unique~ that the rest of the 16-year-old passengers on Spaceship Earth (at least in his mind, I’m sure), Jaden Smith has started working women’s dresses into his current rich kid wardrobe. Which totally makes sense, since science fiction has taught me that 1000 years into the future, we’re all going to end up wearing the same shapeless grey sack dress. Jaden isn’t challenging gender norms, he’s just preparing for the future times!
The Daily Mail recently posted a picture of Jaden wearing some kind of dress/diaper/skort/fabric fuckery while wandering around Calabasas in the middle of the day on Thursday (cut to every 16-year-old sitting in 4th period math silently cursing out their parents for not being Will Smith), but if his Instagram account is any indication, he’s been getting into ladies casuals for a while now. Earlier in the week, he posted a picture of himself wearing a striped dress with the caption: “Went To TopShop To Buy Some Girl Clothes, I Mean “Clothes”“. He’s also been tweeting about it:
I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do know this: normally everything Jaden Smith does makes me roll my eyes so hard I’m able to see the top of my ass, however I am 100% with him on his new found love of dresses. Dresses are the perfect item of clothing, especially for guys. I wear dresses because they’re comfortable as hell (also because I don’t like it when my pussy falls in love with the crotch of my pants and makes a camel toe baby), but I can imagine they’d be even more comfortable for a human with balls. To be honest, I have no idea why more guys don’t wear dresses. Imagine the freedom of sweatpants without the waistband or nut sweat – that’s a dress!
And here’s Jaden wearing a skirt over a pair of jeans while going for a hike the other day with some random reality TV actress. A skirt and pants? Jaden, NO! That look died back in 2004.