If you’re like my mom and are wondering what a Cara Delevingne is and wondering why she was dating that movie starring the man from Groundhog Dog, I’ll break it down for you real quick. Cara Delaredvines is that model with the brows who was cokey clit wrestling with Michelle Rodriguez for a minute and St. Vincent makes music I like to listen to. They were together and apparently, they’re not together anymore.
Page Six says that St. Vincent is no longer being entertained by the sight of Cara’s obese caterpillar brows squirming around as she munches on that twat. 22-year-old Cara and 32-year-old St. Vincent were together for about 6 months. Before Cara, St. Vincent was with Carrie Brownstein and now Carrie Brownstein is scissoring with Piper from Orange is the New Black. Page Six puts it like this:
We’re told the breakup was recent, with the couple appearing on St. Vincent’s Instagram two weeks ago.
[Cara’s] rep didn’t comment. St. Vincent’s rep said they didn’t know about a split.
These two supposedly broke up in April and got back together shortly after. Yesterday, St. Vincent Instagrammed a picture of a guitar signed by David Bowie, which was a gift from Cara. Maybe they’re already back together? I don’t know. Page Six also didn’t say why they broke up again. But well, Cara Delawhatever is friends with the Jenner girls and that’s a deal breaker. “Your piece is friends with any trick directly related to Pimp Mama Kris” is a deal breaker right up there with “snorting while orgasming” and “wanting to sit in the same side of the booth at a restaurant.”
Here’s Cara at the Paper Towns premiere in L.A. with human philosopher bong Jaden Smith and those Jenner messes.
Even though Jaden Smith, the peyote baby of a Pure Moods CD and a stoned Socrates, is anti-school, he’s been working the Los Angeles-area high school prom circuit hard during the last couple of weeks. Jaden went to new levels of “You So Edgy” two weeks ago when he went to someone’s prom done up like a virginal groom Batman. Jaden was back on the prom scene on Friday night when he took actress Amandla Stenberg from The Hunger Games to her high school prom.
I woke up this morning to a million “JADEN SMITH WORE A DRESS TO A PROM” headlines. Based on those headlines and the fact that Jaden is a thought-provoking performance artiste, I figured that he wore a backless, lace gown with cutouts as commentary on high school girls getting kicked out of prom for wearing dresses that teachers think are “too revealing.” But nope, he just wore some plain dress over black skinny jeans. That look is very “butcher going to a business meeting.”
Where is the glamour? Where is the social commentary? Where is the controversy?!
Since Jaden is into wearing dresses and is into the 90s, he should go all the way at the next prom he goes to by wearing a knock-off version of Demi Moore’s Indecent Proposal dress. If Jaden can’t find one, he can ask one of my high school friends, because 4 out of 5 of them wore that shit to prom.
After the cut are more pictures of Amandla and the Indigo Child whose power is the ability to melt our brains with his deep thoughts.
But don’t worry, I’m sure he’s still doing next-level bonkers intergalactic Scientoloteen too. Because Jaden Smith is truly a vanguard of life and is clearly much more ~unique~ that the rest of the 16-year-old passengers on Spaceship Earth (at least in his mind, I’m sure), Jaden Smith has started working women’s dresses into his current rich kid wardrobe. Which totally makes sense, since science fiction has taught me that 1000 years into the future, we’re all going to end up wearing the same shapeless grey sack dress. Jaden isn’t challenging gender norms, he’s just preparing for the future times!
The Daily Mail recently posted a picture of Jaden wearing some kind of dress/diaper/skort/fabric fuckery while wandering around Calabasas in the middle of the day on Thursday (cut to every 16-year-old sitting in 4th period math silently cursing out their parents for not being Will Smith), but if his Instagram account is any indication, he’s been getting into ladies casuals for a while now. Earlier in the week, he posted a picture of himself wearing a striped dress with the caption: “Went To TopShop To Buy Some Girl Clothes, I Mean “Clothes”“. He’s also been tweeting about it:
I have no idea what the fuck that means. But I do know this: normally everything Jaden Smith does makes me roll my eyes so hard I’m able to see the top of my ass, however I am 100% with him on his new found love of dresses. Dresses are the perfect item of clothing, especially for guys. I wear dresses because they’re comfortable as hell (also because I don’t like it when my pussy falls in love with the crotch of my pants and makes a camel toe baby), but I can imagine they’d be even more comfortable for a human with balls. To be honest, I have no idea why more guys don’t wear dresses. Imagine the freedom of sweatpants without the waistband or nut sweat – that’s a dress!
And here’s Jaden wearing a skirt over a pair of jeans while going for a hike the other day with some random reality TV actress. A skirt and pants? Jaden, NO! That look died back in 2004.
Well, unless you’re some kind of hippie ass ho who doesn’t own any shoes. If that’s the case, then Jaden Smith owns more pairs than you, because he only owns one pair.
In an interview with Esquire magazine’s Scott Raab, Will Smith spit out a few lies. The first lie he told was that he went totally method for Six Degrees of Separation and that’s the last time he’s ever gone method because he ended up falling in love with Stockard Channing real. Yup, bitch was so method that he refused to suck face with another dude on camera even though his character was gay. So method! Will Smith also spit out a saliva stream of potent lies when he said that his son, the greatest philosopher of our time Jaden Smith, doesn’t care about money and only owns one pair of shoes. Yes, Jaden Smith lives in a multi-million dollar mansion and probably smokes imported weed that was grown with the tears of unicorns, but he only owns one pair of shoes and wears the same clothes over and over again.
More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:
“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”
I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:
“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
Alternate headline: The Hell Kind Of Weed Is The New York Times Smoking? Because The New York Times’ T Magazine (via Jezebel) interviewed 16-year-old Jaden Smith and his 14-year-old sister Willow Smith for some reason. They all got to talking about time, babies, Prana energy and I don’t really know what else because my brain turned inside out halfway into their interview. I felt like I needed an experienced and gentle peyote guide to get me through that interview.
Because going to school and getting an education is for suckers who didn’t win the lottery by having famous parents or a sister who fucked Moesha’s brother for cash, Razzie Award-winning actor Jaden Smith and Marla Hooch’s less-talented twin sister Kylie Jenner have all the time in the world to recreate the not-right pictures that were taken of his 13-year-old sister Willow Smith hanging out on a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old Moises Arias. Marla Hooch 2.0 posted this picture to her Tumblr account (named Kalifornia Klasss, not to be confused with her mother’s company, Kalifornia Klasssy Kall Girls) of her straddling a shirtless Jaden, who looks like he just ripped a truly satisfying fart. “It’s cool, I’m used to it; I live with a family of giant gas-filled asses” – Marla Hooch.
But the fuckery doesn’t end with just owning an expensive camera and taking stupid photos. Marla Hooch also displayed her talent as an ~artiste~ by tattooing her initials on the hand of Lionel Richie’s son Miles. TMZ has a video of her begin assisted by a tattoo artist, which is a big no-no, since Marla is only 16-years-old and the LA County Department of Public Health requires a person to be at least 18 to give or assist in the giving of a tattoo. Then again, if things that fell from Kris Jenner’s rotten silly putty vagina cared about public health, Kim Kardashian would have never let Ray J’s questionable dick piss on her.
Here’s more from Kylie and Jaden’s dumb bobo-90s-Guess-ad photo shoot. I have a lot of questions about that second picture, specifically – what the hell is Marla Hooch doing sniffing around Jaden’s ass? Someone needs to tell her you can’t siphon relevancy from a marginally-famous butthole.
Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Don’t Care That Their 13-Year-Old Daughter Posed On A Bed With A Shirtless 20-year-Old
A strange thing happened on the Internet yesterday, creepy pictures made their way onto Instagram and Uncle Terry wasn’t involved for once! 13-year-old living glow stick Willow Smith posted ~moody arty~ pictures on her Instagram of her hanging out on a bed with 20-year-old garden gnome turned actor Moises Arias who was Rico in Hannah Montana. The pictures went everywhere, hos lost their minds and the Guinness World Record was set for the most times ChrisHansenWhyDontYouHaveASeat.GIF was used as a comment on the same damn subject.
The picture was posted on Moises’ Tumblr last month, but since nobody is checking for Moises’ Tumblr, the pictures went under the radar and didn’t cause an ESCANDALO until yesterday when Willow Smith decided that she really wanted to trend on Twitter and posted the pics to Instagram. Bitches freaked out, some called Moises the straight Bryan Singer-in-training, others called Willow Smith a lil slut and some told Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith to come and get their child. But everybody who has read Will and Jada’s deep thoughts on parenting know that they pretty much subscribe to the Scientology way and will let their child go wherever the wind takes them even if the wind takes them to a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old in it.
A source tells TMZ that when Will and Jada saw these pictures, they temporarily took their mouths off of their separate side pieces’ butts and let out a “meh” before going back to eating ass. Will and Jada believe that Willow is very “mature” for her age and they trust her to make her own decisions. A different source tells Gossip Cop that Moises has been a Smith family friend forever and he considers 15-year-old Jaden Smith and Willow his little brother and sister. Apparently, Moises’ brother is the one who took the pictures.
I judge the shit out of any 20-year-old who hangs out with a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old, because humans between the ages of 12 and 15 are the most annoying creatures on the planet and you have to be jacked up in the head to want to hang out with one by choice. Parents get a pass, because they have no choice and for some strange reason sending your 12-year-old to an island until they’re 16 is against the law. But in Moises’ defense, nobody flipped out or cared when he worked for the Malfoy family and befriended little Harry Potter. Nobody cared when he was little Harry Potter’s friend, but they suddenly care that he’s Willow Smith’s friend? Maybe he’s protecting her from Bellatrix Lestrange the same way he protected Harry Potter from Bellatrix Lestrange? Did anyone think of that?
Well, I guess ~cool parentz~ Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith haven’t gotten around to setting the parental controls on all of Jaden Smith’s devices to JUST STOP. The 15-year-old modern day philosopher, who holds a philosophy degree from the University of Weed, let 28-year-old copy+paste artist Shia LaDouche’s know that he’s there for him. An underage kid asking a grown man to hang out? That’s a different one. PedoBear is so confused right now….
Because Jada and Will believe that their kids should find their own paths and none of those paths lead to a school classroom, Jaden has a lot of time on his hands and he tried to go see Shia LaDouche’s shitty douche in a bag performance art piece in L.A. Jaden wasn’t able to, but he reached out to LaDouche on Twitter (via E! News) and tweeted this. Kanye West’s CAPS LOCK key knows the kind of suffering that Jaden Smith’s shift key goes through.
I Waited In Line Today On Beverly Blvd To See @thecampaignbook I Never Got See Him But I Had A Very Important Message To Deliver.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014
I'm Here If You Need A Fellow Insane Person To Talk To. But I'm Seriously Here Not Like One Of Those I'm Here For You's That Everybody Says.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014
It Was A Message That Only Could Be Understood Artist To Artist. @thecampaignbook I'm Here For You I Believe In What Your Doing.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014
If that isn’t the most effective stay in school PSA ever, I don’t know what is.
I was going to throw a side-eye at little Jaden Smith for calling himself an artist, but I scrolled through his Twitter page again and that mess reads like the lost lyrics of a P.M. Dawn album that never was. That is art. A homeschooled 15-year-old with unlimited funds and a weed card counseling a dried shit dingle hanging out of humanity’s b-hole sounds like a bad idea, but maybe that’s what LaDouche needs. Bitch is way passed the point of needing Jesus, so maybe the words of L. Ron Hubbard as taught to him by a 15-year-old who always looks constipated will sort his shit out.
And here’s LaDouche in L.A. yesterday dressed like a trailer trash pepaw who put on his girlfriend’s UGGs to buy a bottle of Olde English and Skoal at the corner store.