When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
Alternate headline: The Hell Kind Of Weed Is The New York Times Smoking? Because The New York Times’ T Magazine (via Jezebel) interviewed 16-year-old Jaden Smith and his 14-year-old sister Willow Smith for some reason. They all got to talking about time, babies, Prana energy and I don’t really know what else because my brain turned inside out halfway into their interview. I felt like I needed an experienced and gentle peyote guide to get me through that interview.
Because going to school and getting an education is for suckers who didn’t win the lottery by having famous parents or a sister who fucked Moesha’s brother for cash, Razzie Award-winning actor Jaden Smith and Marla Hooch’s less-talented twin sister Kylie Jenner have all the time in the world to recreate the not-right pictures that were taken of his 13-year-old sister Willow Smith hanging out on a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old Moises Arias. Marla Hooch 2.0 posted this picture to her Tumblr account (named Kalifornia Klasss, not to be confused with her mother’s company, Kalifornia Klasssy Kall Girls) of her straddling a shirtless Jaden, who looks like he just ripped a truly satisfying fart. “It’s cool, I’m used to it; I live with a family of giant gas-filled asses” – Marla Hooch.
But the fuckery doesn’t end with just owning an expensive camera and taking stupid photos. Marla Hooch also displayed her talent as an ~artiste~ by tattooing her initials on the hand of Lionel Richie’s son Miles. TMZ has a video of her begin assisted by a tattoo artist, which is a big no-no, since Marla is only 16-years-old and the LA County Department of Public Health requires a person to be at least 18 to give or assist in the giving of a tattoo. Then again, if things that fell from Kris Jenner’s rotten silly putty vagina cared about public health, Kim Kardashian would have never let Ray J’s questionable dick piss on her.
Here’s more from Kylie and Jaden’s dumb bobo-90s-Guess-ad photo shoot. I have a lot of questions about that second picture, specifically – what the hell is Marla Hooch doing sniffing around Jaden’s ass? Someone needs to tell her you can’t siphon relevancy from a marginally-famous butthole.
Will Smith And Jada Pinkett Smith Don’t Care That Their 13-Year-Old Daughter Posed On A Bed With A Shirtless 20-year-Old
A strange thing happened on the Internet yesterday, creepy pictures made their way onto Instagram and Uncle Terry wasn’t involved for once! 13-year-old living glow stick Willow Smith posted ~moody arty~ pictures on her Instagram of her hanging out on a bed with 20-year-old garden gnome turned actor Moises Arias who was Rico in Hannah Montana. The pictures went everywhere, hos lost their minds and the Guinness World Record was set for the most times ChrisHansenWhyDontYouHaveASeat.GIF was used as a comment on the same damn subject.
The picture was posted on Moises’ Tumblr last month, but since nobody is checking for Moises’ Tumblr, the pictures went under the radar and didn’t cause an ESCANDALO until yesterday when Willow Smith decided that she really wanted to trend on Twitter and posted the pics to Instagram. Bitches freaked out, some called Moises the straight Bryan Singer-in-training, others called Willow Smith a lil slut and some told Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith to come and get their child. But everybody who has read Will and Jada’s deep thoughts on parenting know that they pretty much subscribe to the Scientology way and will let their child go wherever the wind takes them even if the wind takes them to a bed with a shirtless 20-year-old in it.
A source tells TMZ that when Will and Jada saw these pictures, they temporarily took their mouths off of their separate side pieces’ butts and let out a “meh” before going back to eating ass. Will and Jada believe that Willow is very “mature” for her age and they trust her to make her own decisions. A different source tells Gossip Cop that Moises has been a Smith family friend forever and he considers 15-year-old Jaden Smith and Willow his little brother and sister. Apparently, Moises’ brother is the one who took the pictures.
I judge the shit out of any 20-year-old who hangs out with a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old, because humans between the ages of 12 and 15 are the most annoying creatures on the planet and you have to be jacked up in the head to want to hang out with one by choice. Parents get a pass, because they have no choice and for some strange reason sending your 12-year-old to an island until they’re 16 is against the law. But in Moises’ defense, nobody flipped out or cared when he worked for the Malfoy family and befriended little Harry Potter. Nobody cared when he was little Harry Potter’s friend, but they suddenly care that he’s Willow Smith’s friend? Maybe he’s protecting her from Bellatrix Lestrange the same way he protected Harry Potter from Bellatrix Lestrange? Did anyone think of that?
Well, I guess ~cool parentz~ Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith haven’t gotten around to setting the parental controls on all of Jaden Smith’s devices to JUST STOP. The 15-year-old modern day philosopher, who holds a philosophy degree from the University of Weed, let 28-year-old copy+paste artist Shia LaDouche’s know that he’s there for him. An underage kid asking a grown man to hang out? That’s a different one. PedoBear is so confused right now….
Because Jada and Will believe that their kids should find their own paths and none of those paths lead to a school classroom, Jaden has a lot of time on his hands and he tried to go see Shia LaDouche’s shitty douche in a bag performance art piece in L.A. Jaden wasn’t able to, but he reached out to LaDouche on Twitter (via E! News) and tweeted this. Kanye West’s CAPS LOCK key knows the kind of suffering that Jaden Smith’s shift key goes through.
I Waited In Line Today On Beverly Blvd To See @thecampaignbook I Never Got See Him But I Had A Very Important Message To Deliver.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014
I'm Here If You Need A Fellow Insane Person To Talk To. But I'm Seriously Here Not Like One Of Those I'm Here For You's That Everybody Says.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014
It Was A Message That Only Could Be Understood Artist To Artist. @thecampaignbook I'm Here For You I Believe In What Your Doing.
— Jaden Smith (@officialjaden) February 17, 2014
If that isn’t the most effective stay in school PSA ever, I don’t know what is.
I was going to throw a side-eye at little Jaden Smith for calling himself an artist, but I scrolled through his Twitter page again and that mess reads like the lost lyrics of a P.M. Dawn album that never was. That is art. A homeschooled 15-year-old with unlimited funds and a weed card counseling a dried shit dingle hanging out of humanity’s b-hole sounds like a bad idea, but maybe that’s what LaDouche needs. Bitch is way passed the point of needing Jesus, so maybe the words of L. Ron Hubbard as taught to him by a 15-year-old who always looks constipated will sort his shit out.
And here’s LaDouche in L.A. yesterday dressed like a trailer trash pepaw who put on his girlfriend’s UGGs to buy a bottle of Olde English and Skoal at the corner store.
Evil fame whore matchmaker Kris Jenner is somewhere at war with the devils on her shoulders after seeing the pictures of Jaden Smith with Kylie Jenner at the Believe premiere. The one on the right is whispering, “But it’s the Smiths!” while the other one says, “But look at what the fuck it’s wearing!”
Devil #2 can come sit with me, because I’m getting a tidal wave of secondhand embarrassment looking at Jaden’s ensemble, and this is coming from a mother of three who, on more than one occasion, has walked into the supermarket with a kid trailing behind wearing a muscle Hulk costume, flip flops, sunglasses Elton John would pass up and a cross-body Hello Kitty purse he begged me for at the Goodwill store.
Regardless of whatever stunt fuckery Kris might try to pull, Kylie told Seventeen Prom (via NYDN) that she and Jaden are just good friends.
“If I couldn’t find a boyfriend, I would want to go with one of my best guy friends, like Jaden (Smith),” she admitted. “I know I’d have fun with him — he makes me laugh and he is a great dancer.”
Rumors have swirled for some time now about the “friendship” between Jenner and the 15-year-old son of Will and Jade Smith, but she assures she’s a single girl.
“I don’t have a boyfriend,“ she told the mag, which hits newsstands Dec. 25. “But I really want that boyfriend prom experience.”
Kylie needs to start praying at the Kardashian altar (it’s just the foyer table on which everyone throws their juvaderm pamphlets) that she finds someone to take her to the damn prom besides Will and Jada’s kid. Do they even make tuxedos out of Bruce-approved kicky scarves, eyesight test posters, athletic compression shorts, hobo socks and desperate attempts to make oneself happen?
Seen above in a picture from the future taken at Justin Bieber’s Scientology baptism ceremony (I won’t tell you if you’re right or wrong if you ask me if that’s the jizz of Xenu covering them), Will Smith and the Biebs are apparently mentor and mentoree and every week they shoot the shit (shit being the key word) about life before Will asks him if he has any naked pictures of Usher (for mentor purposes only).
In a way too long damage control piece for The Hollywood Reporter, Justin’s manager Scooter Braun (yes, that is the name of a grown adult man and not Nickelodeon cartoon character) says that Marky Mark, Eminem, Oprah, fellow douche Adam Levine and Tom Hanks have all offered to counsel the douche rash on humanity, but Will Smith’s the one who gets his ear every single week. The Hollywood Reporter just had to add a little note saying that the Biebs and Will never talk about the words of L. Ron Hubbard. Uh huh, and John Travolta isn’t getting the thetans on his b-hole popped by a male massage therapist as I type this.
But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ ”
Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”
I was starting to think that Will Smith recruiting Joffrey Bieber into Scientology isn’t that bad of an idea, but then I realized that would be the worst idea. Those crazy bitches at Scientology believe that when it comes to toddlers, you should just let them do whatever they want, when they want it and how they want it. That’s some anti-abuelita shit right there. Justin Bieber becoming a Scientologist would be a disaster. They’d let him really go crazy. That would be like dropping Rob Ford and Brooke Mueller into a fully loaded crack house together. That would be like giving Suri Cruise a black AMEX and sending her into a Barney’s alone. Civilization would burn to the ground, so it’s best if the Biebs stays away from Xenu.
And here’s proof that Will Smith is a shit mentor. The Biebs had this to say to THR about his “haters.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Not ‘I don’t give a fuck’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a fuck what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”
That first part reads like the official Scientology parenting motto. And the second part should’ve been auto-corrected to “douche delusions of grandeur” when I copy and pasted it from The Hollywood Reporter. Some wonderful mentoring by Will Smith!
And here’s Will’s son Jaden Smith looking like a young Whoopi Goldberg while on a date with KylieKendallWhatever Jenner.
The heads of Dior must all feel a fiery hate in their charcoal hearts for Jennifer Lawrence and deep in their offices is a locked room where the walls are covered with pictures of her Xed out face and the floor is covered with their intricate plan to take her down. Their anus lips are probably still chapped from Jennifer Lawrence getting the lead role in that Hunger Games shit over one of their faves. They obviously wanted that Kaya Scodelario chick to play Katniss and now they’re punishing Jennifer Lawrence by hiring her as the face of Dior so they can make her wear jacked-up shit like this. Everything is going according to plan.
At last night’s L.A. premiere of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (which is what I wish happened to that dress before she put it on), Jennifer Lawrence wore some dress that I’d like to sit under if the mosquitos took over the world and vowed to eat us all alive. Bitch looks like she was getting drunk by the pool and when she tried to run into the house for a white wine spritzer refill, she crashed through the screen door. While she was on the floor, her assistant ran up, told her she was late for the premiere, belted the screen door around her bathing suit and called it a look!
And an impossible thing just happened. Joan Rivers found a way to move her stretched rubber face into a look of glee, because she can’t wait to talk shit about her arch rival’s fug dress thing on Fashion Police.
Here’s more from last night’s premiere including some of Jaden and Willow Smith dressed like a new age lesbian couple from a planet far away and Jena Malone pairing The Slut Dress: Sparkly Holiday Edition with some Sharpie Groucho Marx brows.
For those of you out there still holding on to a shred of hope that the youngest two of Kris Jenner’s Krotch Droppings would turn out well-adjusted and down-to-earth, you better take a seat because I’m about to shatter your precious world. People reports that on Oct. 18, 16-year-old Kylie Jenner rolled up on a fancy Beverly Hills hotel at 8:30pm with a couple of friends (including major Asshole-in-Training Pants, Jaden Smith) ready to party.
Hot on the heels of her latest Twitter rant about being a supposed drunk mess, Kylie and her friends decided to forgo the chicken fingers kids meal and jump straight to bottle service. Since ordering bottle service at 8:30pm is a dead giveaway that you’re a teenager who just discovered Red Bull and vodkas, the hotel shut the Spoiled Brat Sleepover down and told them to get bent.
This is the part of the story where any normal too-rich-for-their-own-good Hollywood teenager types would just put their tail between their legs and order a round of Diet Cokes, but we’re not talking about a normal teenager here. Anyone who shares DNA with Kris Jenner is used to riding the delusional train all the way to the end of the line, so Kylie pulls out the most wonderful 6 words in the Bitch You Ain’t Shit handbook: “Do you know who I am?” Oh, people know who you are Kylie (you can send a muffin basket to Ray J to say thanks) but the truth is they just don’t give a 2oz shit about you.
Once she realized that the hotel wasn’t going to budge, Kylie stormed out and stage whispered some choice Yelp reviews on her way, claiming that the hotel was “not worth her time” and that it was “fucking lame”. Kylie is only 16; all of a sudden she’s too good for getting drunk off marshmallow-flavored vodka in her parent’s basement? Kylie needs to stay home and be a dumb mess like a normal teenager. Or at least go over to the Pinkett-Smith household, where I’m sure ‘cool mom’ Jada is waiting with margaritas in a pink Juicy Couture sweatsuit.
(Pic via Splash)
Besides E!’s camera crew, dozens of hired extras, Jaden Smith, all of the Kartrashians (sans Auntie Bruce), an orchestra, a script supervisor, a team of assistants, a production designer, a costume designer, three fluffers, ten make-up artists, six weave tamers, three body waxers, one anal bleacher and a wookie trainer, Kanye Kardashian’s proposal to Kim Kardashian was intimate and private. It was so intimate and private that they put together a video of the “greatest moments” from their proposal and “leaked” (cut to Ray J’s not-at-all-piss-shy dick smiling a sly smile) it onto the Internet. I would’ve thought that this was the most romantic and genuine proposal ever, but it was hard for me to do that, because I kept staring into the night sky above them, hoping that a fiery meteor would appear and come crashing towards those whores.
And I really love the part at the 2:12 mark where Pimp Mama Kris is bouncing around to “All of the Lights” while watching Jaden Smith and the other brats play in the field. She’s definitely thinking to herself, “Hmmmm, I wonder which one of their young souls I should eat for dinner?”