Based on the fact that he’s one of the highest-paid actors in the world and that his children talk like out-of-touch alien billionaires, Will Smith seems like the kind of rich I can only imagine about being. I picture him doing ultra-decadent shit, like delivering messages to Jada by hiring a skywriter (“We need more paper towels“). Apparently getting mega-rich off of shitty blockbusters that turned him into a massive star was one of Will Smith’s goals. But not anymore. Will spoke at the Cannes Lions festival yesterday about his career, and he says it’s all about the ~art~ now.
When two sources “confirmed” that Kerry Washington had another baby growing in her belly yesterday, I made a joke that Kerry would confirm it herself by posing on the red carpet of the Met Gala with her hand placed on her stomach. And last night Kerry Washington hit the Met Gala red carpet with her hand on her stomach. Although I almost didn’t notice that hand because I was too distracted by that purple hair. Mon Dieu (splashes self with holy water), that hair! I am so conflicted. It’s not permanent (Instagram tells me that those are extensions), so that’s good. It sort of looks like the kind of fake hair you’d find on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which makes me want to pour myself a hot mug of penicillin. On the other hand, it looks like it was found on the floor of the Rock of Love Bus, which means it’s 100% pure fake hair perfection.
I’ve known some pregnant people, and one thing I’ve gleaned is that sometimes being knocked up makes you do some crazy things. Case in point: the gorgeous black lace boudoir ensemble Kerry is wearing. I feel like non-knocked up Kerry wouldn’t wear that. But knocked up Kerry? Sure! The more black lace the better. Or maybe this is Kerry’s way of paying tribute to Prince. If Prince designed maternity clothes, I’m almost positive that’s what he’d make.
Kerry didn’t exactly do much with the technology theme, but there were a few people who tried. Let’s start with Demi Lovato.
Although to be fair, when you have a lot of friends and a lot of ex-boyfriends, it’s probably bound to happen sooner or later. Last night was Gigi Hadid’s 21st birthday, and because Gigi is famous, it’s not exactly a surprise that her party was packed with famous people. The most important of which was Gigi’s squad leader, Taylor Swift. I say “important“, because unless you want to find your ass on the other side of a “Bad Blood“-style song, the first birthday party invitation you send out is to Taylor.
Jaden Smith has already done many things for this planet in just 17 years. (Well, his body is 17. The spirit that inhabits his human shell is a 500,000-year-old alien who came to earth, wandered through the land we call Mexico and died, leaving his corpse behind, which later turned into a peyote cactus. True story.) Jaden Smith made the world a more enlightened place by being born. Jaden Smith has opened up our minds with thoughts like, “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” And Jaden Smith has shown the youngins’ that there’s nothing wrong with a boy in a dress. But Jaden has much bigger plans for this planet. Jaden wants to fix it. “Fix it, Jaden” is the new “Fix it, Jesus.”
Jaden and Willow Smith, seen above looking like two vintage store-dwelling elves who are about to trick you into trading your soul for a velvet choker and a pair of Fluevog Munsters, are pretty much the unofficial prince and princess of DWTFYW (doing whatever the fuck you want). But unlike other rich kids who got their freedom to do whatever dumb shit they desired by threatening to run away to their summer home in Europe, Jaden and Willow were given full permission from their famous parents, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith.
Actor, rapper, down-low Scientologist, rich kid, world-renowned scientist, inventor of gender fluidity, Twitter poet, stoned toddler and reincarnation of Moses, Jaden Smith, can add the title of “supermodel” to his resume now. The 17-year-old genderless Galileo was named the new face of Louis Vuitton Women’s Spring/Summer 2016 campaign. Louis Vuitton’s creative director, Nicolas Ghesquiere, posted a picture on Instagram of a coma eye’d Jaden wearing a skirt and a shirt made out of my abuelita’s macrame plant holder while posing next to three models who look like Charlie’s Angels if Charlie’s Angels were hungry alien praying mantises from a faraway planet where happiness doesn’t exist. I thought the model all the way to the left was The Curious Case of Ali Lohan until I realized that’s impossible. If Ali Lohan shot a Louis Vuitton campaign, Page Six would’ve already posted a story about how Dina “White Oprah” Lohan slurred out the words,” Do yooze know who I am? My daughter is the fashe of Louise Veetwan,” as she got kicked out of a club on Long Island.
Nicholas added this little note on Instagram:
“Happy to introduce Jaden Smith @christiaingrey in the new SS16 @louisvuitton ad Campaign photographed by Bruce Weber.”
Jaden Smith’s Instagram name is @christiangrey, which only makes sense because it came from the mind of Jaden Smith.
You know, I am all for this, because the more time Jaden Smith spends enlightening the modeling world with his sleep walking poses, the less time he’ll have to make more cinematic turds. It’s a good thing.
And here’s another one of Jaden without his Not-So-Mighty Power Rangers:
We’re all probably rolling our eyes at this pose. Jaden and Louis Vuitton probably think that pose is super high fashion, but please. All of us do that pose when we fall asleep while typing at our desks on a Monday morning.