Yes, that is the look of a baby who is thinking, “So, I’m sitting here in this heavy ass Victorian ass lace ass reproduction gown while my grandaunt has beat me in the glamour department by looking stunning in some Truman Capote gone to Panama cosplay? Fuck this shit, get this itchy doll dress off of me!”
As Britain experiences gale-force winds from all of its citizens vigorously shaking their heads over Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Meghan having the disgusting AUDACITY to make their child’s christening private, even though royal christenings are traditionally private, two-month-old Master Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor was christened today at St George’s Chapel in Windsor Castle. That’s the same place where PHG and Meghan were married, and where PHG was christened in 1984. The royals released two pictures including the Awkward Family Photo above. While everybody worked the same tired stuffy royal drag, Princess Diana’s sister Lady Jane Fellowes changed the entire game by looking like she’s about to solve the shit out of a crime on an island.
Duchess Meghan is going through it lately (but luckily she has two things called Prince Harry and “not having to worry about money” to get her through it). Between feeling her ankles starting to swell with pregnancy from having to cope with the supposed feud she’s having with her sister-in-law Duchess Kate over dresses, life isn’t easy for a gal new to the British royal family. And then you’ve got her Pops. Thomas Markle is still turning to the press to report everything he’s feeling about his estranged daughter. This time he brought photos, letters, and a revelation that he felt it necessary to ask his ex-wife and Meghan’s mother, Doria Ragland, why Meghan isn’t speaking to him. This is sort of meta or Russian nesting doll or something because the answer is this interview you’re currently giving to the Daily Mail, fool.
Duchess Meghan’s mom, Doria Ragland, hasn’t moved to London yet. But a few days ago she flew over to her daughter’s new homeland, and if she thought she was going to spend her days there sipping gin and Morrissey tears with THE QUEEN (and guzzling down three after Prince Philip tottered on in and asked, “Who are you spongeing off, love?“), she thought wrong. Because today, Doria put her wavin’ hand and smilin’ mouth to work at the launch of the charity cookbook her daughter did with some of the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire. Prince Hot Ginge also came along and won the title of Sexiest Third Wheel Ever.
Lost in all the “Thomas Markle still won’t shut up” articles is that Duchess Meghan has one seemingly normal parent. One that doesn’t appear to have a DNA mutation that causes them to wake up every morning and contact reporters. And as such, Duchess Meghan’s mom Doria Ragland is allowed to be in her daughter’s life and now she may really be in her daughter’s life, because the Express UK says she’s moving to London.
True story: It was rainy and overcast in London today and just when everyone was about to sing (in their best Alanis Morissette voice), “It’s like raaaaaaaain on your wedding day,” to Meghan Markle, the clouds cleared, the sky turned blue and then sun came out when Oprah appeared!
Oprah was one of the first to show up at St. George’s Chapel for the royal wedding today, which made many brains poot out a “Que?” There’s a rumor that Oprah interviewed Meghan’s mother Doria Ragland, so some think that’s why she was invited to the wedding. But excuse you, while us regular humans may need an invitation to attend something like the royal wedding, Oprah doesn’t. Oprah just shows up and sits wherever she wants. I’d like to see one of those tricks ask Oprah if they can see her invitation. Their skin would end up embedded into the concrete after a lightning bolt from the heavens flattened them.
Oprah pretty much led the non-stop parade of stars that made it through that church today. There were so many celebrities that I thought diabolical red carpet gnome Ryan Seacrest was going to pop up with a mic to asks guests who they’re wearing, I mean, ask them awkwardly worded questions about #MeToo. Warning: Lots of celebrities went to today’s wedding so there’s lot of pictures to scroll through. So stretch your finger, put a workout belt on it, and keep a bottle of water handy for when it gets the heated sweats halfway through and needs to cool off.
After what felt like centuries of fashion tricks and beyond trying to figure out who would design Meghan Markle’s wedding dress, we finally found out seconds after she stepped out of the car today. It wasn’t Stella McCartney. Or Ralph & Russo. Or Erdem. Or the ten million other designers whose name were thrown out. You might’ve looked at her dress and thought to yourself, “Looks like J. Crew had a bridal sale I didn’t hear about.” But it was actually designed by British designer Clare Waight Keller for Givenchy.
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) May 19, 2018
And Meghan was smart not to wear a giant ass ball gown, because that way her estranged attention whore half-siblings couldn’t smuggle in. Well played, Meghan!