Legendary director (and yes, I’m giving him “legendary” status solely due to him directing and executive producing 2000 Malibu Road!) Joel Schumacher is 80 years old today, and he’s lived A LIFE! And he gave us all a little keyhole view into his life with a wide-wide-wiiiiiiide-ranging interview with Andrew Goldman for Vulture. Joel took us on a journey from his days as a NYC costume designer in the 1970s to how Val Kilmer was psychotic on the set of Batman Forever to much, much more. I also learned that Joel started boozing at 9 years old, screamed, “This movie’s about people who got laid,” at the TV when Siskel & Ebert gave St. Elmo’s Fire a bad review, and that he’s good friends with Woody Allen and doesn’t know what to think about Dylan Farrow’s accusations against Woody.
But the part that is getting the most play is Joel saying that his fuck parts have been visited by thousands upon thousands of people. So the next time I think of putting a dirty dish in the sink instead of washing it because I just don’t have the time, I’m going to think of Joel Schumacher writing St. Elmo’s Fire while getting a train on him. Joel makes the time.
A big chunk of Joel’s interview is about his sex life as a gay man. Joel said that he started fooling around when he was just 11 years old, and when he was a kid, he messed around with older men including a married man in his neighborhood. When Andrew asked Joel if he feels like he was abused, he said no, and added that he personally felt like he was never taken advantage of or manipulated. Andrew brought up how many find a sexual situation between an adult and a kid “creepy” and that’s when Joel said the NOT RIGHT words “seductive children,” which sounds like the name of the worst show on PedoBear’s streaming service.
Listen, I mean, if I say this I’m gonna be killed — there are very seductive children. I was one of them. I was very seductive at a very young age. That doesn’t mean that anybody who was older should’ve said yes or just complied, but I feel in my lifetime I’ve always been a very results-oriented person.
Andrew then said that Joel’s good friend Liz Smith once called him a “sexual outlaw,” and asked how many people can say, “I fucked Joel Schumacher.” Joel nonchalantly said that his number is in the double-digit thousands, but that’s not a big deal!
Double-digit thousands. You mean like 2,000 or 3,000?
That’s not double digits, that’s single digits.
Oh! So 20,000 or 30,000. Somewhere in there.
Or 10, or 20.
That’s really amazing.
It’s not for a gay male, because it’s available.
Joel also said that he’s wet humped on famous dudes, but he’s not one to fuck and tell. One big reason for why there’s a sign on Joel’s crotch that reads “Over 10,000 Served” could be because of the time he spent on Fire Island from 1965 to 1970. During those five years, he was running around in a Speedo, filling his body with dick and meth. Joel said that he injected Methedrine, which he called the mother drug of meth, and that was the high-octane gas that turned on his fuck parts and got him extra hungry for dick.
Oh my God, you’re horny all the time. And fortunately, it was quite available. You’re just starving for sex all the time. Every drug, in my mind, was a pathway to sex. So was alcohol. There was an adventure going on, and sex would be the cherry on that sundae. Now, a lot of gay people are getting married, they’re adopting, or they’re having children. There wasn’t any of that when I was young. If you went into a gay bar and there were 200 men in there, and you said, “Okay, who wants to have a little house with a white picket fence, and a dog, and a child, raise your hands,” or “Who wants to get laid tonight?” The concept of a lovely suburban life or raising children was not a high concept.
Andrew asked Joel if he thought he would die of AIDS when the AIDS crisis happened. Joel used condoms, but said that condoms break, and on top of that, he was injecting the bad shit, so he planned his death, thinking he was going to get AIDS. But he never tested positive.
If you want to go through a roller coast ride through The Fucking Life That Joel Schumacher Has Lived™, then get into his Vulture interview before James Franco ruins it by buying the rights to star in the Netflix movie version of it (which you know he’s going to do).
But let’s get back to the number on the odometer on Joel’s genitals. Let’s do some math. If Joel started at 11, and he’s 80 now, that means his average is around 144 people to 289 people a year, which seems doable (pun intended), especially if you factor in threesomes, orgies, and more-than-one-dick-a-day situations. But what really made me tilt my head and squint like “HUH?” was Joel shrugging about how fucking that many people is pretty standard for a gay dude.
Some could say that catching new dick nowadays is even easier thanks to apps like Grindr. So according to the gay Wilt Chamberlain, my number should be in the thousands by now. Well, it’s not. Not even close. Here I was thinking that I was a huge skeezer tramp, when in fact I’m practically a virgin who not only has his butt cherry intact, but has a whole cherry orchard up in there. I’ve got Chekhov culo! Chekhole, if you will. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to run off to Grindr to change my username from 24HrMegaButtSlut to ButtVirginMary.