Picture it. You’re a wee raccoon residing in Auburn Hills, Michigan. Where’s the best place to settle down so you can receive a constant stream of delicious garbage? Answer: a trash can. The Oscar the Grouch special. I mean, yes, it’s technically squatting (raccoons don’t really understand the concept of “rent”), but who gives a shit? Answer #2: the goddamn cops, who couldn’t wait to take down Trash Can Raccoon. Big effing surprise!
Kanye West is once again going after his nemesis Pete Davidson, and he’s now leveled up the fighting between them (which is very one-sided and coming only from Kanye). Previously, Kanye threatened to beat Pete’s ass in a song and has reportedly dissed Pete’s style as “mall clothes” (says someone who does a line for The Gap). Well, now Kanye is moving on to even more unhinged behavior and DJ Akademiks says that it’s “a fact” that Kanye is going around trying to start a rumor that “Pete Davidson has AIDS.” However low YOU can go, Kanye proves time and time again that he can go lower.
The Duggars who still stand by the rotten pedophile potato from HELL that is Josh Duggar are probably looking up at the sky today with a confused face because all their praying to God to free him must have been lost in translation. KARK reports that a federal jury in Fayetteville, Arkansas found 33-year-old Josh Duggar guilty of downloading and possession of materials of children being sexually abused. Each count brings a maximum of 20 years in prison, which means this throbbing zit on Satan’s ass could be locked up for 40 years. Can’t wait for the awkward silences and thrown side-eyes when wannabe Arkansas senator Jim Bob Duggar starts burping up shit about “family values” during his campaign.
Well, the good news for THE QUEEN is that does not have to knit sweaters out of her Corgis’ fur to sell on eBay.co.uk to pay even more legal bills racked up by her favorite son. Because The Metropolitan Police Service announced that they have closed their review into the sexual abuse allegations against Prince Andrew and will not open an investigation against him. Hmmm, why do I have a feeling that their “review” consisted of them looking at a document that read, “Don’t try it, bitches! Love, THE QUEEN,” before stamping “CLOSED” on their review and saying that there’s nothing to see here.
Queen Mummy Is Reportedly Going To Pay For Prince Andrew’s Legal Defense Against Sex Abuse Allegations
The word DUH just looked at that headline and said, “Oh, look that headline redefined me.”
Because in a piece of news that is about as surprising as you telling me that you get a stage 10 case of the heaves whenever your eyes land on the name Prince Andrew, The Telegraph reports that THE QUEEN is reaching into her pocketbook to pull out a few coins to pay the lawyers defending her poor widdle winnocent favorite son. Yes, go ahead and add The Pedo Defense Fund to the list of charitable organizations that THE QUEEN donates to, allegedly.
Emily Ratajkowski And The Director Of The “Blurred Lines” Video Say That Robin Thicke Groped Her During Filming
Blurred Lines is a Satanic skid mark on the backside of America’s chonies, because it turned Robin Thicke into a star, is probably the most-played song on Brett Kavanaugh’s Spotify playlist, and it ripped off Marvin Gaye. And now Emily Ratajkowski, or Emily RideAJetSki as I call her around here, says that while filming the video for it, Robin sexually assaulted her by grabbing her boobs. The video’s director, Diane Martel, says that she watched it go down and immediately shut down filming. The most shocking part about all of this is that Blurred Lines was not directed by Terry Richardson!