With Nick Cannon safely in the hospital for the moment and Elon Musk otherwise occupied with preserving freedom of speech for all whitemankind, the erratic market for looming babies’ futures is at an all-time low. Or it was until Baldwin Babies Inc. CEO Hilaria Baldwin appeared on Extra to announce their 4th quarter projections, hinting at the possibility of one or more looming baby offerings in the new year. As we know, Baldwin Babies Inc. has been under SIEGE this year after CIO (Chief Insemination Officer) Alec Baldwin was involved in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halnya Hutchins while moonlighting as a producer/actor on the film Rust. CEO Hilaria noted in her announcement that while the BBI is “not ok,” and “can’t be ok” following the tragedy, Alec has yet to “do his part,” (*SNIP SNIP* see above) to thwart BBI’s prospects for a bountiful 2023.
Over the past few days, doom-scrolling Twitter has taken on an entirely new meaning. It’s actually kind of been fun, but then again, I have none of Elon Musk’s beluga-hued skin in the game. But according to Business Insider, the Titanic memes and hashtags like #RIPTwitter, #Twitteroff, and #Twittershutdown being gleefully shared probably hit differently for the hundreds of employees who Elon hadn’t already fired as they watch Twitter sink, circling the very drain that Elon walked in with just three weeks before. All the while, Elon’s been working “morning to night, seven days a week,” doing everything in his power to assure the few remaining employees who hadn’t already resigned after yesterday’s ultimatum deadline that they’re a big joke to him by posting dank memes, featuring himself, at their expense, and locking everybody out of their offices until Monday.
I’ve been passively enjoying the implosion of Twitter as much as the next person but Elon Musk is really making it difficult for us to differentiate between which desperate, impulsive, and unhinged decisions are real, and which are parody. And not for lack of a consistent policy on Blue Checks. Not when Elon himself has changed his profile picture to one where he’s wearing the little Last Samurai costume he rented for Heidi Klum’s Halloween party. He couldn’t even buy a date, it’s so sad. Just a grown man with too much money playing dress up and doing power poses on the red carpet like an 8-year-old boy in his new Christmas Underoos. So how are we supposed to know if the same guy who’s telling his employees they need to work 80-hour weeks, go into the office, and have to bring their own lunch from now on, also tweeted, “Twitter feels incredibly alive,”? You guys, I think he thinks we think he’s cool. I’m crying.
The ink isn’t even dry yet, and there are still a number of Is to dot and Ts to cross on Elon Musk’s purchase of Twitter, but he’s already thrilled and delighted his soon-to-be employees by instituting a new company tradition— Bring Your Sink To Work Day! According to the BBC, Elon still has until tomorrow to finalize his purchase, but he got a jump start on being the HNIC (what? head nerd/neanderthal, narcissist- take your pick!) by dropping by Twitter’s San Francisco headquarters carrying a porcelain sink. Seems random, I know, but Elon’s not your typical CEO! Elon’s got jokes, and while this gag appears to be solely in service of a very sweaty pun, he tweeted, “Entering HQ: let that sink in,” any employee who doesn’t want to count themselves among the reported 75% reduction in the workforce he has planned, better have laughed their fucking asses off. Those who either didn’t laugh or made themselves scarce when Elon arrived, better hope he says “psyche!” again by midnight tonight.
Page Six of New York, New York thirstily announce the impregnation of Ms. Blac Chyna (nee Angela Renée White), aged 29 by YBN Almighty Jay (nee Jay Bradley, aka Young Boss N Gas Almighty), aged 18. Ms Chyna and Mr. Almighty began their union on the dating site Christian Mingle.
While promoting his upcoming “lengthy discussion” show, Alec Baldwin said in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter that every time he has to strap in and channel Donald Trump for Saturday Light Live “it’s like agony”. I’ll give you one guess to figure out who got really riled up by that and #tooktotwitter to throw a world class hissy fit. WRONG! Barbra Streisand is not the correct answer, what the fuck is wrong with you? It was Donald Trump himself!