Category: Tom Brady
Tom Brady Posted A “Cryptic” Valentine’s Day Message And Says He’ll Lay Off On Posting Thirst Traps On Social Media
Since he’s no longer in the NFL, we can’t really keep telling Tom Brady to shut up and play ball. After rubbing elbows with The Four Horsewomen of the GuyFieripocalypse in 80 for Brady, he’s too powerful now. All we can do is helplessly sit back and watch as his post-post-retirement post-divorce life plays out on the big Jumbo-tron in the sky we call the internet, and pray for a blackout.
Tom Brady Is Finally Retiring “For Good”
Tom Brady has finally counted up the costs of his last failed retirement announcement and decided it’s time to hang up his cleats and kiss football goodbye. Of course, when he attempted this announcement last year he immediately went running back because he knew the life of a house husband was boring. And his ex-wife Gisele Bundchen matched his energy by running away from his ass with a divorce. His final season suffered as well, as he threw tantrums and tried to convince us he made the best decision for himself. He clearly didn’t. And rather than lose more, he has decided it’s time to end his affair with professional football once and for all.
Gisele Bündchen Is Having The Time Of Her Life Horseback Riding With Her Jiu-Jitsu Instructor
As Tom Brady continues spiraling out of control, his ex-wife Gisele Bundchen is living her best life far away from Tom’s illicit affair with football. It didn’t take long for Gisele to strap on her highest stilettos and strut down the catwalk towards divorce after Tom refused to retire, and it also didn’t take long for another man to swoop in to love her back to life potentially. Although it’s still not confirmed if they’re dating, Gisele has been spending a lot of quality time with her jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente. And this week, they went horseback riding together in Costa Rica, sparking further rumors that they might be more than just friends.
Tom Brady Wants His Children To Fail So They Can Build Resilience
I’m not sure how many times Tom Brady got sacked this year during his wack-ass football season, but apparently, it’s affecting what little brain cells he has left. Since he and his true love, football, will be apart for the next seven months, questions about his retirement are finally causing his clean-cut image to get a little dirty. And now he’s taking his frustrations out on his children, 15-year-old Jack (his son with Bridget Moynahan) and 13-year-old Benjamin Rein, and 10-year-old Vivian Lake (his children with Gisele Bundchen) by revealing he’s ready for them to experience a little bit of failure in their lives as well because he believes it will help them build character.
Tom Brady Dropped A Whole Bunch Of F-Bombs After Being Asked About Retirement….Again
Now that Tom Brady‘s Risk-It-All season has come to an end, this is the perfect time for him to finally sit down with his favorite femme fatale, football, and break her heart gently by letting her know he’s ready to move on. However, Tom is a stubborn brat, and he will not be pleased until he proves to everyone he’s the BEST football player the world has ever known. And if you DARE ask him about that pesky little R word “retirement,” he is going to transform into Tom the Tasmanian devil and light that ass up with a few phrases that basically mean, “Leave me the fuck alone!”
Here’s The Final Cut Of “Gotta Be You” From “80 For Brady” Feat. Dolly Parton, Cyndi Lauper, Gloria Estefan And Their Kid Sister Belinda Carlisle
Dolly Parton famously wrote I Will Always Love You and Jolene on the same night, so it should be no surprise that she was able to squirt out a dribbly little ditty as a favor to a couple of old friends in less time than it takes her to remove her false eyelashes at the end of the day. When Dolly’s homegirls Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin found themselves in a bind, having agreed to go against God’s Plan by signing up for starring roles in Tom Brady’s mid-post-post-career vanity project, 80 for Brady, alongside Sally Field and Rita Moreno, and needed help, Dolly was right there to lend a hand. And Dolly’s no Rose from Titanic! Her door is as wide as it is strong, and it’s always open to a friend in need. Dolly secured her rings and baubles and such before reaching her hand down into the frigid, inky-black depths of Tom’s ego and pulled her girls to safety. She then got her little orange emergency whistle out and started looking for other innocent souls at risk of drowning in Tom’s insatiable abyss. As dawn arose on that fateful night, Dolly’s door was teeming with refugees from the floating wreckage of Tom’s post-divorce career.