After calling coronavirus “the great equalizer,” Madonna seems intent on making that a reality by trying to give as many people as possible the chance to develop COVID-19 antibodies, like she allegedly has, if they are lucky enough not to die first. You can’t tell Madonna shit. Madonna gwan do what she wants and that includes packing up her entire entourage and flying to Jamaica to celebrate her 62nd birthday as if Satan himself hadn’t bukaked the entire face of the planet with his white hot COVID-19 spunk. Despite the CDC’s current recommendation that “travelers avoid all nonessential international travel to Jamaica,” Madonna said fuck it (again), and jetted off to visit Chet Hanks’ spiritual homeland with her 25-year-old boyfriend Ahlamalik Williams, her slightly younger daughter Lourdes and 7-year-old twins Stelle and Estere.
Two theater chains in Texas are the first to do the last thing I’d want to be doing during a global pandemic. I’ve seen Outbreak, thank you very much. According to Variety, EVO Entertainment and Santiko Entertainment have reopened several of their locations to the movie-going public after the governor of Texas gave the all-clear for theaters to reopen at 25% capacity as of last Friday. In addition to reduced capacity, a number of other “safety” measures have been implemented, including “airport security-style” procedures such as temperature checks, and presumably, making sure no guest brings in more than 3 oz of fluid in their lungs. Hardly seems worth the risk until you realize this may be your one and only chance to see Trolls World Tour on the big screen (even though it’s already available streaming). You know the saying, “give me liberty or give me and my entire family COVID-19.” Yes, Trolls is that good.
The MacDowell crime family are as ruthless and sinister as they are bumbling and inept. On Friday, Andie MacDowell and her two notorious daughters, Margaret and Rainey Qualley, set out to bring the population of Los Angeles to its knees by flouting quarantine and sneaking into a park to walk their hellhounds, Ava Gardner and Books. The MacDowells were, of course, caught red-handed when they were photographed by Page Six leaving the scene of the crime, the Audubon Center in Debs Park. The images of the MacDowells scooting on their butts under a locked gate, wearing white pants and shirts, Andie is an oversized straw hat, would almost be comical if their crimes weren’t so heinous. As it stands, we should all just be thankful that the only victim (THIS TIME!) was the law. Well, not the “law” exactly, but a hastily printed sign taped to a gate that reads “Park Closed Until April 30. Sorry for the inconvenience.” If it’s any consolation, a subsequent attempt to cover up the crime, blew up in Andie’s face.
Armie Hammer, his wife Elizabeth Chambers, and their two children are spending the coronavirus quarantine in the Cayman Islands (a sovereign state of the United Kingdom), and she went on Instagram to tell us about how well the government has been handling the outbreak. In doing so, she felt obligated to disclose that “for the health and safety” of their family, she and Armie decided to SIP (shelter-in-paradise) where they do not live. According to People, when he was 7, Armie’s family moved to the Cayman Islands and he lived there for five years (Armie comes from very old money, his great-grandfather was an oil tycoon, and he still couldn’t manage to buy the career he wanted!). Apparently he still has extended family there. So at least Armie’s new Pirates of the Florida Panhandle look makes a little more sense now.
Arielle Charnas, who was known to many as “WHO?!” is a fashion influencer with over a million followers, and is now known as a certified “coronaidiot.” Arielle said she test positive for coronavirus, and instead of self-isolating to not spread the virus, she and her husband, Brandon Charnas, took their kids and the nanny to the Hamptons. Many dragged her for doing that while others have let out a “hmmmm” after going over this saga with a Detective La Toya brand magnifying glass.
COVID-19 has got Chris Cuomo fucked up, but not so fucked up that he’s stopped anchoring his CNN show Cuomo Prime Time from his basement. Yesterday, Chris offered up a little insight on what it’s like inside Club COVID. No surprise, it’s wiggity wiggity wack. It’s hot, sweaty, the emergency exits are all blocked and the DJ sucks. Chris said he was up all night with a 103 degree fever and had the chills so bad he chipped a tooth. He also reported having a conversation with his father who’s been dead since 1994, adding “I’ve had a lot of weird experiences in my life with health and everything else, (but) I’ve never had anything like what haunted me last night with this virus.” Jesus, you’d think this place would have been shut down before it even opened, but they just keep letting more and more people in!