The next time you step into your local cinema and get that sticky floor feeling with every step, be aware that it might not be spilled Coca-Cola. There’s a new film out for the Halloween season, and it’s supposedly getting everyone sick all over the place. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the movies! The horror flick in question is Terrifier 2, and according to viewers (or the press team, depending on how much you believe this stuff), is so graphic that some people have passed out or thrown up on themselves. Ah, the smell of sawdust and last night’s chicken pot pie really adds to the date night ambiance.
When I was growing up, the older kids in my neighborhood thought it would be funny to tell the younger kids that clowns were driving around in white vans looking to kidnap us. I believed this and slept with my bedroom light on well past puberty. Now, just when I thought the nightmare was over, clown terror has been trending since the summer. For the last couple of months, reports have come from all over the US and the UK about menacing clowns. Most of them have been proven to be hoaxes or the truly evil playing unholy pranks, but it’s still causing tears in the fabric of society. The repercussions have been serious. Like Ronald McDonald forced into hiding, so he doesn’t get tarred and feathered by terrified parents on the McDonald’s Playland. Professional clowns are piling into one tiny car to drive down to the unemployment office because they can’t get work. And clown porn views on the Internet are skyrocketing. Yes, Pornhub (by way of Mashable) has revealed that certain kinky people are apparently turned on by all the recent clown mentions and are flocking to their site to watch clowns boning. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be drinking everything at the bar while you keep reading.
Everyone in the world who isn’t doing themselves up in clown drag to scare people are singing the opposite of what Desiree sings in A Little Night Music. We’re all singing, “Send AWAY the clowns.” (Yes, I’m that theater queen who makes an A Little Night Music reference in a post about terrifying clowns.)
Clowns are currently fucking up the world. They’re clogging up our jails, they’re causing our schools to go on lockdown, they’re killing the careers of professional nice clowns, and one of the most terrifying clowns in history is running for POTUS. We’re under a clown-idemic and now McDonald’s has announced that they’re cutting down on Ronald McDonald’s appearances until this clown hysteria is over.