Category: Rumer Willis

Elton John And Taron Egerton Performed “Tiny Dancer” At His Oscars Party

February 25, 2019 / Posted by:

It’s already off to the damn races for the 2020 Oscars, and Elton John helped Taron Egerton launch his campaign to become Rami Malek 2.0 last night. Elton always throws a big Oscars bash since it’s his annual big dick contest with Madonna and her own Oscars bash. Taron, who is playing Elton in the upcoming Rocketman, actually sang Tiny Dancer” at Elton’s party, and El was more than happy to oblige since Madge and Gaga’s publicity stunt couldn’t DARE be the news of the night.

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“Err, Nic, My Face Is Stuck To Your Frozen Face Again…”

June 11, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?

Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.

Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.

Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Girl Who Got Her Head Slammed By Miguel’s Leg Might Have Brain Damage

June 4, 2013 / Posted by:

A few days ago, a lawyer for Khyati Shah, the victim in the airborne teabagging gone wrong incident at the Billboard Music Awards, told the media that she was very close to slapping him with a lawsuit. Khyati’s lawyer, Vip Bhola, said that she suffered injuries that might affect her for the rest of her life. Now he’s saying that Miguel’s bad acrobatic decisions might’ve done serious damage to her brains.

Vip tells TMZ that some of the difficulties that Khyati’s experiencing “are cognitive in nature and lead to suspicion of a neurological head injury.” Vip also said the Billboard Music Awards were wrong for giving Khyati a piddly little ice pack for her head injury instead of rushing her ass to the ER. She is waiting for her test results and if there is any evidence of damage done to her brain, then it will be payday, bitches.

Khyati not only suffered injuries to her head, but she will forever be known as the poor girl who almost got her head ripped off by Miguel’s weapon of mass destruction (aka his leg). It’s kind of obvious that she suffered some kind of brain injury, because right after Miguel almost killed her, she said that she was a huge fan of his. She obviously wasn’t in her right mind, because at that moment she should’ve only been a fan of Larry H. Parker and ambulance who will take her to the hospital to get her head checked out. Give Khyati all the moneys!

And I’m sure Miguel’s lawyers will argue that he obviously suffers from some serious brain damage himself and look at him, he’s a star and performed at the Billboard Music Awards!

Hollywood Is Making Grumpy Cat: The Movie

May 30, 2013 / Posted by:

If you’re a human actor who’s been on audition after audition and can’t even get a cameo in a Courtney Stodden YouTube video, here’s some wonderful, soul-warming news for you: a cat who doesn’t give a fuck about being in a movie is getting her own movie. Hollywood!

Not even a year ago, Grumpy Cat was just a grumpy cat in Arizona and then one grumpy picture led to a meme, which led to Internet superstardom, which is now leading to Hollywood. Deadline says that producers Todd Garner And Sean Robins are working with Tardar Sauce’s manager and rep (yes, she has those) on a feature film starring her. They want to turn her into the next Garfield. I don’t know whether to throw my money at them or make the same face Grumpy Cat is making in that picture above. Here’s what Todd Garner had to say about the Grumpy Cat movie:

“This started off as a picture of a cat, but rare is an image that evokes that much comedy. You read all of the memes and the comments, and one is funnier than the next. We think we can build a big family comedy around this character.”

Their plan is to give Grumpy Cat a voice.

Since Hollywood is Hollywood and they regularly find creative ways to ruin EVERYTHING, you know they’re going to get Goopy Paltrow to be the voice of Grumpy Cat. They would do that to us. And I hope the pressures of Hollywood don’t get to Grumpy Cat. I do not want to hear about her checking into Betty Ford after getting caught smoking catnip out of a pipe while having bareback sex with some random Q-Tip.

But seriously, I need to stop. What can go wrong? I mean, the Grumpy Cat movie will be brought to us by the producer of the cinematic masterpiece that was Jack & Jill.

(Pic via Facebook)

What Has Been Seen Can’t Be Unseen: Tan Mom’s Music Video

May 19, 2013 / Posted by:

I don’t know if this is some HIGH ART shit that belongs in the Whitney Biennial or just shit.

You better lay your best church outfit on the bed before hitting play, because this mess will make you want to run to Sunday mass to cleanse your eyes and ears in the largest vat of holy water. Tan Mom shat out a video for her song, “It’s Tan Mom,” and it’ll scar all of your senses. After watching the entire thing, my eyeballs broke out into a heat rash, I suffered from temporary heat stroke and all I wanted to do was lie naked in a bath tub full of ice cubes and bleach (which is what I’m sure all of the shameless gays in this mess did after the shoot). I just want to smear aloe vera all over my eyeballs, because it burns. This mess of a video is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like after I’ve been tanning while getting drunk on peach wine coolers all day.

Let me try to say a few nice things about this wreck…. Putting her face in the sun like the Teletubbies baby was a stroke of artistic genius. Kanye wishes he came up with that. And well, at least Tan Mom lip-synchs better than Brit Brit.

via TMZ

Teen Mom Farrah Is Getting Nearly A Million Dollars For Her Backdoor Sex Tape

April 29, 2013 / Posted by:

The extremely private “sex tape” that Teen Mom Farrah made with help from a professional porn star, a professional porn crew, a professional porn director, three fluffers, a butt waxer, an anal bleach artist (it is an art!) and a few enemas is coming to your favorite torrent site any day now. Farrah, who’s probably the only dumb shit who is dumb enough to believe that her sex tape isn’t a planned porno, is now hundreds of thousands of dollars richer, because Vivid bought her porn debut for high six figures. High school guidance counselors can now tell students that college is overrated. Why waste your time in college when you can get famous by popping a kid out of your cooch and get rich by popping a peen in your ass on camera. It’s really a foolproof plan since the world’s biggest fool, Farrah, managed to pull it off.

TMZ says that other porn companies put offers on the table, but Teen Mom Farrah eventually went with Vivid and I’m guessing she went with Vivid, because her team of consultants and master negotiators (aka her dad and daughter) told her to. Vivid paid close to a million dollars for the 70-minute-long porn that also stars James Deen and they’re calling it “Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom.

Farrah is going to be broke again in about five seconds, because she’s going to spend all that money on plastic surgery, booze, funding her career in musical terrorism and bikinis. But when her checking account gets as empty as her head, she can sell that picture above to Summer’s Eve, because if that isn’t a douche ad I don’t know what is. Summer’s Eve can use that picture to sell their new line of butt douches. Don’t want no poop noodle!

And yes, it terrifies me that Farrah looks a little Cheryl Burke-ish in the face in that picture.

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