Jennifer Aniston Doesn’t Want Justin Theroux To Sign A Prenup

After downloading and cropping that pic, I got second hand coke high, so I took a warm shower, drank two cups of Benzos tea, came back and I’m still grinding my teeth and suffering from the coke sweats. That is your face on coke. That explains why Jennifer Aniston isn’t making Justin Theroux sign his name on a money-saving clause (aka a prenup).

Some source tells OK! Magazine (via Hollywood Life) that Justin offered to sign a prenup since she’s worth over $100 million and all of his fortune is in his collection of black skinny jeans. Justin’s reverse gold digger psychology worked, because Jennifer turned his offer down. The source says:

“Jen’s absolutely adamant about not having a prenup. She told several friends: ‘I’m choosing love, not money. And people are just going to have to deal with it.’ It’s a sweet and romantic thing to do. But a number of friends are desperately worried her decision could come back to haunt her one day.

Everything is going so well between Jen and Justin right now, she doesn’t want to taint the romance.

Why are her friends worried? Aniston has finally found a dude who loves to exfoliate his face with coke as much as she does (see picture above), tucks her Beanie Babies into bed each night for and they can share skinny jeans. That saves them money. They’re going to be together forever (which in Hollywood time is 3 years at most). Let’s say Justin does get half of her money when they eventually break up, she still has at least $50 million! That’ll still buy her a lot of coke to exfoliate her face with.

And now I need to take another warm shower and drink two more cups of Benzos tea.

Lindsay Lohan’s Got A New-ish Sugar Daddy

Since Lindsay Lohan has a reputation as the rudest snatch on both coasts to uphold, she showed up 45 minutes to the Broadway play Orphans last night. Hey, LiLo has a good excuse! Negotiating a nightly rate with one of your newer johns takes time and can’t be rushed.

One of LiLo’s sugar daddies got crossed out of her black book after his dumb ass got arrested for trying to smuggle drugs onto a plane, so she’s got a spot open for a new benefactor (yes, I see what I did there and I don’t like the image either). LiLo’s date last night was wealthy Saudi entrepreneur Mohammed Al Turki who’s also produced the movies Arbitrage and What Maisie Knew. The Daily Mail says that Mohammed Al Turki isn’t exactly a new trick. LiLo hung out with him at the amfAR gala in February and he was her date to Lady CaCa’s perfume launch party in September.

LiLo’s supposed to check into 90-day rehab on May 2nd, so what’s going to happen to all her sugar daddies? What if her plan to trick the rehab staff by putting a decoy (a rotting Jack-O-Lantern with red rubber lips) in her room so she can sneak out doesn’t work? What if she has to stay there? Will her sugar daddies find a new sugar baby? I’m sure LiLo won’t let this happen. She’ll get White Oprah to temporarily take her place. White Oprah also looks like she’s on the wrong side of 65 and just like LiLo, she can pour a shot, cut a line, give a hand job and steal a wallet all at the same time. Those sugar daddies won’t know the difference at all.

OctoMom As Angelina Jolie

OctoMom’s local marijuana dispensary must’ve raised their prices, because bitch is hustling hard (not really) for another quick check and her hustle game led her to posing as Oscar Angie and Tomb Raider Angie for InTouch Weekly. InTouch would’ve totally nailed this Octo as Angie photo shoot (not really, the sequel) if they Photoshopped Angie’s bulging vein of doom onto Octo’s endless forehead and replaced the deadness in Octo’s eyes with a twinkle that says, “Bring me your ripest virgin.“

Because you care, InTouch asked Octo what she does on a daily basis and she lied and said “a lot!” instead of saying “drink myself into a coma in the utility closet.”

“I do a lot! I’m a cook, a chauffeur and a nanny! [I spend] a couple hundred dollars a week on groceries. I do several loads [of laundry] every day — there’s always clothes in my washer.”

Your mind is throbbing from how fascinating this is, I know. And what does Octo think about Angie?

“I admire her. She saves children’s lives. I get that we both have a lot of kids, but I don’t think I look anything like her.”

Octo isn’t giving herself enough credit. If you took Angie and filled her with helium, more craziness and desperation, she’d look just like Octo. And yes, Angie saves children’s lives, I guess, but when is she going to save the lives of the OctoKids? Because I’m sure that while Octo was talking to InTouch, a few of the OctoKids were hitchhiking back home after she accidentally left them in the grocery store parking lot.

Snoop Dogg Thinks The Rap World Is Too Masculine To Accept A Gay Rapper

Last August, Snoop Dogg said that he thinks hip-hop is ready for a mainstream gay rapper, but I guess he somehow forgot saying that (don’t blame the good shit!), because now he’s saying something totally different. Snoop Dogg tells The Guardian that he has a lot of gay homies, but he doesn’t think that the rap world will ever fully embrace a gay rapper. Snoop thinks that the rap is just way too masculine to accept a gay rapper.

“I don’t have a problem with gay people. I got some gay homies. Yeah, for real. People who were gay used to get beat up. It was cool to beat up on gay people back then. But in the 90s and 2000s, gay is a way of life. Just regular people with jobs. Now they are accepted, not classified. They just went through the same things we went through as black.

Frank Ocean ain’t no rapper. He’s a singer. It’s acceptable in the singing world, but in the rap world I don’t know if it will ever be acceptable because rap is so masculine. It’s like a football team. You can’t be in a locker room full of motherfucking tough-ass dudes, then all of a sudden say, ‘Hey, man, I like you.’ You know, that’s going to be tough.”

Snoop is one hundred percent correct, because when I first saw Cam’ron’s pink fur and Gucci Mane’s ice cream tattoo, I shouted, “That’s so masculine!”

I sort of get what Snoop is saying. Snoop is trying to say that so many rap songs are about catching pussy and screwing hos and he doesn’t think rappers will be rapping about gargling on nuts and licking on man ass anytime soon. (Cut to a year from now when Kanye Kardashian releases his new single “Gargling On Nuts and Licking On Man Ass.”) But Snoop is mistaken about the definition of masculinity, because nothing is more masculine than two dudes fucking. It’s double the menses!

And on another note, I will never accept the name Snoop Lion. I refuse.

Here’s Snoop Dogg, Tater Head and Tater Head’s dude Jayson Blair at his show at Tao in Las Vegas last night.

The Pope Of Gold Diggers Has A New Billionaire Boyfriend

While millions of abuelitas replace the velvet painting of Pope Eggs Benedict hanging over their toilet with a velvet painting of Pope Francis the Fist, all of us should be worshiping a true leader and beacon of hope: Elin Nordegren. Let out the gold smoke, because the Pope of gold diggers has been found. Get on your knee and pray, Heather Mills.

After Elin got over $100 million from Tiger Woods in a divorce settlement, she started bumping genitals with the son of a billionaire tycoon for a little bit and then she supposedly got back with Tiger Woods. The rumor was that Tiger wanted to marry her again and was going to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup, which would’ve given her $350 million if he passed his peen to another Waffle House waitress. But I guess Elin decided that $350 million is chump change and she better reach higher if she wants to be the Patron Saint of Gold Diggers. Enter, Elin’s billionaire neighbor Chris Cline (not to be confused with the mess from American Pie.)

Page Six is saying that 33-year-old Elin has been dating 53-year-old billionaire Chris Cline since December. Chris has a mansion in the Seminole Landing area of North Palm Beach in Florida and Elin’s currently building a mansion there. Chris Cline is originally from West Virginia, has been married twice, has four kids and made his $1.2 billion fortune in the coal mining business. His company, Foresight Energy, is headquartered Palm Beach.

Get it, Elin! Look at Chris Cline, he looks like pure money. I bet his pubes smell like mahogany, Italian leather and hundred dollar bills. If the luxury package on a Cadillac was turned into a human, it would look like Chris Cline. If they made a movie about Chris Cline’s life, Powers Boothe would play him. You know you’re really rich when Powers Boothe plays you in a movie, because Powers Boothe barely ever plays poor people. I swear, Elin’s life is like an episode of Dallas.

And try not to look surprised when Chris Cline’s golf game improves by 5000% thanks to Elin’s lucky charm vagine.

Demi Moore Wants Ashton Kutcher To Pay Up

After Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore broke up over a year ago, she’s been busy doing the rehab thing, riding the beat, pouncing on young pieces and living the life, so she really hasn’t had time to file for divorce. When Ashton filed for divorce around Christmas, Demi shredded those papers up, stuffed them in her bong, took a few puffs and kept partying like it’s spring break forever! But Demi finally put her cougar coochie in hibernation and sat down with her lawyers to fill out her own divorce papers. Demi finally filed today and in the papers she basically says that she wants the accountants at Two and a Half Men to deposit Ashton’s checks into her checking account from now on, thankyouverymuch.

TMZ says that Demi isn’t only asking for alimony, but she wants Ashton to pay her attorney’s bill too. Ashton is the highest-paid actor in television and made $24 million last year, but apparently Demi Moore has way more money than him. I thought Demi blew all her money on lipo, tequila and young dick, so this is new information to me. Never underestimate the force of G.I. Jane residuals.

Demi’s lawyers and Ashton’s lawyers are currently trying to work out a settlement and TMZ doesn’t think she’s going to get a dime since her bank account bulges more than his does.

Nermal-faced philosopher Lil’ Kim once said, “Why spend mines, when I can spend yours?” That’s exactly what Demi is doing. Ashton Kutcher stuck his wandering douche dick in every 20-something trick from Escondido to Sacramento and so she’s getting his ass back. Nothing will get the taste of his side pieces’ twat juices out of Demi’s mouth like gargling on the tears that will flow down Ashton’s face when he has to write her an alimony check every month. No, Demi doesn’t deserve alimony, but if she can get it, why not? If she does, she can pull a Brandi Glanville and use Ashton’s money to de-Kutcherize her coochie by reupholstering it.