Category: Tan Mom

Tan Mom Is Back!!!

December 8, 2018 / Posted by:

Raise your hand if you agree with the looks on the faces of the dude and his drag queen friend behind her. Infamous early aughts scorched jerky mess Tan Mom (aka Patricia Krentcil) has returned from whatever dangerously overpowered tanning bed in which she had secreted herself. She’s here to wow us with her signature style once more! She’s got a new persona (“Patricia Marie”), a new wig, and a new autotune confection (“Free 2 Be Me”). Unfortunately for Patricia, she’s retained the same unsteadiness about her which can only be permanent sunstroke, and the same horrible enabler, “producer” Adam Barta. Let’s get into “Patricia Marie” and her new anthem for the overly pan-fried in the face and body.

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Excuse My Itchy-Looking Drunk Melted Basketball Beauty

February 1, 2014 / Posted by:

I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something nice to say about Tan Mom, and all I could come up with is the following:

– Her eyes are in the right place
– She is wearing black, and black is a color
– We can’t see any active sores or lesions, so that’s good
– It appears she’s not attacking a drag queen

Even that last one is a bit of a stretch, since I can’t confirm what she did before or after this picture was taken. But if we know anything about Tan Mom – and trust me, we know too much – it’s that she probably got drunk and tried to fight something other than her own personal demons.

For those of you looking at this picture and thinking ‘To what do we owe this awful, filthy-looking pleasure?’ Tan Mom graced everyone with her presence last night at Howard Stern’s 60th birthday party in New York. I guess Howard had a spot to fill on his guest list under the column marked ‘drunk-as-fuck sadness piles’ and since White Oprah’s too busy penning the Great American Novel, he sent a cab over to New Jersey to pick up the next best thing.

And Tan Mom didn’t disappoint; she rolled up to the red carpet looking like a wasted Goldie Hawn hand puppet took a shit on a crate of rotten clementines. She also drew the number 60 on her arm, although it looks more like she had started writing GO but fell asleep before she could finish writing GET ME HELP. As for her mouth: I didn’t know Tyrone Biggums made lipstick. But all of this pales in comparison to when she dropped to the floor to fix her shoes and flashed her Tan Snatch on the way back up. You can see the crotch shot below, and my gut instinct tells me it might be NSFW, but truthfully – I’m not entirely sure we’re even looking at a crotch. It’s more of a David Lynch-ian oven-roasted chicken wing.

(Pics: Splash)

Good News For Straight Dudes, This Sex Bomb Is Single Again!

November 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen above in her legendary photo shoot for Dagobah’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition, the orange pearl wrapped in a nest of dried seaweed that is Tan Mom is divorcing her husband of 8 years Richard Krentcil, because she knows that Prince Hot Ginge is searching for a wife and she’s the only pristine jewel on Earth who is exquisite enough to be England’s new princess. She’s divorcing her husband for Britain and America! Oh, and she’s dropping her husband because she says his dick is too small.

TMZ says that Richard’s supposed small peen situation isn’t the real reason why Tan Mom is divorcing him. His supposed infidelity is. Tan Mom and Richard were on that wreck of a TV show called The Test  and during a polygraph test he took on the show, the lie detector said he was telling lies after he denied passing his golf pencil dick to side whores. Tan Mom tells TMZ that’s the real reason why she’s taking the prestigious title of “Tan Mom’s husband” away from Richard. Tan Mom wants custody of their 2 kids (including the kid she tried to tan) and wants $1,000 per week in spousal and child support.

Even though Tan Mom said in her stand-up act (yes, she does stand-up) that Richard’s dick is the size of an ant’s pinky and the sex sucks, he still wants to work things out with her.

I have questions!

1. Is Richard’s dick small or does it just retreat into his body a little every time he sees Tan Mom naked, because it is intimidated by her charbroiled raw beauty?

2. If a judge is insane enough to give full custody of their kids to Tan Mom, do you think she’ll notice when her kids put two broken tanning bed light bulbs in their beds and run away to the Cushetunk Mountain to be raised by foxes?

And it really is a tragic week in America when two marriages we thought would last forever prove us wrong. The good news is that now Tan Mom and the Porn Iguana are free to star in a dating reality show together. Or they’re free to do a girl-on-girl scene for Brazzers together. Or both!

(Pic via Pacific Coast News)

Tan Mom Keeps Making Music Videos….

August 14, 2013 / Posted by:

….And I keep posting them for some reason.

If you really want to deep fry most of your brain cells until they’re as crispy and burnt as a McDonald’s fry left under a heat lamp, here’s an easy, yet painful as hell, way to do it! Just watch all of Tan Mom’s newest assault on your senses. Tan Mom’s first video was used as an anti-suntanning PSA and several rehabs used it as a tool to scare alcoholics off the bottle (it worked!). Tan Mom’s second video is going to have the same exact effect. Tan Mom has once again joined forces with Adam Barta for her second single “Life of the Party.” I don’t know what’s hurting the edges of my soul more: that parched weave, those “Tampa, FL alley hooker” outfits, that lipstick color, her lip-synching (which is on a 30-second delay), her giving head to a Pop Tart or her declaring that she doesn’t do anal. I know I should be into the paint job on Tan Mom’s face since it looks it was done by a deranged chola, but I’m not.

With all that being said, I’m sure “Life of the Party” has already knocked Lady CaCa’sApplesauce” off the #1 spot on iTunes in HELL.

via E! 

What Has Been Seen Can’t Be Unseen: Tan Mom’s Music Video

May 19, 2013 / Posted by:

I don’t know if this is some HIGH ART shit that belongs in the Whitney Biennial or just shit.

You better lay your best church outfit on the bed before hitting play, because this mess will make you want to run to Sunday mass to cleanse your eyes and ears in the largest vat of holy water. Tan Mom shat out a video for her song, “It’s Tan Mom,” and it’ll scar all of your senses. After watching the entire thing, my eyeballs broke out into a heat rash, I suffered from temporary heat stroke and all I wanted to do was lie naked in a bath tub full of ice cubes and bleach (which is what I’m sure all of the shameless gays in this mess did after the shoot). I just want to smear aloe vera all over my eyeballs, because it burns. This mess of a video is pretty much what the inside of my head looks like after I’ve been tanning while getting drunk on peach wine coolers all day.

Let me try to say a few nice things about this wreck…. Putting her face in the sun like the Teletubbies baby was a stroke of artistic genius. Kanye wishes he came up with that. And well, at least Tan Mom lip-synchs better than Brit Brit.

via TMZ

But What Tan Mom Really Wants To Do Is Porn!

April 20, 2013 / Posted by:

And there’s a headline that’ll make your genitals close up or run up into your body and never come out.

Tan Mom serving up some “burnt, beached manatee” glamour in her topless beach photo shoot was only the beginning and what she really wants to do is spread her deep fried oyster for a peen on camera.  Teen Mom Farrah is trying to get $2 million for the porn she made with James Deen and Tan Mom writes in a letter to Vivid that nobody wants to see some young ho lay down some whack amateur coochie game. What the public really wants to see is Tan Mom’s pork rind poon in action. Tan Mom writes:

“I see you are trying to buy this sex tape from this Teen Mom. Well, if you REALLY want to make more MONIES, then I would agree to let you film me and all my hotness. I am far MORE popular and WAY HOTTER than Farrah! Men want a cougar and a real woman, not a teenybopper. Contact me back if you’re ready to talk serious cash and rock the world.”

Steve Hirsch from Vivid isn’t exactly reaching into his wallet to pull out some MONIES to give to Tan Mom. His response was: “Unfortunately we don’t have a granny porn section on Vivid.com, but we feel your look would be perfect for radio. You could talk about everything you’ve ever done on a tanning bed.”

Steve Hirsch can eat his own ass. Tan Mom doesn’t belong in the granny porn category, she belongs in the leather fetish category. Get it right, Steve. But whatever, Tan Mom will show that beauty-hating Steve. She’ll team up with OctoMom, they’ll do a scissor porn together and make all the MONIES! The officials at Gitmo will buy every copy and use it as no-touch torture.

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