A Sane, Polite And Not-At-All Racist Lady Responds Reasonably To Not Getting A Receipt From Dunkin’ Donuts

June 10, 2013 / Posted by:

That headline was served on top of an extra large Sarcasmlatta.

I guess Dunkin’ Donuts has a policy that states that if you don’t get a receipt with your purchase, your next order is free. They should update that to read: “If we don’t give you a receipt, your next order is free, but that also doesn’t mean you can act like an insane piece of trash asshole.” Because some crazy lady didn’t get a receipt and responded by terrorizing Dunkin’ Donuts employees and recording it in the name of justice! This crazy lady goes on and on for 8 long, painful minutes. She even starts asking the dude in line behind her what he thinks and he doesn’t make eye contact, because one of the most important rules in life is that you never make eye contact with a crazy. She screams about how she has a business degree and then at the very end of the video, she solidifies herself as the worst by shouting some racist shit at the employee who didn’t give her a receipt.

There’s obviously not something right with her ass, because she can’t wait to post a video of her threatening to bomb a Dunkin’ Donuts on Facebook. She really can’t wait to post it and she can’t wait for the fake Facebook profiles she created to like it.

And since she wants to go to Mars so bad, can’t Sir Richard Branson please, please, please make her dreams come true?

via Guyism (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

Joe Francis Doesn’t Want You To See His Sex Tape

June 5, 2013 / Posted by:

Oh, irony, you really know how to make me happy.

The douche with the most punchable face in America recently said in a douchetastic interview with The Hollywood Reporter that it’s been reported that his dick is as thick as his head and as inflated as his ego and we might find out if it’s true (it isn’t) or not (it is not). TMZ says that Joe Francis is getting a very special going-away-to-prison gift. A sex tape starring the former head pimp of Girls Gone Wild and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson is up for sale and he’s trying really hard to keep it from touching your eyeballs.

Abbey, being the brilliant mind that she is, kept a copy of her fuck footage with Joe on her iPad and her iPad was “stolen” from her bag at LAX. The footage has several scenes of Joe and Abbey doing it. Joe’s attorney is disgusted by this, because Joe is the only one who’s allowed to make money off of the flashing of other people’s private parts. Joe’s attorney also said this:

“It is not only unfortunate, but it is a crime. As such, this office will take all necessary steps to determine who in fact has done this and who is attempting to distribute the video. When we catch you, we will see that you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of both the criminal and civil laws.”

Maybe who ever’s trying to sell the tape can sell a prison cell with Joe! That won’t be awkward at all.

Assuming that Joe’s not the one leaking his own tape, my throat filled with laughs just thinking of him freak out about everyone seeing his shaved crotch. (You know he shaves his pubes to make his peen look bigger.) But then I stopped laughing and started heaving, because I’m disgusted with myself for actually wanting to see a Joe Francis sex tape. I can’t help it, but for some strange reason I really want to see Abbey Wilson chin-fuck Joe right in the butt. My brain is a dumpster.

Here’s Joe and Abbey at Scott Isadick’s 30th birthday in Las Vegas on May 26th.

What In Down-And-Out Fly Girl Hell Is Adrienne Maloof Wearing?

June 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Because dignity has never been a friend of Adrienne Maloof’s, she left Chateau Marmont on Saturday night looking like a former In Living Color Fly Girl who fell on hard times and put on one of her old costumes to turn tricks for plastic surgery money. I’m all for hos of all ages dressing like a ho, but this is just tragic and even her cougar camel toe looks sad. Adrienne should be hanging her head in shame for two reasons: 1) that outfit and; 2) she’s a multi-millionaire and yet the only boy toy she can get is Sean Stewart’s bloated ass.

On two positive notes. Adrienne must have a strong neck of steel, because all that Botox in her face should be weighing her head down, causing her to break. Also, Adrienne should get points in creativity for coming up with new ways to remind the world that she is the epitome of desperate.

But whatever, Adrienne shouldn’t listen to my hating ass. If you bought it, flaunt it! (I’m talking about her face, those tits and Sean Stewart).

Rejoice, Pimp Mama Kris Has A New Girl To Pimp Out

June 3, 2013 / Posted by:

On last night’s episode of the Illuminati propaganda series Keeping up with the Kardashians, Kim Kartrashian gets an ultrasound to learn the sex of the Kimye fetus while Kanye West was on the other side of the world caring about more important things like which Rick Owens tunic he should wear with his Givenchy leather chaps.

While Pimp Mama Kris, Khlozilla and the slow one watched, the doctor screamed out, “It’s a boy! I see a peen! Oh wait, no, that’s just its devil horns. No really, it’s a boy! I really see a peen this time! Oh wait, no, it’s just flipping us off.” PMK asked the doctor if he saw a “pee pee” (Side note: Hearing PMK say the word “pee pee” is the reason why the floor below me is covered in barf.) and when he said he did not, Kim said, “It definitely would take after his father so you would see it.” And then Kim went on to say, “Not that I’ve ever seen it, but Riccardo Tisci told me it looks like a baby’s!”

After the doctor told Kim that she’s having a girl, she said some stuff about how girls are the best and Kanye wanted a girl. If you listen closely, you can hear the rattling of PMK’s crotch muscles as she tries her hardest to keep the geyser of liquid excitement from squirting out of her after hearing the news that she has a new generation of girls to whore out on the ho stroll.

So that’s that, Kim and Kanye are having a girl and if God is real, Krisonda Yeezus West Kardashian will be a butch lesbian anarchist who will rally against the one percent and rise up against superficiality by burning down Botox factories.

And here’s some pictures from Kim’s baby shower on Saturday. This mess looks less like a baby shower and more like a reunion of shitty E! reality hos. In order: PMK, a raggedy Muppet urchin, Tracy Anderson, Maria Menounos, Carole Bayer Sager (aka the only real beauty there), NeNe (wearing some crap that used to be the skirt around a circus elephant’s platform), Kelly Osbourne, Scary Spice, Kanye, Khlozilla, Kimbo Stewart and The Gastineau Ghouls.

The Cops Are Investigating Justin Bieber For Driving Like A Crazy Bitch

May 28, 2013 / Posted by:

Because I grew up in Southern California, I learned how to drive before I learned that shitting in the tub is not a good idea. (“Didn’t you just learn the latter like a week ago?” – you “Good point.” – me) In kindergarten, I learned the laws of the road before I learned how to write my full name. There was a little track in the kindergarten playground and for about 30 minutes a day, all us little kids would drive around it on Big Wheels. The teachers and aides would stand at different points on the track with traffic signs in their hands and we’d have to do what the traffic sign said. If it was a stop sign, we’d stop. If it was a slow sign, we’d slow down. If it was a yellow caution sign with a family running for their lives on it, we’d watch for Mexicans running across the highway. (I CAN’T with that sign. Not now. Not ever.) Well, Justin Bieber needs to spend a year at my old kindergarten, because he still doesn’t know how to obey traffic laws.

TMZ says that two of Justin Bieber’s neighbors called the police on Sunday when he sped through the streets AGAIN in his Ferrari while children were playing. When the police showed up to Justin’s gated community in Calabasas, CA, he was already inside his house and refused to talk to them. A rep for the L.A. County Sheriff Department said that once they’re done investigating Justin Bieber’s acts of reckless driving, they’re going to hand the case to the District Attorney.

But by the time the D.A. gets the case, Justin Bieber’s bodyguards might be peeling him off of the bottom of Keyshawn Johnson’s shoe. Apparently, former NFL player Keyshawn Johnson was one of the neighbors who didn’t appreciate Justin Bieber playing real-life Gran Turismo on the streets. Keyshawn was driving his Prius with his kid in the car when the Biebs sped by in his Ferrari. The sight of Justin speeding put Keyshawn in full-on “get off my lawn” mode. Keyshawn dropped his kid off at home and chased the Biebs’ Ferrari down in his Prius. When they got to the Biebs’ house, Keyshawn blocked his Ferrari in the driveway and got out to handle that little bitch. Since Justin is the size of a baby bunny’s kidney stone and Keyshawn is 6’4″, Justin got scared and ran his little ass inside and didn’t come out.

Why oh why didn’t someone record this glorious moment on a cell phone and upload it to YouTube? I wouldn’t even care if they shot it in portrait mode and portrait mode is my Kryptonite. The image of Justin Bieber pulling up his droopy diaper pants and screaming for his mommy while running away from Keyshawn would’ve made my week.

Seeing a hard motherfucker shit into his Underoos while crying for Jesus must’ve made Keyshawn say to himself “too easy,” because he drove his Prius back home. It would’ve been easy too. If Keyshawn just flicked his fingers at Justin really fast, Justin would’ve exploded into Beanie Baby sand. We should never forgive Keyshawn for not flicking his fingers at Justin when he had the chance.

The Difficult Brown Could Go To Prison For Violating Probation

May 27, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like Queen Latifah’s girlfriend in Set It Off, The Difficult Brown could find himself soaping up his b-hole in a shower room full of prison bitches, because there’s a chance he might be thrown into a prison cell (he won’t). Chris Brown is on probation for nearly beating RiRi’s face off and he’s supposed to be on his best behavior at all times. But since he’s Chris Brown, he doesn’t have the ability to behave and he loves to act like an insufferable asshole whenever he gets the chance.

Chris ran his Range Rover into the back of a car in L.A. a few days ago and immediately broke the nerves of the other driver by refusing to exchange information. Usually when you get into a small car accident with a sane non-asshole, you exchange information before going your separate ways. But when you get into a car accident with Chris Brown, you nearly grind your teeth into dust, because trying to pull information out of him is like trying to pull a stubborn doody bubble out of your own ass.

TMZ says that Chris refused to give the driver he rear-ended his drivers license number. She kept asking for it and he kept refusing to give it to her. Chris did give her insurance information, but it turned out to be the wrong information.

Leaving the scene of an accident without exchanging proper and valid information is a crime, so the LAPD wants to talk to Chris. If he’s charged with quitting the scene without giving valid information, a judge could declare that he violated his probation and he could to go to prison for 4 years.

Well, we can never accuse Chris Brown of being smart in the brains. All he had to do was give the lady the right information and he couldn’t even do that right. Let’s not pop the Andre just yet, because I doubt he’ll ever see the inside of a prison cell. But damn, what kind of twat hits someone’s car and gives that someone fake insurance information? If Chris wanted to avoid insurance shit, he should’ve just pulled ten thousand dollars out of his asshole and given it to the lady. I bet that after he tricked her, he maniacally laughed while driving away. He’s worse than a cartoon villain.

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