Now THIS Is An Act Of Pure Love

A new line needs to be added to all marriage vows. Before you’re officially declared married, you need to shout out an ALL-CAPS, bolded, italicized “FUCK YES” to the following: “Do you promise to love, honor, and trust your piece in sickness and in health, and also let them spit their gum into your mouth if they win an award and need to give a speech?”

Distractify posted a series of GIFS as evidence that expert penguin purse holder Peter Dinklage spit his gum into the mouth of his wife of 10 years, Erica Schmidt, before he went onto the stage to accept the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama. When Peter’s name was called, he kissed Erica, pulled away, realized he’s chewing gum and it looked like she put out her hand like, “Dump it in my hand.” Peter then went in for another kiss and that’s when the two may have redefined the meaning of “true love” by passing that chewed-up piece of gum. Peter sort of confirmed the whole act of touching, heartwarming sweetness by telling the audience, “I wasn’t prepared at all. I was even chewing gum.” Pull out your Detective La Toya® brand magnifying glass to see for yourself if Erica proved that she’s ride chew or die:

The evidence says: SHE DID!. That is almost “stick your finger up my ass and pop my stubborn doody bubble” levels of real love. And this isn’t really “snowballing” since they’re passing a wad of gum instead of a cum load. So what do we call this? Gumballin’?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By Peter Dinklage Majestically Holding A Penguin Purse

Who cares if Peter Dinklage’s tragic blond highlights look like they were done by my 7th grade friend Ruby with a bottle of Sun-In and a blow dryer that kept breaking? Who cares if his man-bun is the saddest man-bun that ever existed? Who cares about any of that? The only thing that matters is that Peter Dinklage holds a penguin purse better than anyone who has held a penguin purse before him. After he won the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama and Game Of Thrones won Outstanding Drama Series, he took Maisie Williams’ penguin purse and showed her and the rest of us how to hold it the right way. Peter Dinklage held that purse like he was presenting it to the Gods. That picture has got me humming the beginning of Circle of Life, because Peter is majestically holding that penguin purse like it will one day be the king of the penguin purses.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

What In Project Runway Secret Bedazzled Bike Shorts Hell?

On second thought, Kerry Washington’s Emmy dress isn’t exactly Project Runway-levels of WTF (there’s not nearly enough peplums or random-ass fabric “flowers”). It’s actually closer in range to something Tina Knowles would have thrown together last-minute for Michelle Williams, if Tina Knowles ran out of satin, denim, neon lace, redundant belt buckles, fringe, and only had a bolt of busted Tang-colored jersey, some leftover ribbon scraps, and a pair of Beyoncé’s old sequined hot pants. Even Kerry Washington knows she looks not-great. Her face is like: “HAAAAAY! I’m a mess, but everyone loves me, so haters to the left!”

It’s a scientific fact that Kerry Washington can’t ever look bad, so technically this look falls into the category of ‘Not exactly a home-run’. But sometimes you just say fuck it, I’m wearing black-tie bike shorts and a dress with weird seams that make it look like I’m a reflection in a Fun House mirror, and applying some dusty blue garage doors to my eyelids and if I have time, I’ll finger-comb some Batiste dry shampoo through my hair in the limo, because YOLO. Or LIGAF. Or whatever the acronym for “fuck effort, I’m only here for the booze” is.

But my say something nice is that she kind of looks like what the lazy sluts do on Halloween when they forgot to get a costume and all they have to work with is an orange dress from Bebe, so they just go out to the club as “Sexy..uh…Halloween Girl?“, which is literally my favorite thing ever.

Here’s more of Kerry, as well as all the other fancy-dressed hos from the Emmys in no particular order. Just kidding! I put the hottest first! Jon Hamm (the whole gallery should be pictures of Jon Hamm from various angles, but I don’t wanna be a creep)(too late)! Christina “Chichi Queen” Hendricks! Peter Dinklage! Donna from That 70s Show!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

This Is The Look: Peter Dinklage With A Mullet

Add Peter Dinklage’s name to the short list of hos who brought glamour, style and poise to their high school yearbook picture. A Redditor posted this picture of Peter Dinklage looking like a guinea pig is taking a nap on his head while posing for his 1987 graduation picture at The Delbarton School in Morristown, N.J. He was the Bay City Roller that never was.

This is a cross between 80s Ellen DeGeneres and Uncle Jesse. It’s party in the front AND party in the back.

via Reddit (Thanks Kim)

BREAKING NEWS: Peter Dinklage Doesn’t Own A Hairbrush

“Me neither!” said everyone currently logged into a Game of Thrones internet forum.

Peter Dinklage, who you may know as “Tyrion Lannister” from Game of Thrones, took a break from being one of the Internet’s Boyfriends (Benedict Cumberbatch and Matt Smith said he could take the day off) to do an Ask Me Anything on Reddit today. In between answering questions about the show and swords and winter is coming or whatever (I have no idea what GoT is about), a brilliant genius took the words ask me anything at their most literal and asked him what he does to his gorgeous hair to make it look like a cocker spaniel puppy took a nap on his head:

“It’s called not owning a brush. Or a comb. That’s my secret. Just don’t buy a comb.”

Oooh, you hear that combs? Shots fired! The beef of 2014 is on! Better pick a side now before it’s too late (I choose combs, but only because if I didn’t, I’d always look like a drunken rat orgy took place in my hair the night before). But the most important thing I learned from Peter’s AMA is that he’s “good friends” with Karyn Parsons. Excuse you, Peter Dinklage, but being “good friends” with THE Hilary Banks is the only thing I have questions about. Questions such as: “What’s it like to have such a glamorous friend?” and “Do you realize how lucky you are to be good friends with Hilary Banks???” 

I Guess That’s One Way To Greet Bradley Cooper…

Um, where do I submit my application/credentials to be the red carpet fluffer at next year’s SAG Awards?

Before a bunch of actors went into the Shrine Auditorium in L.A. to suck each other off while accepting their SAG Award, Bradley Cooper got a little dude-on-dude action on the red carpet. You’re probably looking at that picture and thinking, “John Travolta lost a bunch of chunk and finally got a believable wig!” That picture does look like the Scientology version of taking communion.

At first I thought the dude on his knees was Leonardo DiCatchAHo and B. Coop lured him to his crotch by putting Victoria’s Secret Angel wings on his dick. But E! says that the dude who got a face full of Cooper crotch is Ukrainian prankster Vitalii Sediuk. Vitalii tried to crash Adele’s speech at the Grammy’s last year but JLo’s hungry hungry hippo ass swallowed him up and spit him out in the parking lot. When B. Coop, Mandy Patinkin and Michael Pena realized that Vitalii was turning that red carpet into a glory hole (without the wall), they laughed, they picked him up and the crotch sniffer was escorted off of the carpet. Surprisingly, he didn’t get his ass whooped. So when some Ukrainian prankster puts his face on a dude’s dick area without permission, he’s gently escorted out of the area. But when I do the same thing with a fellow consenting gay at Runyon Canyon Park, I get tased by the police and dragged off to jail. Got it.

Here’s more of B. Coop and the other dudes of the SAG Awards.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com