Dolly Parton Offered RuPaul Some Light Reading
What more is there to say about the woman who is arguably our greatest living American that hasn’t already been said? Dolly Parton‘s talented— duh. Hard-working— without a doubt. Stunning to behold— you bet your sweet ass. Generous and kind to everyone she meets— of course, but if your face is busted, she’s gonna let you know. And that’s just what she did, in the Dollyiest possible way, to RuPaul while he was interviewing her over Zoom for Marie Claire. Don’t fuck with Dolly, she hasn’t given away 150 million books to children without knowing her way around the mother-fucking library, okurrr. And Dolly’s library opens at 3:00 AM every damn day and stays open LATE.
Last year Dolly told the New York Times that she sleeps with her face beat in case of fire or her tour bus crashes. In her interview with Ru Paul, she added earthquakes to her list of reasons we’ll never see her looking a mess. Dolly gets up at no later than 3:00 AM and says “I do some of my best spiritual work, some of my best writing, and some of my business work—call-ins and letters that I’m writing or whatever—between 3 a.m. and 7 a.m.” So you better believe that by the time she has to face the world, she’s had plenty of time to apply that face. But apparently, even though Ru gets up at 4:00 AM every day to check on his fracking wells or whatever, he still looked a mess when he met with Dolly over Zoom. Dolly had just cooked her husband breakfast which included scratch biscuits with cream gravy when this exchange infinitesimally shifted the earth’s axis.
RP: When you were cooking, were you wearing your high heels?
DP: I always wear my high heels. Don’t you?
RP: No. That’s the thing: There are similarities in what we do, but I take all that stuff off.
DP: Well, I don’t. I have to always stay ready—street ready, I always say. I have to keep my makeup on and keep my hair done. Like, when I’m in L.A.—I’ve told you about it—if it’s going to earthquake, if we get an earthquake, I’m not running out in the street looking like you look now.
Lord Jesus, it’s a fire. Excuse me, I need to call 911 real quick. I’m out of breath and experiencing sympathetic chest pains. Also, there has been a murder. RuIP Paul. Dolly added, speaking to RuPaul’s homely corpse:
I have to be ambulance-ready at all times, if I get sick or something. But I actually do wear high heels most of the time. They’re not always as high as the ones I wear for show. But I’m little. I’m short. And I have to wear heels in order to reach my cabinets. But I always enjoy wearing the shoes too, and I just feel more like me. But I can come down, though. I’m comfortable in my own skin; I’m comfortable with my image. I dress for myself more than I do for somebody else.
Dolly went on to explain the difference between a yaas queen and an actual “living queen“, being sure to let Ru know his wigs are too old and dusty to be wearing in public.
RP: People always ask me about how many wigs I have, and I name each of them different names. But my oldest wigs…I have wigs that I still wear that are about 23 years old. Do you have wigs that are that old?
DP: I do, but most of them are more museum-type pieces too. I don’t think I have any that I wear that are that old now, but I know what you mean. See, you’re a drag queen. Those are like costumes to you. This is my living self. I am a living drag queen. You dress up just now and then, but for me, though, I like the wigs and I wear them almost every day. So, people ask me how many wigs I have, I say, “Well, I must have at least 365,” because I wear one almost every day. But I actually keep my own hair the same color and I just kind of pull it up in little scrunchies around the house. But I still like to put on makeup and have my hair fluffed.
Don’t bother trying to picture Dolly walking around the house with her natural hair fluffed up and in a scrunchie. I just tried and every molecule in my body rejected the image. It’s not something we mere mortals should entertain. That way madness lies.
Pic: Marie Claire