Meredith Vieira Officially Quits Today

In an announcement we all saw coming, Meredith Vieira got a little teary in the eyes this morning when she told the Today Show’s viewers that she’s quitting that bitch after 5 years in June to spend more quality time with her husband and children. Meredith will no longer spend her mornings verbally yanking at Matt Lauer’s nuts and trying to figure out how Ann Curry’s eyebrows came to be. Stonehenge brows is the make-up department’s nickname for the shit Ann has over her eyes. But on to Meredith’s announcement.

“This is a difficult day for me. I’m going to try to hold myself together here. After months of personal reflection and private conversations with my family and my friends I’ve decided to leave Today in June. Even as I say this, and I know it’s the right thing, I’m really sad because for the past, I like to say 10 years, this has been my second home.

I’ve really had a great time, but time is one of those weird things you can never get enough of it. It just keeps ticking away. I know I want to spend mine with my husband Richard and kids who are now rolling their eyes and going, ‘No more time, mom.’ But I’m going to do it anyway. It means I can’t be here every day. I hope to stay in the NBC family that is my goal.”

Ann Curry will replace Meredith, Natalie Morales will replace Ann and Savannah Guthrie will replace Natalie.

It isn’t a good morning until Ann Curry says it fifty times and nobody can read the news like she can (I’m lying), but her celebrity interviews are just a pile of lukewarm cheese vomit. Like this morning, NeNe Leakes was on (SPOILER ALERT) to talk about how she quit Celebrity Apprentice because the environment was just too toxic for her. Blah. Blah. Blah. And Ann actually faked sympathy by throwing NeNe an “awww” followed by a comforting knee grab. ANN! A stupid reality ho quitting a stupid reality show does not deserve a manufactured “aww.” It deserves an eye roll followed by the line, “Oh, I’ll tell the surviving victims of Chernobyl that they should stop their whining and pray for you to recover from the toxic poisoning you’re suffering through.”

There’s going to be many looooong mornings now that I’m waking up to Ann.

Everybody’s Leaving “Today”

Soon the halls of The Today Show will only be filled with the memories of Meredith Vieira’s nervous laugh and Matt Lauer’s flirt eyes, because the two of them are not interested in signing their names on another contract. At least that’s what the media is saying. Yesterday, TVGuide said that Meredith won’t be renewing her contract this year, because she wants to spend more time with her family and is sick of going to work at the hour of the whore walk of shame. I mean, if you’re up at 4, you want to be doing the whore walk of shame instead of going to a job. And now Entertainment Tonight says Matt Lauer will leave Today at the end of 2012, after 15 years on the show. Who’s going to be glib? Who’s going to cross their legs and throw “come hither on my crotch” looks at models? These are the questions.

Today would not comment on contract negotiations and only said that as of now there’s no changes to their cast. But that hasn’t stopped anyone from speculating replacements. Ann Curry, Savannah Guthrie, Kathie Lee Gifford (that one is brought to you by my wishful thinking) and Natalie Morales have all been tossed around as possibilities for Meredith’s replacement. But you know, I don’t think they need to replace Meredith or Matt when/if they leave. Just cancel that whole shit and give all 4 hours to WILLARD FUCKING SCOTT!

YES! And we never have to worry about Willard going away, because he’s going to live forever. Willard has proven that the secret to a long life is saying “Smuckers” every damn morning.