Joe Biden And Kamala Harris Have Won!
FUCKING FINALLY! “You’re fired!” – America to trump.
You’re probably reading this from inside of a Russian research vessel with a $200 million necklace in your pocket because we’re all Old Rose from Titanic since we’ve been waiting 84 years for this election to fucking end. It’s been decades since Election Day, and yes 2000-me is looking at 2020-me like, “Calm down, we had to wait until DECEMBER, also you should’ve used more moisturizer, trick!” But the 2020 U.S. Presidential Election has finally been called. Joe Biden is now the President-elect and with Kamala Harris, we will soon have our first woman and person of color Vice President!!! Well, the good news for Trump is that he no longer has to pretend like he doesn’t know how to pronounce Kamala’s name because he can keep it simple and call her Madame Vice President. And that thud you heard wasn’t only from all of the White House silverware falling out of Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric’s coats as they try to smuggle stuff out. It’s also from Election Night Masters, CNN’s John King and MSBNC’s Steve Kornacki, passing out into 4-year comas, which they’ll wake up from on Election Night 2024.
Biden is ahead in Arizona (although, AP already called it for Biden), Nevada, and Georgia (thanks to Stacey Abrams), but it was Pennsylvania that came through and gave him the keys to the White House. So those twerking mailboxes and that bootleg Gritty are really twerking some extra right now, via CNN:
Joe Biden will become the 46th president of the United States, CNN projects, after a victory in the state where he was born put him over the 270 electoral votes needed to win.
With Pennsylvania’s 20 electoral votes, Biden now has a total of 273 electoral votes.
Before becoming the Democratic presidential nominee, Biden served as vice president under former President Barack Obama. He is also Delaware’s longest-serving senator.
The demons of the underworld don’t have to worry about heating up their butt plugs in the microwave since there’s not a risk of Hell freezing over from Trump actually conceding and giving a concession speech today. I doubt that’s going to happen because Trump is too busy screaming FRAUD, announcing his new career in landscaping, filing lawsuits, Googling, “Can I do an executive order making me president for infinity times infinity?“, and really getting back at Joe Biden by smearing Vaseline on the White House toilet seats and putting salt in the sugar bowls. And as he does that, Melania Trump is in the corner of her office, quietly doing the “I Don’t Have To Decorate For Fucking Christmas” shuffle of happiness before calling divorce lawyers while the soon-to-be-jobless Fauxlanias type out a Craigslist ad proclaiming that they’re available for birthday parties and bar mitzvahs.
Pic: Medium