The Alien Lizard King Did Not Win A BAFTA Award Tonight

Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.

Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.

Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.

BEST FILM
Boyhood
Birdman
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
71
The Imitation Game
Paddington
Pride
Under the Skin

LEADING ACTOR
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel

LEADING ACTRESS
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

DIRECTOR
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

SUPPORTING ACTOR
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler

Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?

Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Sorry Awards Show Writers, But Julia Roberts Says Whatever Julia Roberts Wants To Say

Because the batteries died in my remote control and I was too lazy to get up and change the channel (lazy/drunk, same thing), I watched the SAG Awards last night. Yes, instead of the Miss Universe pageant; don’t worry, my brain is still cursing me out for it. Except for the part where legendary no-fucks-given type Julia Roberts gave no fucks and verbally jerked off Mark Ruffalo during the presentation of an award he wasn’t even nominated for. At that point, my brain was like “Okay, you’re off the hook for now…”

Pretty Woman was there to announce the winner of the award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role (which eventually went to adorable freckled elf Eddie Redmayne), but before she announced anything, she said this:

“Good evening. They had a wordy little tongue twister for me to start with about how fabulous actors are, but instead, I just want to say, Mark Ruffalo is one outstanding actor. I am so absolutely tickled to my toes that he won tonight. He wasn’t here. Waiting for that Nor’easter.”

Mark Ruffalo had just won the SAG award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Miniseries or Television Movie for The Normal Heart, but couldn’t be there to accept his award because he was too busy being a major hunk at home or something. NO! He had to work. And Julia wasn’t being a spotlight-yanking bitch, she was just excited for her friend. A friend who could make anybody swoon to the moon, so I give her a pass.

But that Julia Roberts is definitely my favorite kind of Julia Roberts. The one that’s like “Yes, I know you stayed up till 3am sitting on a busted chair in a dank writers room thinking of something clever for me to read off the teleprompter, but Julia Roberts does what Julia Roberts wants” before lowering a pair of black sunglasses over her eyes like the Deal With It dog. Case in point, Julia Roberts wearing a sexy tuxedo jumpsuit onesie to the SAG Awards:

Pics: Wenn.com

And Somewhere, A Make-Up Artist Was Just Hit With A Lightning Bolt Thrown By God

HD powder claims another victim!

Celebwhores: Zero.

HD powder: Too many to count!

Just like Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman and Sabrina the Teenage Witch before her ass, a make-up artist proved that they are an unholy Satanist by fucking with St. Angie Jolie’s face and slapping her down with that powder that makes you look Scarface when a flash hits you. St. Angie was Brad Pitt’s date to The Normal Heart premiere in NYC last night and she looked like a malnourished baby alligator that a chef at a creole restaurant just dipped in flour and was about to toss in a fryer pan. Who ever did that to St. Angie has probably been struck by lighting and is a pile of dust right now, but I want to use a Ouija board to contact their ghost and tell them that I love them for making her look like an over-used coke straw with veins. She looks like Rob Ford just farted in her face.

But seriously, I’m sure that’s not powder. It’s queef dust from the angels. She is St. Angie after all.

Here’s more pictures from last night’s The Normal Heart premiere including pictures of basic ho, basic ho, MATT BONER!!!, basic ho, basic ho and JUDITH LIGHT!!!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Mark Ruffalo Is Not Well-Endowed, Says Mark Ruffalo

Size queens, update your files, because Mark Ruffalo was overheard telling a bunch of journalists at a roundtable for The Avengers that he’s about as hung as a Waterpik and that your clit could probably pin down his peen in a wrestling march. Mark had to wear a taint-suffocating motion capture suit to play The Hulk and apparently it made his crotch look like an earthworm wearing a leotard. HuffPo says this is what Mark told everyone about his dick situation:

“Yes, and that was my first day and that was a miserable day. It was smoky, it was hell and I felt really uncomfortable. I’m not well-endowed, and those suits don’t really show you off in the most…”

This news should really get the “WHO CARES” stamp, because who really does care if you have to suck in with your coochie so his pinky dick doesn’t slip out and who cares that you can suck on his entire peen while licking his b-hole at the same time. You’re still humping on Mark Fucking Ruffalo! Sometimes it’s all about the piece and less about the piece’s piece. Take Donald Trump’s gross, ugly, disgusting ass for instance….

The Trump called into TMZ yesterday to talk about letting Hot Slut inductee and transgender beauty queen Jenna Talackova back into the Miss Universe pageant. Miss Universe agreed to let Jenna back in after she proved that she’s legally a female by showing them her passport and other documents. Gloria Allred is representing Jenna (of course) and held one of her fame whore press conferences where she said that it’s wrong for Miss Universe to ask for proof since nobody has asked Donald Trump to take off his pants to prove he’s got a peen. Donald said that if he took off his chonies in front of Gloria, she’d be impressed by his “manhood.”

The Trump’s junk must be big, because it’s making me gag up a vom ball and I’ve never even seen it. But this just proves my point. Who would you rather? Mark Ruffalo or a bloated, fart-filled swamp frog with a big dick and comb over pubes? You’d probably pick the hung swamp frog since you’re a pig slut with no standards!

So if The Trump is telling the truth about his big fat dick (which you know he’s not), then he’s a pain in the ass in more ways than one.

I Just GOOPED In My Mouth

The question “How can you make Mark Ruffalo less fap-worthy?” has been answered with a mouth full of cold GOOP.

Mark Ruffalo looked like he was trying to swallow a load of barf and exhale at the same time as he shot a kissing scene with human activated charcoal Fishsticks Paltrow for their new movie called That Movie Where Mark Ruffalo Plays The Same Character He Plays In All His Movies. The director must have yelled at these two “Make it look like two scared blind trout trying to find the same piece of worm,” because that’s exactly what it looks like. They nailed it! If you’re thinking it looks more like two scared porn star vaginas trying not to cry while sharing Charlie Sheen’s dick, then you’re right too.

Mark is open-mouth heaving because he just read an advanced copy of GOOP’s (f)art issue and Fishy’s trying to ignore the fact that his breath smells like drugstore gum and soda that comes from a can. WISH YOURSELF INTO YOUR HAPPY PLACE (aka an ivory-covered bedroom bath tub filled with the amniotic fluid of a beluga whale), GOOP!

Nerd Creamer Of The Day: The Avengers In NYC

In case you missed it, here’s ScarJo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Pine, Robert Downey Jr., Mark Ruffalo and Chris Hemsworth playing dress up on the NYC set of The Avengers on Saturday morning.

You know, if you took everything I know about The Avengers and used it to power your American flag finger vibrator this Labor Day, you’d be the opposite of patriotic because that shit wouldn’t bust out one tingle due to the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Avengers. Nothing. I don’t know what their damn costumes do. I don’t know why they’re running around. I don’t know why Jeremy Renner is dressed like a top at a gay leather bar who carries skinny starter dildos in a wine bottle carrier just in case he runs into a trainee bottom who needs a little assistance in the loosening up department. I don’t know!

But I do know that The Avengers desperately needs the bulge budget that Superman has.