Category: Small Ones
Post Malone Wants Everyone To Know His Recent Weight Loss Is From Healthy Living And “Dad Life” And Not Because Of Drugs
Post Malone is nearing the homestretch of his global Twelve Carat Tour, and ever since it began in September 2022, he’s been noticeably shrinking. A few months ago, his dad spoke up to assure fans that they didn’t need to be worried about Post because he’d just been making healthier choices, and the weight loss was not due to illness or drug addiction. But that must not have been enough to quell the chatter because Post himself just made a post of his own to once again let everyone know he’s NOT doing drugs, and he’s just made a conscious effort to improve his health so he can be around longer for his daughter. Not once mentioned? Ozempic. Kyle Richards approves of this message!
With An Assist From Greta Thunberg, “Alpha Male” Andrew Tate’s “Clap Back” Pizza May Have Delivered Him To Romanian Authorities For Questioning About A Human Trafficking Ring
It’s easy to get discouraged by the state of the world in #thesecontinuedtryingtimes, but much like that wise woman of song and science, Dr. Whitney Houston, I too believe the children are our future. After all, Whitney’s paradigm of progenic potential has already come to pass. Case in point: Former child, environmental activist, and 2019’s Time Magazine Person of the Year, Greta Thunberg, now 19, may be single-handedly responsible for facilitating one of the greatest self-own’s in modern history. And in doing so, has successfully neutralized one of the world’s most noxious sources of pollution, “alpha male influencer” Andrew Tate. And as a bonus, she’s taken 33 gas-guzzling automobiles off our roads and into the custody of the Romanian police force.
Kevin Smith Was Very Worried About His Small Dick During His Heart Attack Ordeal
Kevin Smith went on Facebook Live to offer more details about his heart attack and it turns out the only thing scarier to Kevin than death itself, is the thought of people looking at his little dick. And since he had to get crotch shaved like John Cena to get a life-saving LAD stent put in, a whole bunch of people got a good look at his tootsie roll. And now you’ve pictured it too, and for that I’m terribly sorry.
Would You Hit It?
Insert obligatory “No, but I know he’d hit me with a 2X4 and never apologize to me for it” joke here.
Future LAPD Officer Marky Mark took a little break from his I’m A Do Gooder Now national tour to get in a little family photo-op action in Barbados with his wife Rhea Durham and their kids. Marky Mark is giving you pasty buff midget prison daddy bottom. These pictures have left my fuck parts in a state of confusion. If I stare at his troll daddy body, I get a slight case of the tingles, but as soon as my eyes scroll up and see that Marky Mark’s head is attached to that body the tingles turn into the heaves. Why does that head have to be attached to that body? Butthishead!
These pictures of Marky Mark being a devoted family man and wonderful husband smells like douche fumes and PR, but I am a little surprised that he didn’t go all the way. I’m surprised he didn’t spend his Christmas in Vietnam where photographers magically caught him giving presents to children and hugging the locals. He’s probably saving that move for the week before his pardon hearing.
And in many of the photo agency pictures from Marky Mark’s vacation, his wife is doing this:
Seriously, there’s picture after picture of her showing off her ass. Oh, and she’s also popping her butt out in the pictures too.
Pics: Splash
Justin Bieber Stripped Down To His Underwear Last Night And Lara Stone’s Face Says It All
Today, all of our thoughts about a topless Justin Bieber are best expressed through Lara Stone screaming, “don’t look down, DON’T look down,” on the inside.
The Kid Sister on HGH doll made an appearance at Fashion Rocks on CBS last night and when he sashayed out onto the stage to introduce a performance by Rita Whora with model Lara Stone, some people in the audience greeted his ass the way everyone should greet him: they slapped him down with a wave of BOOOOOOOOS. Most toddlers would bust out a silent cry before melting into a puddle of rejection if they were booed, but not the Biebs. The Biebs pulled off his blazer from Gymboree’s Miami Vice Collection and stripped down to his Calvins. Those are the weirdest diapers I’ve ever seen.
The good news for all of us is that the Biebs wore boxers briefs instead of tighty whities. I don’t think any of us were built to take in the image of Justin Bieber’s camel toe. Some people continued to throw boos at the Biebs, but some sucio bitches who should be arrested screamed and their loud screeches are still echoing through the Barclays Center this morning. Workers are cursing those nasty whores as they scrub the stickiness from the floor.
One time while waiting in line at McDonald’s (that is going to be the title of my memoirs, FYI), there was a lady a couple of people in front of me with three brats who were screaming at the top of their lungs and acting like hyenas on speed. They were running around and the mom was on the verge. The mom’s two boys started slapping each other and as she tried to break them up, her little girl started taking off all her clothes. The mom saw what was going down, screamed and covered her daughter with her body while running off to the bathroom. That’s what Lara Stone should’ve done. Lara should’ve screamed, covered Justin’s body and pulled him to the bathroom. But instead she just nervously giggled while waiting for Chris Hansen to show up.
The clip of this mess is below (click here for a clip where you can hear the boos more clearly):
Those grown man moans… I didn’t know Bryan Singer had such a deep voice!
Pics: Getty, Splash
Here Comes Your Lunch: Enrique Iglesias Talks About His ‘Defective’ Penis
We’re going to have to get in the way-back machine for this one, but remember a couple of years ago when Enrique Iglesias joked about having a small wiener, and not two seconds later pulled a “SIKE! Just kidding!!”? Cut to his dick at home screaming “OH HELL NAW” as it dumps all his clothes out onto the front lawn and blows up his phone with texts that say WHY R U LYING ABOUT ME!! and U ASHAMED? There’s nothing worse than a dramatic penis, am I right? Well, it appears that he and his dick have kissed and made-up, because Enrique tells Page Six he’s ready to come clean about his small peen:
Newly single after breaking up with his tennis-pro gal pal Anna Kournikova in September, Iglesias was asked how he spends his time off in Miami.
“I go skinny-dipping if there are no paparazzi around,” he revealed. When Cobo asked where he goes full-frontal, Iglesias replied: “I’m not going to tell you because it would ruin my career. There’s not a lot to show off.”
And when further asked what his “best trait and worst defect” are, the suddenly self-deprecating singer responded: “My worst defect is from my waist down. I’m sorry, no, that’s not my worst defect . . . but it is a little curved.”
A small, crooked dick? Better get out your list of potential fucks and cross Gillette and Tai off. Or better still, stop talking about how small your dick is! Nobody cares about how small, crooked, wrinkled, discolored, or hairy a peener is when it’s paying for nice dinners and vacations. So side-step all the judgemental size queens and get yourself a gold digger. A true gold digger believes it’s not the size of the ship or the motion of the ocean, but the stash of the cash.
And if that fails, then try the internet; if TLC’s Strange Sex has taught me anything, it’s that there is definitely a market for your weird mini-boomerang dick (and yes, I did do an image search for that; pray for me).
(Pic via Splash)