You ever see a couple and the only thing you can think about is how the fuck do they have sex? Well, here’s a doozy for you. The guy who plays Gregor Clegane, aka The Mountain, on Game of Thrones is a real big boy. Like rhull, rhull big. Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (all praise to the Copy/Paste Gods) is 6’ 9” and weighs over 400 pounds. According to Us Weekly, he just married his girlfriend Kelsey Henson who is 5’ 2” and can’t weigh more than a buck. Kelsey is 28 and Hafþór is 49. Psyche! Hafþór is only 29! Somehow this is really surprising. Like, I assumed it took at least a couple of decades to become The World’s Strongest Man (a title he currently holds). But I was wrong, he’s a mere youth. The couple got married in Hafþór’s home country of Iceland.
The pictures of Orlando Bloom’s paddle boarding dick were some of the most newsworthy images of last year, and so during an interview today with the Australian radio show Kyle & Jackie O Show, Katy Perry was asked about them.
I’m pressing pause on my regularly scheduled program of making bad dick jokes and slobbering at the mouth about dick like dick is the only thing that matters (it is) to bring you pictures of an actual dick!
Milan Christopher is an out and proud hip-hop artiste, model and Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood cast member, and he decided to celebrate Gay Pride Month by bringing out the Wienerschnitzel franchise on his crotch for Paper Magazine. Milan tells Paper that he decided to let his south-pointing lubed-up salchicha hang out for the sake of activism. Milan feels like it’s time for society to be okay with the sight of a greased-up naked man. Sure, Milan bared his perfectly pruned dick shrub (which is giving me Kid from Kid ‘N Play meets Bart Simpson) and oily peen for attention, but he is still my hero. Anybody who uses his big dick as a sledgehammer to break down barriers and pave the way for more dicks in photo shoots is a real vanguard to me. Milan is putting the PEEN in pioneer. NSFWness ahead.
Let me look at those pics again… Okay, Ginuwine just has to widen his hands about 1 or 1.5 inches and that would be right.
Grocery stores reported a 1000% increase in the sales of foot-long salami sausages last night and that probably had everything to do with Ginuwine’s dick making the rounds on Twitter and beyond. Someone leaked pictures of Ginuwine’s peen, which made Twitter simultaneously say, “Pony?! More like Clydesdale who’ll leave you bow-legged and needing an ice pack.”
Funky Dineva says that Ginuwine’s dick pics got out there after he slid them into some chick’s DMs. I’m surprised they fit. I’m shocked that the chick didn’t get an error message that read, “Insufficient storage, needs more lube.” There’s no face on the pics, so that peen could’ve belonged to anyone, but Ginuwine tweeted last night that it’s all him and he doesn’t care.
Everybody keep talking about pics and all SO WHAT!!! We all trust people at times that we shouldn't won't say names as of now!!! Stay tuned
— ELGIN (@Ginuwine) November 17, 2016
All of you fellow peen-obsessed whores have probably already seen the pics and can draw them from memory, but if you haven’t and want to, (NSFW, duh) here you go. Be careful when clicking that link, because those big dick pics will slap you in the eye and you may end up with a black eye. Giddy yup!
And what does Ginuwine mean by “stay tuned“? Does he mean that he’s going to release peen pics with better lighting and taken with a wide lens camera next to a thick wood post for comparison purposes? I’m staying tuned.
I’m pressing pause on all the dicks and nutsacks who were at the Oscars last night to quickly cover actual dick and nuts.
Something called the 2016 NFL Scouting Combine happened at the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis, Indiana yesterday. I didn’t know what the NFL Scouting Combine was until a big ole’ flopping dick made me Google to find the answer. If you didn’t know, the NFL Scouting Combine is where college football players try to get recruited into a pro team by showing off their skills in a week-long showcase. Players try to stand out and well, nobody really stood out like Mississippi State defensive lineman Chris Jones when he accidentally celebrated Eggplant Friday on a Sunday.
Chris Jones was trying to beat his 5-second record in the 40-yard dash when his peen and crotch huevos flew out of his Spandex shorts. I don’t know if Chris Jones was wearing a jock strap or a cup or anything, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he was. Because that mighty dick looks like it’s strong enough to break through that shit so it can breathe oxygen. Chris Jones seemed to laugh it off right before one of the announcers said that when these guys fall, they fall down hard and long. I bet that announcer was winking when he said that. Deadspin has a clearer video for you peen-loving sucio tricks, but here’s a blurry one.
And I hope that whoever clocked in his time, clocked it in when his dick tip passed the finish line. Because his dick definitely crossed the line before he did.
(Thank you to all of you who know me so well and sent this in.)
You’d think that Brit Brit looks for two things in a future boyfriend: 1. A dude who thinks her morning dutch ovens are romantic. 2. A dude who knows her Starbucks order by heart (A Venti butterscotch Frapp with extra whip, chocolate shavings, chocolate syrup and pork rind bits that most L.A.-area Starbucks keep in the back just for her). But during her show, A Piece of Me, in Las Vegas on Sunday night, Brit told the audience that what she really wants is a hot nerd with a big dick. Me too!
Somewhere backstage, Daddy Spears stopped counting that night’s earnings and let out a big cheese grits-scented sigh. Because the next time he interviews possible leased man friends for his deep fried dumpling, he’s got to bring a measuring tape and make sure they pass the “nerd according to Britney” test, which has two questions on it:
1. Do you wear glasses? If so, move on to question 2.
2. What’s the answer to 2+3? You can’t use a calculator! But you can totally use your fingers. It’s not like we’re looking for the reincarnation of Einstein.