Kelly Osbourne vs. David Walliams

On the left is Kelly Osbourne filling my head with a half a cup of “No really, Harpo, who dis woman?” and a half cup of “YOU ARE NOT JACK SOMMERSBY” as Goldfinger’s Shirley Eaton for the launch of Sky+HD. On the right is David Walliams also drenched in Kanye West’s ass saliva as Shirley Eaton for Heat Magazine.

I’m happy that Kelly feels comfortable enough to proudly flaunt her body like a born and bred nudist now that she’s lost some chunk, but my point goes to David for this one. Only David can pair a prairiedogginface with an “I’m so scared” pose and make it work!

Charo! Charo! Charo!

It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don’t try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don’t believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc…). You can’t break me!

Instead I’m going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she’s 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I’d still cuchi cuchi at her feet.

And here’s a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo’s feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.

Kelly Osbourne Takes It Off

If Kelly Osbourne’s skin was covered with molten Tang and she had tits the size of Cisco Adler’s slinky nutsack, I’d almost mistake her for England’s finest rose JODIE MARSH! And that is a comparison that every woman lives to hear. Blame it on the welfare weave and the “I wish this cig was your peen” look.

Ever since DWTS, Kelly has been dropping the chunk and now she’s so skinny that you just want to stick her ass in the mouth piece of your clarinet and play a song. It’s like all the weight traveled up to her head. Bitch looks like a delicious candy apple on a stick.

And what is one of the first things you do after you lose a bunch of weight? Put on sparkly ho shit and shake your pussy for every lord, of course. That’s what Kelly Osbourne did last night with the Pussycat Dolls, Robin Antin, Carmen Electra and Mya. And Mya really needs to settle down, because she’s starting to resemble that Giuliana DePandasass creature and that’s not a good thing.

Bitch, Where Are Your Brows?

Aisha Tyler needs to immediately report to the nurse’s office and hand over a signed excuse from her parents for why she showed up to Logo’s NewNowNext Awards last night with only a faint shadow of an eyebrow over her eye. I snatch that back. There is no excuse for this! I don’t care if a dingo ate your Sharpie or if meth got your brows, you find a way to make that shit work!

And if Aisha is trying to make the whole “no brows” thing happen, then she needs to stop right now because it’s a losing battle. Looking like “Mona Lisa working at a shake and bake meth lab in Barstow” will never be the look. I don’t care what anyone says. Like Klymaxx and Pop Rocks gum, brows will always be relevant.

Here’s a bunch of other bitches from last night who also should be ashamed of themselves! They let Aisha go in front of the camera like that. There’s enough make-up amongst them to cover the faces of a million Xtinas, so they could’ve easily queefed out a brow for Aisha. These are the names you need to right down in the detention log: Baby Jesus, two free clinic rejects, Pee Weir Herman, Tatiana, Ongina, Mystique Summers, Kelly Osbourne, a Slim Jim in a dress, Kat Von D, and Niecy Nash.

This Is What Happens When You Tell Ceiling Eyes To Look Up

Those malicious paps are not right for telling Ceiling Eyes to look in the opposite direction of where her “career” is going at last night’s UsWeekly party in Hollywood. Ceiling Eyes is already permanently staring into space, so when she looks up her eyes get stuck.

It took hours before they were able to get her eyes back to the place where they belong. They dropped an anvil on her head. No movement. They dangled a “buy one implant, get one free” coupon below her. Nothing. Things were looking bleak, but then someone got the bright idea to call Spencer Pratt and ask him to stand on a ladder above Ceiling Eyes and flash his chocha at her. Eyes dropped in a millisecond flat. Crisis averted. Spencer saved the day.

Here’s more completely relevant celebrities at last night’s party including: an elegantly dressed Angela Simmons, Bridget Marquardt, Drag Race reject Ciara, future VH1 reality star JLo with Skeletor, Hemorrhoid Rinna, a creature from the herp lagoon, Aubrey O’Wildenstein and Kelly Osbourne with her piece.

Too Much Sexual Napalm For John Mayer To Handle

Coochella (on purpose typo) Music Festival started up yesterday, which means dozens of famewhores descended upon Indio, CA to drink the sweet nectar out of plastic cups and add to their sand crab collection (see Wonky). John Mayer also momentarily left his Summer’s Eve box to go to Coochella, and here he is giving the sex eye to a goddess (You’re getting Ricki Lake in Hairspray vibes, right?) who is light years away from his league.

John’s David Duke penis needs to go to a Klan rally or something, and leave this fine young thing alone if he knows what’s good for him. Fuck Sexual Napalm. Bitch could make John’s dick go boom just by licking her lips. John probably already has the Chernobyl of crotches, but this woman will leave him completely destroyed. It’s best he back away and play with girls his own speed.

Anways, here’s more hos frolicking on the grounds of Coochella including: Kelly Osbourne, Basement Baby, Katy Perry, Scott Speedman, Rotten Peaches with Eli Roth, Wonks, and DANNY DEVITO (I’m not trying to see his CROCS)!!!!